Just a Thought

This morning as I was driving to work, I was thinking back on the past year of faith formation.  It was a really great year - I so enjoyed the six girls in my class!  We had covered a lot of material over the school year, and didn't even get to some of things I had hoped to cover.  There was much to cram into those little sponges of brain.  But as I was thinking about all of this, the ONE THING I hope sunk in, more than anything else, was the big picture.  We had talked about it.  THE MEANING OF LIFE.  "Remember this girls, because 99% of the world spends their entire life searching for their purpose, the reason they're on the planet.  And I'm going to tell you what it is, so you never get lost looking for it.  This SECRET is in plain sight; it's the whole reason God created you.  Love God with all your heart, all your mind, all your soul, and all your strength.  And love your neighbor as yourself."

That's it, really.  LOVE.  Love GOD, and then channel that love to others around you.   But love God FIRST, with everything you have.  The rest will flow from that.

As our society becomes increasing secularized, it becomes apparent to me that humanity has lost its compass.  It's human nature to love, and we TRY to love one another.  We really do.  Most people try to be nice, and accepting and inclusive.  But without loving God first, to show us what real love IS, our efforts become increasingly misguided.   Love is the wishing of the good for another person, above what you would wish for yourself.  Love is self-sacrificing, at its very essence.  So often our society mistakes "acceptance" with  LOVE.  If I accept you how you are, then I'm being loving, right?  But if I know that "how you are" is KILLING YOU, then how is that being loving for the ultimate good?  Without looking up to God, without having that standard and perspective before trying to love our neighbor, we can't know what their ultimate good IS.   And true love sometimes does not tolerate you "as you are", when what you are is wounded and lost.   True loves wants you healthy and whole, to be the perfect version of yourself that God created you to be, and does it's utmost to help you get there.  True love desires your ultimate good, beyond what we can see and feel in the here and now.  Perfection is not an outside standard - it has nothing to do with your hair, or your house, or your career, or even your attitude.  Perfection is when we are living fully the life that God created for us, in accordance to His plan for us.  We were created for HIS perfection for us, and it's love that draws us to it.

We've lost our North Star.  We've lost our paradigm.  We've lost our purpose.  We've lost our meaning.

How I pray that our society finds it again!

Truth. It's really this simple.

Via Aristotle:
“Truth is to say of what is, that it is, and to say of what is not, that it is not”.

Why does this offend people??

Summer Goals: Reclaiming my body

2017 was just rough on this middle-aged woman's body.  I gained WAY too much weight, what with the removal of my "metabolism" organ, and the messing up of my ovaries.  My goal for this summer is to take my body BACK.  As such, I have signed up for two road races, and have begun jogging again!    YAY me!

I am woefully out of shape.  Worse, my stridor comes back when I run, and I have a really difficult time breathing.  It's pathetic. Paralyzed vocal cords apparently aren't ALL the way healed.  I have been able to jog (very, very slowly) a distance of about 1.25 miles continuously - on a good day - before having to stop to walk to catch my breath.  That's not going to get me to the finish line.  But training is early, and I have consulted with my wonderful speech therapist co-worker, who in turn consulted with a respiratory therapist.  They have given me activities and exercises to try to manage and improve.  With the use of an inhaler, I should be able to push things farther.  I have hope.

My goal for this summer - get my body back.  Get in shape.  Lose weight.  And jog like I used to before December of 2016!!  Then I feel like I can truly put it all behind me!!

Come on body!  We can do this!!

C.S. Lewis. YES. He says it best.

"And let me make it quite clear that when Christians say the Christ-life is in them, they do not mean simply something mental or moral. When they speak of being ‘in Christ’ or of Christ being ‘in them’, this is not simply a way of saying that they are thinking about Christ or copying Him. They mean that Christ is actually operating through them; that the whole mass of Christians are the physical organism through which Christ acts—that we are His fingers and muscles, the cells of His body. And perhaps that explains one or two things. It explains why this new life is spread not only by purely mental acts like belief, but by bodily acts like baptism and Holy Communion. It is not merely the spreading of an idea; it is more like evolution—a biological or superbiological fact. There is no good trying to be more spiritual than God. God never meant man to be a purely spiritual creature. That is why He uses material things like bread and wine to put the new life into us. We may think this rather crude and unspiritual. God does not: He invented eating. He likes matter. He invented it."

— C.S. Lewis

A Meditation.

"There is good reason to be astonished that men should sin so boldly in the sight of Heaven and earth and show so little fear of the most high God. Yet it is a much greater cause of astonishment that while we multiply our iniquities beyond the sands of the sea and have so great a need for God to be kind and indulgent, we are nevertheless so demanding ourselves. Such indignity and such injustice! We want God to suffer everything from us, and we are not able to suffer anything from anyone. We exaggerate beyond measure the faults committed against us; worms that we are, we take the slightest pressure exerted on us to be an enormous attack. Meanwhile, we count as nothing what we undertake proudly against the sovereign majesty of God and the rights of his empire! Blind and wretched mortals: will we always be so sensitive and delicate? Will we never open our eyes to the truth? Will we never understand that the one who does injury to us is always much more to be pitied than are we who receive the injury? . . . Since those who do evil to us are unhealthy in mind, why do we embitter them by our cruel vengeance? Why do we not rather seek to bring them back to reason by our patience and mildness? Yet we are far removed from these charitable dispositions. Far from making the effort at self-command that would enable us to endure an injury, we think that we are lowering ourselves if we do not take pride in being delicate in points of honor. We even think well of ourselves for our extreme sensitivity. And we carry our resentment beyond all measure . . . All of this must stop . . . We must take care of what we say and bridle our malicious anger and unruly tongues. For there is a God in Heaven who has told us that he will demand a reckoning of our 'careless words' (Matt. 12:36): what recompense shall he exact for those which are harmful and malicious? We ought, therefore, to revere his eyes and his presence. Let us ponder the fact that he will judge us as we have judged our neighbor."

— Bishop Jacques-Benigne Bossuet

Encouraging news....

