I was having a discussion with some coworkers at lunch the other day, and one of them said "I just want to be happy. Isn't that the purpose of life, to be happy?" We were talking about the suicide of my boys' best friend, which is how the subject came up. He struggled with anxiety, but no one but his family knew. We were blindsided by his death, because we saw a happy, talented, well-liked kid who seemed to have everything: good friends, a loving family, a doting girlfriend. If someone like HIM could take his own life, so unexpectedly... are any of our children safe from such a thing? Which is when my coworker reiterated her thought. "I just want to be happy". And as I thought about this, it occurred to me that if the goal is happiness (which IS a good thing), and we strive primarily for happiness, we can go very far astray. Seeking happiness as the primary thing would lead you to avoid the hard, avoid the sad. You might pursue adventure, or prosperity, or things in an effort to "get happy". Because - what makes you happy? Taken to it's extreme conclusion -- seeking happiness can lead to hedonism, to selfishness. A good, taken to it's logical extreme, leads to a vice. And in the case of my family's young friend... seems unattainable, even if you have all the things that SHOULD make you happy.
The same is true of security. If the aim is to "be safe" in this world (again, a GOOD THING), if safety is our top priority... the extreme conclusion is fear, and existence without experience. Life is dangerous. Life is calculated risk. Our world in a pandemic has taught us this. With physical safety as our #1 priority, we have caused immeasurable harm in economics, social-emotional development and relationships, and spawned all sorts of political discord. Focusing on safety first has NOT improved our lives, even if it has ensured the prolonging of our physical health. Making us safer from a virus has made us safer from a virus - not safer overall, as suicide rates, drug overdoses, poverty, and riots can attest. "If you have your health, you have everything", the saying goes. This is a fallacy.
As I ran this "extreme end" scenario through each good thing I could think of that could apply for the job of "the purpose of life"... happiness, security, safety, contentment, prosperity, esteem, independence, self-sufficiency.... I realized that each "good thing" missed the mark, and actually became a vice if taken to its extreme end. And that's because these "good things" are not ends, but byproducts. If the byproduct is the goal, it mutates. It is off course - maybe by a little at the beginning, but by a whole lot at the end. The trajectory misses the mark substantially.
There is one thing, and one thing only, that encompasses all of the human condition, and is the only extreme end that leads inexorably to sanctity. That is LOVE. Love embraces the hard, the suffering. Love desires the good of the other, empties itself out only to be filled up in return with greater treasurers. With love as our aim, taken to it's final, extreme end... we see the face of God. With love as our aim, the byproducts come: peace, contentment, happiness, joy. But they are ordered as they should be - as byproducts, and not the goal. If you DESIRE joy, don't seek joy. Seek love. There will be sorrow as well, so that the joy is richer, but there will be joy. If you DESIRE peace, then love. Not that there won't be war, but the "peace that passes all understanding", the fortitude to endure life's battles knowing the end before it begins... that leads to internal peace. If you DESIRE contentment, then love. Your life may be tossed around like a ship in a storm, but with your focus on the horizon, with love as your guide, you can steady yourself, and weather whatever is thrown at you calmly. All these goods are the off shoot of a properly ordered existence. We all just need to know where to aim.
The same is true of marriage. We all want a happy marriage. But a happy marriage isn't the goal. It really isn't, unfortunately. Because when the marriage is invariably NOT happy, we think it must end. "I'm not happy. You're not making me happy. You can't make me happy anymore". And so the marriage must die. Happiness as the end of marriage leads only to the death of the marriage. The true purpose of marriage is LOVE; not twitter=pated infatuation. Not lust. But deep, abiding love -which at times hurts, and is hard, and suffers. Hurting and suffering without love is ugly and evil. We avoid it, as we should - run away from it as fast as we can. Hurting and suffering with love is redemptive. It heals the hurt, assuages the suffering. It walks into the hurt, rather than running away from it. Love is the transformative difference in all things. The willing of the good of another person greater than good of yourself - agape, self-giving love - is the most powerful thing on the planet. The most unexpected, paradoxical thing. The person who empties themselves out for others is the fullest. The one who gives away most receives. Through death comes life.
Love.
The Final End.