So, my doctor's office just called with the results of the CT scan from yesterday.  The nodule in my lung is unchanged and showed signs of calcification.  That's EXCELLENT news, because cancer doesn't typically calcify.  So... good chance it's benign!!  The two growths in my neck were interpreted by this radiologist as "post-operative changes".  Translated, that means he thinks they are scar tissue.  Also not cancer.  So, NO VISIBLE CANCER!  WOOT WOOT!  Of course, there's still cancer SOMEWHERE, as the tumor marker shows.  It's just so small and spread out that we can't see it. AND it was going down, last we checked.   I'll take the "lungs are all clear" as really positive news, and be happy with it!!

God is good!

Where we're at, one year later....

My radioiodine treatment was March 3, 2017.  One year later, it is evident that treatment didn't work ALL THE WAY.  My visit with my doctor this week was a mixed bag.  The good news is that my TG levels, the tumor marker number went DOWN after having been up the last two tests.  This is undoubtedly a GOOD THING.  It's now 4.3.  So yay.  But, a full year after treatment, it should be gone gone gone, and it's not.  This fact alone would put me, according to my doctor, in the "biochemically incomplete" category that happens to about 9% of people.  The ultrasound came back with two new small spots in my neck, though.  These are "vague" just yet, and about 1 cm each, but apparently too small to be biopsied.  From what we can tell, they were not there on my ultrasound in September, or on my CT scan in January.  Still.  They could be something, they could be nothing... just like the spot in my lung.  So, since we can't tell, this puts me in the "Indeterminate" category... which means we know the cancer is SOMEWHERE, we're just not sure where it is, and can't tell if the things that show up are the culprits or not.  This happens to about 1-2% of the people who undergo therapy.  It's possible that all residual cancer is microscopic, in which case, if we continue to suppress my thyroid stimulating hormone, it may eventually starve itself out and die without further treatment (this happens about 30% of the time, according to the doctor).  Or, this residual tissue might come back to the point where it's undeniable, and grows to a size that we can see it on imaging distinctly - which happens about 20% of the time.  Then it would be classified as "structurally incomplete response to treatment".  This is the category where things get ugly, and nearly all of the deaths from thyroid cancer occur.  SO... one in 3 chance it goes away, one in 5 chance it gets worse, and, if you're doing the math, that leaves a 50% of chance that it just STAYS THE SAME.  Hangs out there indefinitely, hiding for years on end, which would necessitate continued monitoring every few months forever.  So that's where we're at.

At first, this vague, undefinable place that we're at really bummed me out.  If something is attacking me, I would much rather A) that it NOT attack me, and go away.  But if it's not going completely away, then I prefer B) that it would show itself so that we can FIGHT it.   We can fight what we know.  It gives me a target to go to war against.   This option C), wherein there is something ominous obviously there, but it's not showing itself, so we just have to wait and watch and wait and watch and maybe it'll come attack again, or maybe it won't... being on this heightened state of alert FOREVER?  That's an emotionally hard place for a person to live.  And that's what I told my doctor.  And he understood.  He told me he would send me to Mayo clinic if I wanted, to where the best thyroid cancer doctors in the nation were, but... they would tell me the same thing.  We're in watch and wait mode until we know what exactly we're dealing with.   So be it.  I'm getting good about ignoring all of this stuff until I have to deal with it again every few months anyway.  And obviously, my lesson is to trust God and not myself or the doctors, or radioiodine, or anything else.  Pray that I internalize this truth.

I've come to terms with it all.  Another CT scan in two weeks, more ultrasounds and blood work in July.  For now,  I am taking the decrease in TG as good news, which it is.  I may not be celebrating from the roof-tops just yet, but I will celebrate minor victories, too, because that's all I'm allowed at this point in time.

Time for a margarita.

Mental Games

I'm getting really good at "forgetting" that I have cancer.  I am able to put it out of my mind and focus on daily life very well, until I'm forced to think about it again by the intrusion of tests and doctors appointments.  In that way, I am very lucky, because I feel relatively ok.  A lot of people aren't that blessed to be ABLE to put it out of their mind.  Getting hormones regulated seems to be the biggest challenge in my world, and we're in that process again - my ovaries apparently weren't out for the count, only "in shock" from radiation, and are starting to come back.  This is good news, but means that hormones are all over the place again, after being well-regulated for several months.  Adjustments are hard.

Yesterday I went back for more blood tests and a neck ultrasound.  No big deal, I wasn't worried.  But then, the ultrasound that normally takes 10 minutes or so took 45 minutes, with the tech switching transducers half way in between "to get a better look".  And then afterwards, with a serious look on her face, she said "please go wait in the waiting room, but don't leave.  I'm going to talk to the radiologist about this, to see if he wants to do any more tests before you leave."

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN???  When my whole body scan took 3 hours instead of the 45 minutes it was supposed to take last March, it meant that he had found significant uptake in places in my neck that were not supposed to have uptake.  When he asked to do an extra CT scan back then, he was looking to see if the cancer had spread to my bones.  So when this ultrasound runs long, and the tech has to talk to the radiologist before I leave... it does not bode well.  And that freaks me out.

This, coupled with rising TG levels that never DID get to zero, make me realize that RAI probably didn't COMPLETELY work, and that I have persistent cancer, but I wish the doctor would just come out and SAY IT ALREADY.  I wish he'd be blunt with me, instead of trying to make me feel better.  I much prefer that.  I meet with him on Monday in person.  We'll see if I'm brave enough to force him to say the words outloud.  

Such a mental game.  I'm trying to not jump to conclusions, but the evidence certainly seems to point in a very specific direction that the doctor will not admit openly to me.  I'm not stupid, and I'm not paranoid.  Please.  Just SAY IT.  Because I need to know if what I think is going on is actually going on.

I will try not to jump to conclusions until I meet with him on Monday and get the test results.  In the mean time, though, I continue to try not to dwell on things.  If any of you are praying people, I'd appreciate your prayers to help me in that endeavor.  TRUST.  I need some.

A Thought for Ash Wednesday, as we contemplate our mortality....

"Each of us must come to the evening of life. Each of us must enter on eternity.  Each of us must come to that quiet, awful time, when we will appear before the Lord of the vineyard, and answer for the deeds done in the body, whether they be good or bad. That, my dear brethren, you will have to undergo. ... It will be the dread moment of expectation when your fate for eternity is in the balance, and when you are about to be sent forth as the companion of either saints or devils, without possibility of change. There can be no change; there can be no reversal. As that judgment decides it, so it will be for ever and ever. Such is the particular judgment. ... when we find ourselves by ourselves, one by one, in his presence, and have brought before us most vividly all the thoughts, words, and deeds of this past life. Who will be able to bear the sight of himself? And yet we shall be obliged steadily to confront ourselves and to see ourselves. In this life we shrink from knowing our real selves. We do not like to know how sinful we are. We love those who prophecy smooth things to us, and we are angry with those who tell us of our faults. But on that day, not one fault only, but all the secret, as well as evident, defects of our character will be clearly brought out. We shall see what we feared to see here, and much more. And then, when the full sight of ourselves comes to us, who will not wish that he had known more of himself here, rather than leaving it for the inevitable day to reveal it all to him!"

— Blessed John Henry Newman

Time. Meditation for the Day.

"What is time, with regard to myself? It is my present and actual existence. Past time, or my past existence, is no longer anything, as far as I am concerned; I can neither recall it, nor change anything in it. The time to come, or my future existence, has not yet arrived, and perhaps never will arrive. I does not depend on me; I cannot count on it ... No one is ignorant of these two simple truths, but very few draw from them the conclusions they ought to draw ... This present moment, or this actual existence—from whom do I hold it? It is He who has preserved my existence from one instant to another, and who is preserving it at this present moment. Will He preserve it for me in the moment that shall immediately follow this one? I do not know; and nothing in the world can give me the assurance of it. Why has time been given to me? So that by it I may merit a happy eternity. I shall live forever: faith teaches me this; my reason even assures me of another life. The desire of immortality is implanted in the depths of my heart, and this desire, which God Himself has planted there, can never be frustrated of its object. I am, then, born for eternity, but this eternity will be happy or wretched ... My fate for all eternity depends, then, on the use I make of time, and since neither the past nor the future is in my own power, it is quite true to say that my eternity depends always on the present moment. Now, at this present moment, what is my state? Would I like to die just as I am now?"

Fr. Jean Nicholas Grou

Status Update: Checking In

My last routine appointment with my endocrinologist was in September, and my TG levels had come down from 39 to 5.  Which was fabulous news, because we want them to come down, but they're SUPPOSED to be at "0", #cancergoals.  So, we repeated bloodwork 6 weeks later, and lo and behold, the TG rose to 7.5, instead of trending down.  But maybe that was all a fluke.  So, 6 weeks later, we did blood work again, and there it was, still 7.5.  Not a fluke, this rise in TG levels.  Something somewhere was growing and making all that tumor marker.  So, my doctor ordered a CT scan last week, which showed a 6mm nodule in the right middle lobe of my lung.  The same place a spot showed up last year on my whole body scan, that they thought was just an "artifact" that, if it was anything of concern, was "presumably addressed with the radiodine therapy".   But obviously radioiodine DIDN'T take out this spot, because there it is again on the CT scan.   Cue panic attack.  If the cancer has spread to my lungs, that means it's a much uglier beast than we first anticipated, and we are NOT almost done.

My worry translates itself into research.  I want to KNOW everything I possibly can about something we're dealing with.  So I have scanned the internet, read the articles.  I know that pulmonary nodules are frequently benign.  My body tends to grow random cysts/tumors/nodules anyway.  It's a tendency inherited through my father, which my sister and I affectionately call "grow-crap-itis".  But there's the pesky fact of the tumor marker increasing at the same time which is worrisome.  Stage 4 cancer, with metastasis to the lungs, cannot be ruled out.  But it can't be definitively ruled IN either.    UGH.

My doctor's office just called, and the plan for now is to wait and watch.  I will have more blood work and an ultrasound in 2 months, and then follow up with the doctor the following week.  And then a repeat CT scan a few weeks after that.  So the plan is just more tests, more waiting, and see what happens.  I am not good at waiting.  I want to be pro-active and be done with it all already, and deal with it.  We hear over and over again that cancer needs to be "caught early" for best treatment results.  And then when it IS caught early.... we get "let's wait and see."

But this is my lesson.  Waiting.  Patience.  Being strong enough, through the grace of God, to trust Him, and be not afraid.  If this is mastery of the will over the body, then I need to learn this lesson.  I need to not let fear and uncertainty enter my life.  I need to just let today be today, and live it, without worrying about what tomorrow might bring.  Today is all I have control over anyway.   This is easier said then done, but it is my prayer.  Lord, give me the courage to live fully today, and not worry about tomorrow.  Amen.

Verse of the Day: What I need to hear....

"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me; when you seek me with all your heart."

Jeremiah 29:11-13

2017: A Retrospective

2017.  What to say?  This year has me at a loss for words, and that's not something that I usually struggle with.  This is the first year, in our nearly 20 years of marriage, that I did not put out a Christmas letter.  I just didn't know how to even begin to describe this year, and felt overwhelmed at the thought of trying.  2017 was hard for us, and it was hard for A LOT of people we know and love.   There has been much too much loss in 2017 for far too many people.  It's hit me particularly acutely this year - each unexpected death or tragedy has just cut to the core, because of what our family has gone through.  SO MANY HURTING PEOPLE in 2017!!  Coworkers and friends, and patients and family.  And our nation, the world as a whole.  So yes.  2017 has been hard.  Yet still overwhelmingly good for us Ahos, in that we have each other, we have security, we have our jobs.  The blessings still outweigh the hardships by a million-fold.  For that we are eternally grateful.   I didn't want the "hard" to be any part of our Christmas letter, and so much of our year was shaped by "hard".  We're still here, though.  We're getting back on track as a family, and I have no doubt that 2018 will see life march forward in positive ways.

As much as I feel the relentless roll of time moving forward, and I want to hang on to the precious days of my children's youth... I am not sorry to see 2017 go.  Goodbye 2017.  Welcome, New Year!!

God bless us, everyone!

Verse of the Day. It's NEVER Faith alone. And it's NEVER Faith vs Works.

How is this still an issue in the church today?  This is so clear to me as to be inconceivable that anyone misunderstands it any other way anymore.

^"For through the Spirit, by faith, we eagerly wait for the hope of righteousness. For in Christ Jesus . . . the only thing that counts is faith working through love."
Galatians 5:5-6

Faith taps us into the love of God, which we are commanded to show to the world.  We are simply a conduit.  If we have works without faith... that is nothing, true.   But, as Paul so eloquently puts it above, the ONLY THING THAT COUNTS is faith working through love.  Love the Lord God with all your heart, mind and soul.  AND THEN LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF. 

On this alone will we be judged.  How well we LOVED.  And love is an active, not a passive thing; just as Christ coming to earth, healing the sick, feeding the hungry, helping the poor, and then dying for us are ACTIVE things.  He could've just preached at us, and commanded that we believe what He told us.  But He didn't.  He ACTED. 

If we're acting in our own strength, on our own accord, then we will never, never be "good enough".  Luther felt this, and it depressed him - and rightly so, because he didn't understand that he was understanding it wrong.  But if we tap into the will and love of God, and do as HE would have us do, through HIS strength as a simple conduit, well... anything is possible.  The lives of the Saints show us this over and over.  THAT is why God's glory is made manifest in the weak, because it's utterly clear that this child, or this lowly person, could NEVER do such amazing things on their own.  They are simply exhibiting faith working through love.

On Confession.

Jesus replied, “Blessed are you, Simon son of Jonah, for this was not revealed to you by flesh and blood, but by my Father in heaven. 18 And I tell you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not overcome it. 19 I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven; whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.” 20 Then he ordered his disciples not to tell anyone that he was the Messiah.^[6] – Matthew 16: 13-20

²² And when He had said this, He breathed on them and *said to them, “Receive the Holy Spirit. ²³ If you forgive the sins of any, their sins ^[c]have been forgiven them; if you retain the sins of any, they have been retained.”
-- John 20: 22-23

Why do we confess our sins to a priest?  Why do we not just talk to God himself?

"Even if you do not confess, God is not ignorant of the deed, since he knew it before it was committed. Why then do you not speak of it? Does the transgression become heavier by the confession? No, it becomes lighter and less troublesome. And this is why he wants you to confess: not that you should be punished, but that you should be forgiven; not that he may learn your sin—how could that be, since he has seen it?—but that you may learn what favor he bestows. He wishes you to learn the greatness of his grace, so that you may praise him perfectly, that you may be slower to sin, that you may be quicker to virtue. And if you do not confess the greatness of the need, you will not understand the enormous magnitude of his grace."

— St. John Chrysostom

“Confession, believe it or not, is about happiness. It is about how to get rid of all those nagging feelings of guilt; how to be relaxed and at peace, knowing that God loves us. It is about preserving that peace and happiness throughout this life, with the cheerful expectation that it will continue in our next.”
-- Father Francis Randolph

Falling in love with God

"To fall in love with God is the greatest romance; to seek Him the greatest adventure; to find Him, the greatest human achievement."

— St. Augustine of Hippo

Meditation of the Day: God's Purpose for Us

How I love this, and how I need to hear this..... over and over and over!

'As God hath distributed to every man, as the Lord hath called every one, so let him walk.'

No one can do better with his life than that; no one can put it to a better use. Any life must be perfect in proportion as it does what it was made to do. There are many lives that are brilliant failures; they strive after many things that they were never intended to do and fail in that one thing. It seems strange that a reasonable being should never ask himself why he was put upon earth, or that it should not occur to him that the reason must be found in the will of his Creator ...  At the end of the day of our earthly life, we have to answer to our Maker whether we have been employed about our own work or about His, whether we have even made an effort to find out what He would have us do. A life that is inspired by such a motive is sure to be a success, for of this we may be absolutely certain: that each of us can fulfill in our life that for which we were created. We cannot be sure that we have the gifts needed for any other purpose ... For God, in creating us, equipped us for the work for which He created us. We have every gift of nature and of grace, of mind and body that is needed for this work."

— Fr. Basil Maturin

Results from the Study of Christ's Tomb

This stuff fascinates me.  HOW I want to go there and be in that place myself!!!

https://news.nationalgeographic.com/2017/11/jesus-tomb-archaeology-jerusalem-christianity-rome/

Exclusive: Age of Jesus Christ’s Purported Tomb Revealed

Construction materials date to Roman times, suggesting the original holy site's legacy has survived despite its destruction 1,000 years ago.

By Kristin Romey

PUBLISHED November 28, 2017

Over the centuries, Jerusalem’s Church of the Holy Sepulchre has suffered violent attacks, fires, and earthquakes. It was totally destroyed in 1009 and subsequently rebuilt, leading modern scholars to question whether it could possibly be the site identified as the burial place of Christ by a delegation sent from Rome some 17 centuries ago.

Now the results of scientific tests provided to National Geographic appear to confirm that the remains of a limestone cave enshrined within the church are remnants of the tomb located by the ancient Romans.

Mortar sampled from between the original limestone surface of the tomb and a marble slab that covers it has been dated to around A.D. 345. According to historical accounts, the tomb was discovered by the Romans and enshrined around 326.

Until now, the earliest architectural evidence found in and around the tomb complex dated to the Crusader period, making it no older than 1,000 years.

While it is archaeologically impossible to say that the tomb is the burial site of an individual Jew known as Jesus of Nazareth, who according to New Testament accounts was crucified in Jerusalem in 30 or 33, new dating results put the original construction of today's tomb complex securely in the time of Constantine, Rome's first Christian emperor.

The tomb was opened for the first time in centuries in October 2016, when the shrine that encloses the tomb, known as the Edicule, underwent a significant restoration by an interdisciplinary team from the National Technical University of Athens.

Several samples of mortar from different locations within the Edicule were taken at that time for dating, and the results were recently provided to National Geographic by Chief Scientific Supervisor Antonia Moropoulou, who directed the Edicule restoration project.

Discover how Jesus' burial site evolved from cave to church in 2,000 years.

When Constantine's representatives arrived in Jerusalem around 325 to locate the tomb, they were allegedly pointed to a Roman temple built some 200 years earlier. The Roman temple was razed and excavations beneath it revealed a tomb hewn from a limestone cave. The top of the cave was sheared off to expose the interior of the tomb, and the Edicule was built around it.

A feature of the tomb is a long shelf, or "burial bed," which according to tradition was where the body of Jesus Christ was laid out following crucifixion. Such shelves and niches, hewn from limestone caves, are a common feature in tombs of wealthy 1st-century Jerusalem Jews.

The marble cladding that covers the "burial bed" is believed to have been installed in 1555 at the latest, and most likely was present since the mid-1300s, according to pilgrim accounts.

When the tomb was opened on the night of October 26, 2016, scientists were surprised by what they found beneath the marble cladding: an older, broken marble slab incised with a cross, resting directly atop the original limestone surface of the "burial bed."

Some researchers speculated that this older slab may have been laid down in the Crusader period, while others offered an earlier date, suggesting that it may have already been in place and broken when the church was destroyed in 1009. No one, however, was ready to claim that this might be the first physical evidence for the earliest Roman shrine on the site.

The new test results, which reveal the lower slab was most likely mortared in place in the mid-fourth century under the orders of Emperor Constantine, come as a welcome surprise to those who study the history of the sacred monument.

"Obviously that date is spot-on for whatever Constantine did," says archaeologist Martin Biddle, who published a seminal study on the history of the tomb in 1999. "That's very remarkable."

See how Jesus Christ has been portrayed over 1,800 years.

During their year-long restoration of the Edicule, the scientists were also able to determine that a significant amount of the burial cave remains enclosed within the walls of the shrine. Mortar samples taken from remains of the southern wall of the cave were dated to 335 and 1570, which provide additional evidence for construction works from the Roman period, as well as a documented 16th-century restoration. Mortar taken from the tomb entrance has been dated to the 11th century and is consistent with the reconstruction of the Edicule following its destruction in 1009.

"It is interesting how [these] mortars not only provide evidence for the earliest shrine on the site, but also confirm the historical construction sequence of the Edicule," Moropoulou observes.

The mortar samples were independently dated at two separate labs using optically stimulated luminescence (OSL), a technique that determines when quartz sediment was most recently exposed to light. The scientific results will be published by Moropoulou and her team in a forthcoming issue of the Journal of Archaeological Science: Reports.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           

Thought For the Day

"Essentially a soldier, the Christian is always on the lookout. He has sharper ears and hears an undertone that others miss; his eyes see things in a particularly candid light, and he senses something to which others are insensible, the streaming of a vital current through all things. He is never submerged in life, but keeps his head and shoulders clear of it and his eyes free to look upward. Consequently he has a deeper sense of responsibility than others. When this awareness and watchfulness disappear, Christian life loses its edge; it becomes dull and ponderous."
Fr. Romano Guardini

Phase Whatever: An Update

So... got a call today from my doctor's office.  My tumor marker has gone up (from 5 to 7) not down like it's supposed to. The fact that there's any thyroglobulin at all 9 months after radioiodine ablation is disconcerting, but it was at least trending down.  And now we find, it went up.   This is not the "all clear" fantastic news I was expecting just in time for Thanksgiving.  Today's phone call, it puts uncertainty back into our lives, and I don't like that.  We will do another blood test in a few weeks, and if the number is still going up... probably another whole body scan to see where the cancer is growing, and then another potential round of radiation.  I'm praying that this last lab was just a fluke - that the number is within the margin of error, and that in actuality, I'm continuing to trend downward, steadily and surely, to the beautiful number ZERO.  Time will tell.

I read about another local child dying of cancer this past weekend.  It is heartbreaking, how cancer ravages these innocent souls.  I don't know if it's more common here, or if, being a smaller community, we just hear of it more often, but it is far too prevalent.  And hearing this news on the same day as getting my not-so-great lab results makes me sad.   It's such a horrible, ugly disease.  It is barbarous and evil.  Far too many lives have been ended too soon, far too many parents have had to grieve the loss of a child.  This is unacceptable.

I feel guilty, because, even though I have the C-word attached to me, I have had not had to struggle nearly as much as these children.   I have been enormously blessed.    I have not lost my hair, an appendage, my life.  I've had my miserable moments, but nothing like these kids.   Mine is a largely mental, rather than physical, fight.  I fight fear and uncertainty - I fight myself and my own insecurities.  They fight a beast that ravages them.     I still have the potential of moving beyond cancer largely physically unscathed.   I can still see a light at the end of the tunnel.  Their fight is much harder than mine.  I got off easy, and that's not fair. How can I even begin to complain about my year, when they have to deal with this monster looming a million times larger than my monster.  I'm an adult - I'm supposed to be stronger, and take on the harder things.  They are children. 

 I spoke to a coworker today who contracted a virus earlier this year that nearly killed her and paralyzed her for months on end.  She said that the experience, now six months later, has changed her entire outlook on life.  "I'm blessed to be here," she said.  "Period.  I'm blessed to be anywhere.  I don't take a single minute for granted any more."  I get that. 

2017 has been a really hard year for our family.  I will not be sorry to see it go.  But as difficult as it's been for us, I cannot even begin to deny how enormously blessed we have been, have always been and still are.  I am fragile and easily shaken, and that bothers me.  How can I ever lose sight of what the Lord has given our family?   How can I not wake up filled with gratitude every.single.day? 

I will say this loudly and often, and hopefully it will sink in and override my petty fears.  GOD IS GOOD.   I AM THANKFUL. 

Thought of the Day - Freedom and Choices

"The Christian idea is a broader one. For Christians, freedom consists not in how many choices you have but in whether you can choose the right thing, the good thing. If Fred is keeping his options open about whether to join the Ku Klux Klan, and Ben has decided he will never do so, Fred is not freer; quite the opposite. When Einstein discovered special relativity, he did not become less free because he was now unable to believe a dozen alternative theories. When Mozart decided how the Jupiter Symphony had to end, he did not lose freedom merely because of all the other possibilities he was compelled to give up." - Dan Hitchens

When we find something TRUE,  it does not limit us, as we cling to that truth.  Rather, it makes us more free! 

Musings on the Reformation - 500 years later.

Today is the 500th anniversary of the start of the Reformation, and it's brought up a lot of questions, a lot of pondering, and a lot of wishing things were not as divided as they are in Christianity.  I cannot even begin to deny the abuses that were happening in the church at the time of Luther.  They're pretty cut and dried, and known historical fact.  But they were PRACTICES.  Not doctrine.  There's a difference.  They were what sinful people did in the NAME OF THE CHURCH, not what the Church taught itself.  And that's a huge difference to me. 

I've been re-reading one of my favorite authors, Peter Kreeft, a professor of Philosophy at Boston College.  And one thing he said when he was researching church history as a protestant has struck me as particularly relevant, as we look at where we have ended up as a Christian Church in 2017:

"But if Catholic dogma contradicted Scripture or itself at any point, I could not find it. I explored all the cases of claimed contradiction and found each to be a Protestant misunderstanding. No matter how morally bad the Church had gotten in the Renaissance, it never taught heresy. I was impressed with its very hypocrisy: even when it didn't raise its practice to its preaching, it never lowered its preaching to its practice. Hypocrisy, someone said, is the tribute vice pays to virtue.  "

It's an ugly history, this Christianity.  We've failed and failed again at what Christ commissioned us to do.  What to do about that, though? 

For me, it all boils down to two questions, really.  FIRST:  What did Christ mean when He said "You are Peter, and upon this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hell will not prevail against it."?  And SECOND:  "What did the Reformers reform the church to?" 

Christ did not leave behind a book.  In fact, He didn't write down a single thing that we have evidence of today.  What He DID do is start a Church, and entrust it very specifically to people He knew, taught, and trusted, on the "rock" foundation of one man.  That much is clear from scripture.  So... where is it today?  Because He promised us that it would survive for as long as time, and never be taken down by the gates of Hell.  I believe we ALL should believe what Christ promised, if we profess to be Christians. 

And in regards to the second question, a reform is a return to an original, not the creation of something new.  Was the focus of the reformers the clergy who were perpetuating abuses?  To reform the fact that the church was too much of a political entity, and was used for political power?  If the medieval church had added on "pagan trappings" over time that needed stripping off.... to what extent did the Reformation turn back the clock?  Did the Reformation turn back the clock to reform the church to as it was before 1500?  To how it was in the 800's?  To how it was before Constantine?  To the Early Church?  What is the standard by which they are "reforming" to an original?  And if it IS the Early Church pre-Constantine that they were attemptingt or eform to, then I would challenge every last Protestant to read the writings of the Early Church.  Because they exist, in surprising numbers.  Reliable, historically verifiable writings of the very earliest Christians, who at times were taught by the Apostles themselves.  GO READ THEM. There is a whole, vast history between the time of Christ and 1517.  Read what these Christians wrote before the Bible was even assembled and canonized.  And see what the church looked like for those first 300 years, and where and how it grew thereafter.   And then ask yourself "WHERE TODAY IS THE CHURCH THAT CHRIST ESTABLISHED THEN????"  Look around you.   Do you see it anywhere today?

These are the questions I have asked myself time and again, and then I have spent crucial years searching for answers.  Because only if I truly settle these things in my head and my heart can I claim to be what I profess to be. 

Quote of the Day: Christ our Mediator

From St. Ambrose ca 390 AD

"Christ Himself is our mouth through which we speak to the Father, our eye through which we see the Father, our right hand through which we offer to the Father. Without His intercession neither we nor all the saints have anything with God."

— St. Ambrose

On the Reformation and the "Jesus as Lifeguard" image

I read THIS this morning, and I just have to respond:

Imagine you’re in a swimming pool and you’re drowning. Your head pops above the water just to yell, “Help! Help!” Above, you see the lifeguard on his stand looking at you. He’s holding a life ring. And he says, “Come grab the life ring! This will save you!”
If that’s the case, you’re in big trouble, right? If you’re drowning you can’t save yourself.
Yet, prior to the Reformation, this was how salvation was being taught. “Yes,” they would say, “Jesus is the way to salvation. But you must come and get him.”
Jesus would be like that life ring that the lifeguard is holding. Try. Try. Try. And if you want, you could offer the lifeguard some money and he might toss the life ring to you.
That was the situation prior to the Reformation. People being taught that they need to earn their way to salvation through their own works. And they could also pay their way out of potential punishment through the purchase of indulgences.
The Reformation was ALL ABOUT JESUS. Jesus throws himself into the depths of the pool to rescue us even without our asking. Not only does he rescue us from death, but he dies in our place.
The Reformation was ALL ABOUT JESUS and over the course of the next 4 weeks we will see how the Reformation is still ongoing in our own lives, and the fact that IT’S STILL ALL ABOUT JESUS!

EXCUSE ME!!

THIS IS WHY there continues to be so much division in Christianity today, because of misconceptions and misrepresentations.  It breaks my heart really.  Why would we ever celebrate our division, when Christ called us repeatedly to be ONE?  Why would we celebrate the divorce, when we are meant to mend the marriage??  We are called to be ONE BODY in Christ, we are COMMANDED to be one body in Christ!  In this fallen world, we need unity, because we face an ugly, vicious foe.

The Catholic Church has NEVER TAUGHT that we earn our way to salvation... that we have to climb up out of that "pool" ourselves and grab the life ring.   That's why the early church condemned Pelagius as a heretic, for promoting just such a notion!!  Rather, it has taught, from the time of St. Peter, that, when that "life ring"  of salvation is thrown to you, you best grab it.  We're ALL drowning, and Jesus wants to save us all.  In the analogy above, it's not just one person drowning in the sea, but all of humanity from the beginning of time.  And Jesus wants to save them all.  He said so. So why aren't we all saved?  Because we have a PART.  And our part is acceptance of the gift.   Jesus does the saving, we do the receiving, but receiving is not PASSIVE.   He will never save us against our will.   Our loving Father wants a relationship, and a relationship is between two active participants.   Our "works" are a sign that we have accepted this gift.  If we've truly accepted Christ... it changes us, from the inside out.  Thus we have the "gifts" of the Holy Spirit, and the "fruits" of the Holy Spirit.  No one earns a gift, but a person can certainly reject a gift.   And if we HAVE received the gift that Christ offers us, truly and sincerely, then it can be seen outwardly in our lives (fruit = works).  Our journey to heaven is not a "one and done" thing.  It's a continual effort to become more like Christ, in order to be ready to stand in His presence one day.  Salvation is a gift, but it is a gift of TRANSFORMATION,  not a gift of being yanked immediately into Heaven!   Because in our current fallen state, we are not capable of Heaven.  Nothing imperfect is.  Thus, we take on Christ, His very nature, from the inside out.  AND THAT IS HOW HE SAVES US!!

Furthermore, the Church never taught that paying ANYTHING can get you to heaven.  Were there some devious and evil people twisting church teaching for their own gain?  Yup.  Absolutely there were.   There were some pretty nasty "Christians" back then, and pretty nasty "Christians" now.   But that was never what the Church taught.  The deposit of faith never taught that we could pay our way to heaven.  Evil people did that.  They have a name and a face (John Tetzel for one), and are recognized as such... and THAT'S what Martin Luther was rightly protesting against.  Those individuals twisting Church teaching.  Only after Luther was excommunicated did he throw the baby out with the bath water.  As Peter Kreeft so eloquently puts it  "Luther was right about what was wrong, but wrong about how to make it right".  The counter-reformation was "how to make it right".  Dividing the body of Christ has been a tragic disaster from day one.

Lord Jesus, help us to strive toward unity.  I pray that all Christians may stand together in opposition to all evil that encroaches upon the world.  May we be Your hands, Your feet, Your heart in the world... as ONE BODY IN CHRIST.

From the Council of Trent, in 1547:

"But when the Apostle says that man is justified by faith and freely, these words are to be understood in that sense in which the uninterrupted unanimity of the Catholic Church has held and expressed them, namely, that we are therefore said to be justified by faith, because faith is the beginning of human salvation, the foundation and root of all justification, without which it is impossible to please God and to come to the fellowship of His son....This disposition or preparation is followed by justification itself, which is not only a remission of sins but also the sanctification and renewal of the inward man through the voluntary reception of the grace and gifts whereby an unjust man becomes just and from being an enemy becomes a friend, that he may be an heir according to hope of life everlasting. The causes of justification are: the final cause is the glory of God and of Christ and life everlasting; the efficient cause is the merciful God who washes and sanctifies gratuitously, signing and anointing with the holy Spirit of promise, who is the pledge of our inheritance; the meritorious cause is His most beloved only begotten, our Lord Jesus Christ, Who, when we were enemies, for the exceeding charity wherewith He loved us, merited for us justification by His most holy passion on the wood of the cross and made satisfaction for us to God the Father; the instrumental cause is the sacrament of baptism, which is the sacrament of faith, without which no man was ever justified,…"

Sub tuum praesidium

From a hymn written in Greek, scribed on papyrus in 250 AD, and found in Egypt.  And still appropriately being recited now, 2000 years later.

Beneath your compassion,

We take refuge, O Mother of God:

do not despise our petitions in time of trouble:

but rescue us from dangers,

only pure, only blessed one.

This.

"I used to believe that prayer changes things, but now I know that prayer changes us and we change things."

Mother Teresa

It's a Mad, Mad World

Is the world going crazy?  I think so.  Really.  I do.  In the past month alone, between three major hurricanes, wildfires, earthquakes, school shootings, dark-web hacks, dictators lobbing ICBM's, and mass murders for no apparent reason, (and then TOM PETTY DYING), it seems like one crisis can't even end before the next one pops up, worse than the last.  What is happening to our country? We are so unstable right now as a nation, it's hard to get our feet underneath us, and find firm ground. 

And still, "Hail Holy Queen" runs through my head non-stop.  But, after hearing the prayer being said by an 8 year old girl last Sunday, I realized that the version in my head had an incorrect word.  I had been repeating "To thee do we cry, poor abandoned children of Eve."  And that's not right.  It's not "abandoned", but "banished".   Poor banished children of Eve.  That one word makes all the difference!  What a crucial, horrible mistake I've made in my head!   

Yes, we are banished from the direct sight of God.  It's abundantly evident that we no longer live in Paradise with Him.  We ARE banished, to this insane, troubled place.  But we are NOT ABANDONED.  Through it all, even in our sinful, topsy-turvy world, He will not leave us.  Not for a second.  His love prevails, His church gives us the solid footing we so desperately need.  We are held.

How could I have made such a mistake, even subconsciously???

Quote of the Day

Compliments of Blessed John Henry Newman:

“We can believe what we choose. We are answerable for what we choose to believe.”

THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS!!!!!!

Bishop Barron, speaking at Facebook about having an online religious argument.  HOW I LOVE THIS!!!  It's worth a watch.  Everybody should watch this.  YES!!!  Please click the link, because I can't figure out how to embed it here.....

https://www.facebook.com/BishopRobertBarron/videos/1533520986687023/

Phase Whatever We're Up To Now: An Update.

So, where were we in this never-ending saga?  Recuperating, back to work, trying to get hormone levels adjusted.  Yes, there.  And then, in July, there was appendicitis and an emergency appendectomy added to the long list o' crapola.  Two weeks after that, there was an ER visit for thrombophlebitis of the right arm, thanks to the IV site from surgery.  Oh, and last week... pink eye.  Don't forget the pink eye.  Thus, I was feeling very down about my summer, because it was cold and rainy, and my husband and kids all took great vacations, and I was stuck at home to work, plumb out of vacation time because of illnesses, surgeries and hospitalizations.  Pathetic but true - I was resentful.  I'm not proud of it.  It was very petty of me.  I was acting like a spoiled brat, to be honest.   Luckily, though, my husband decided to take pity on me, and made our time at home when the children were gone as fun as possible - bike rides, canoe trips, ice cream.  "Monica's Summer Of Fun", he called it.   And, after a long weekend trip to Chicago, things were looking up. I'm in a much better place now than I was, attitude-wise.  Thank you for asking.  But it was a pretty bleak summer.

Yesterday, Rob and I made the trip to Minocqua's Marshfield clinic and met up with Dr. Sheehan, and things have taken a decided turn for the better.  I had gone the previous week for blood work and an ultrasound so the results were in.  Ultrasound showed no abnormal growths!  YAY!!!  TSH was .1, and T4 was way high, which is where they want it to be (hyperthyrotic to starve the cancer).  All good and expected.  My thyroglobulin tumor marker number... my main concern... was DOWN to 5!!!  Not gone. It should be zero by this point. But DOWN substantially from the last reading, so trending in the direction we want it to trend!  So that's very, very promising.  Not "all clear", but very good news, none-the-less.  I am happy with that.  The doctor explained that every unit of thyroglobulin corresponds to about 1g of tissue left in me somewhere.  So a five is about the equivalent of 5g of cancer hanging around, which he equated with about five raisins.  Raisins aren't so big.  Given the visual from the whole body scan of the inside of my throat being coated with the bad stuff... I'll take five raisins.  Since the ultrasound didn't actually SEE any lumps, he's thinking the residual tissue is at a cellular level.  I go back in two months to make sure that things are still trending down, and hopefully soon will get the official "all clear!"  If, at that time, things AREN'T still trending down, he will do a PET scan to find out where the last little bit of cancer is hiding, and we'll make a decision from there about what to do.  But I don't think we'll need to do that.  I think it's all going to be good.  Just cancer dying a long, slower-than-anticipated death.  But still DYING. Good riddance.

In other news, I have been feeling kinda miserable hormonally, which I attributed to my purposefully-elevated thyroid levels.  Apparently weight gain and absent periods aren't what the doctor usually sees in hyperthyrotic patients, though, so he wasn't quite sure what was going on.  I tossed out "well, I'm probably just going through menopause" - half jokingly.  He said "you're young for that, but let's just check."  We did more blood work before leaving Minocqua.   His office called me today.  YUP.  It's official.   Premature menopause.  2017 is turning out to be just a REALLY fun year. 

It's hard to know if I would've gone through menopause around now anyway, or if illness and radioiodine played a part.  I suspect the latter, just due to timing, and the sudden onset.  My mother started menopause at 48, so it's not inconceivable that I would be an early menopause-r as well.  But I've read that radiation can damage ovaries and induce premature menopause.  Quite frankly, after c-diff shut my bowels down for 7 days during radioiodine therapy, keeping 100 mci of radioactive iodine in my abdominal cavity for well longer than the anticipated 24 hours... my ovaries were certainly exposed to a significant amount of radiation.  I'm sure they didn't like that.  But it's neither here nor there, because regardless of the cause... menopause is menopause, and my ovaries are out for the count.  Normal estrogen levels are 50 and above, according to the endocrinologist.  Mine are 19.  FSH was through the roof as well, at 50 - another sign of menopause.  Explains a whole bunch about how I've been feeling these last few months.  So now I follow up with my primary doctor to see if something can be done to lessen the effects of these hormone imbalances before I turn into the size of a house.  Let's hope I can feel normal again soon!!

We're getting through this year, a little at a time.  It's been a doozy!  But I figure if we pile all the bad stuff into 2017, that leaves the rest of my life for rainbows and unicorns!  That works for me ;)  Overall, despite my sudden OLD AGE, things are looking up, and I'm ecstatic about that!!

ADDENDUM:  Just got back from a doctor's appointment with my primary.  She says I'm not "going through menopause".  I'm "post-menopausal".  Like... DONE.  That was the quickest "change of life" known to man.  I asked her if my period will return when I start hormone replacement therapy, and she said "No.  You will never have another one again.  You are DONE.  Your ovaries are gone."  OK then!  That process, which normally takes 5-10 years in most women, got over in essentially 3 months.  So, I suppose that's the plus side to radiation-induced menopause???  I've gained the weight, done the labile-thing, had only minimal hot flashes... all in a few months instead of years.  Now, if I can start feeling back to normal and come out the other side (which she promises will happen when I start hormone therapy!), we're golden.  She wants the gynecologist to start me on hormones, though, because of the atypical presentation.  We'll start with a really high level of both Estrogen and Progesterone replacement until I turn 50, I guess (instead of doing the bare minimum to relieve symptoms), and then start weaning off.  Trying to divert the risk of osteoporosis. 

I knew we were done having kids.  My fertility was hardly great to begin with.  But I have to admit there's a little twinge of sadness that there's not even the REMOTEST POSSIBILITY of another little Aho running around here.  If, by some miracle, we had ended up with a "geriatric pregnancy", I would have been overjoyed.  I love kids.  I love my family.    But there wasn't really a chance to begin with, honestly.  SO, if this menopause thing was going to happen anyway, might as well get it over with and move on.    That's where we are now.  Official Old Lady. 

Inspiration

We're gearing up for another year of Faith Formation.  Teaching third and fourth graders for the first time ever, I am responsible for making sure they know some prayers that I myself don't have memorized!  The list is considerable, even though I know the kids already are familiar with some of them:  Our Father, Glory Be, Hail Mary, Act of Contrition, Angel of God, the Fatima prayer, St. Michael the Archangel, Hail Holy Queen, and the Apostle's Creed.  Plus, they need to have memorized the 10 commandments, the 7 sacraments, and at the very least the order of the Gospels and Pentateuch in the Bible.  That's a lot of words to have carved into their little brains!!

So, as I was saying the Hail Holy Queen prayer to myself in preparation for all of that,  I was struck by how beautiful the words were.  Lyrical, poetic even.  And it occurred to me.... put it to music.  That's how we'll all remember it.  We'll sing it.    Within minutes of deciding this, the words started singing themselves in my head.  "Hail, Holy Queen, Mother of Mercy...  O clement, O lovely, o sweet Virgin Mary, pray for us, O holy Mother of God, that we may be made worthy of the promises of Christ....".  I rushed to the piano, and wrote down what was in my head.   It took less than 30 minutes.   (Side note: I have only ever written one other piece of music, and that was for Reagan's baptism.  That song also came to me fully intact nearly instantaneously, 8 years ago.)  A gift, inspired for a reason.  This Hail Holy Queen song, now that it is put to music, I have been singing NONSTOP.  Subconsciously, I find myself singing it while at work, humming it in the car.  It has been a constant playlist in my head without ceasing for three solid days.  Needless to say, the words are now etched into my psyche. 

With the anxiety of two major hurricanes striking our country nearly simultaneously, something else occurred to me.  By singing constantly, I was PRAYING constantly.... at a time when our country needs prayers desperately.  Subconsciously, nearly unceasing for three solid days, I was praying, and asking our Blessed Mother to pray for us, too.  And you know what??  The Lord listened - not to me, but to all of us, and to His mother - because Hurricane Irma, which could have been so utterly horrendous, took the slightest of shifts, changed course by a mere 20 miles,  which turned the absolute worst case scenario into the BEST case scenario.  And thousands were spared their homes, and their lives.  By the slightest of margins.  Meteorologists are thanking the "Bermuda High" for this change in course.  I am thanking God. 

Mother of Mercy, pray for us.