My workplace is awesome. I am back to work, but they have been very "easy" on me, and have transitioned me back slowly - five hours here, three hours there. Enough to feel "real" but not enough to be overwhelmed and exhausted by it all right away. The full-blown caseload resumes after Spring Break, but by then, hopefully I'll be ready. Right now, I still get fatigued really easily, but I've resumed working out and am TRYING to get back in shape.
I'm still very hypothyrotic. Don't know if that's a word, or if I just made it up, but thyroid levels still very much out of whack. I had called my endocrinologist's office the other day about that. How long does it take to regulate these things? My goodness!! The nurse on the phone said "6-12 weeks, because it takes a while for the thyroid to respond". "Uhhhhh..." I said. "I don't have a thyroid. YOU writing a prescription are my thyroid." "OH," said she. " I missed that part in your chart. In that case, let's do some blood work and see what we get!"
So, normal TSH levels are somewhere between 1.0 and 2.0. They can run as high as 4.0 in some people, and they still feel "normal". Before I went "hypothyroid" in preparation for radioiodine treatment, my "normal" was 1.6. And I felt pretty good at that level. During the "deep plunge", my Thyroid Stimulating Hormone (which is produced by the pituitary to stimulate the thyroid in response to a lack of thyroid hormone, so has an inverse relationship to thyroid levels) was 72. SEVENTY TWO. So, definitely a bit out of whack, but that's what it's supposed to do when you go off all thyroid medication. We wanted that TSH high, and darn it... it was HIGH. To the point of making me miserable. I did a good job preparing for radiation, that's for sure.
So now, after being back ON my thyroid medication for 22 days, 3 full weeks after I should be returned to "normal"... my TSH is still 23. TWENTY THREE, not TWO POINT THREE. And my normal was 1.6. So.... still way high. By a factor of 1500% or so. Which explains a good deal about why I'm still tired all the time, and still have a hoarse voice, my period is all whacky, and why I'm still apparently gaining weight even when I have virtually no appetite whatsoever and eat usually just one meal a day at lunch time.
Hopefully, the endocrinologist will adjust my levels here soon. My primary won't touch it with a 10 foot pole... she emphatically said "we're going to let your endocrinologist handle this." My endocrinologist just happens to be on a spring break vacation with his family, so hopefully there's SOMEONE who can make adjustments for me. I'm really trying to get back to normal here, and having hormones at appropriate levels will go a long way to ensuring that happens!! Phase Seven, which I didn't even think would be a thing (in my head it was Phase Six and DONE.... NORMAL ONCE MORE), is underway. Re-regulating, and whipping myself back into shape. Phase seven, "the aftermath". But I'm getting there!!
Tuesday, March 28, 2017
Sunday, March 26, 2017
A Sacramental Paradigm - Jesus healing the Blind Man
Today's gospel reading from John 9:1-41 is always one that I had trouble understanding in the past. About Jesus and the blind man whom He cured. The fact that the blind man was cured was not what confused me. It was HOW Jesus cured the blind man. By spitting into the mud, rubbing it on the man's eyes, then having him go wash in the pool of Siloam. The confusing part in my head in the past was always... "why all the rigamorole?" Why the spit and the mud, and the pasting things onto eye sockets, and washing it off afterwards in a special pool, when we all KNOW that Jesus could say a single word and heal the guy. Of course He could do that, because He HAD done it for others. "Lord, I am not worthy that you should enter under my roof, but only say the word, and my servant shall be healed" the centurion begged Jesus to his heal trusted aide. And it was so. By a word, Jesus healed the centurion's servant. But in the case of the blind man, Jesus didn't just "say a word". He used STUFF, physical stuff. And required ACTION on the part of the blind man.
This, to me, is the epitome of a sacrament. The exact definition of a sacrament is that it is “an outward sign instituted by Christ to give grace.” So, in a sacrament, there is something VISIBLE and TANGIBLE to show us what is happening INVISIBLY (the receiving of grace). In the case of the blind man, Christ spit into the mud, and mixed the holiness of Himself into the earth. Literally. He infused His holiness into the most humble of things... dirt... and then applied it to the injured part of the man. And then he told the man to do something. The application alone wasn't enough to cure his blindness (although it COULD have, if Jesus had willed it to be so, obviously). But Christ didn't stop there for this man, for a very deliberate reason. "He said 'Go wash in the Pool of Siloam' —which means Sent—. So he went and washed, and came back able to see."
Jesus told the man to go to the place which means to send forth [the CHURCH!!!. Whose mission is to "go forth and make disciples of all men!"], and once there, He told the man to wash [BE BAPTIZED!] in order to be healed. This all required action and obedience on the part of the blind man, or he wouldn't have been healed. Jesus offered him the gift of healing, but demanded something of him in return. BELIEVE what I am telling you, and ACT on it.
Today, this reading suddenly came into crystal clear focus for me. Funny that a story about a blind man being suddenly able to see had shown me how blind I had been up until now, in regards to what Jesus was truly trying to say through His actions. The "AHA!" moment was very real this morning. Like... "how could I not have seen that before??? It seems so obvious now!"
And the resulting skepticism of the Pharisees, who persisted in their "blindness" even after seeing this miracle reminds me of so many who refuse to see the power of the sacraments that Christ has given to THEM as a gift. "I came into this world for judgement, so that those who do not see might see, and those who do see might become blind." Christ said. I have been told several times that partaking of the sacraments constitutes a "WORK" on my part, and that I am trying to "EARN MY SALVATION" by participating in them. Just like the Pharisees, who tried to condemn the miracle Jesus did as a WORK done on the Sabbath. This one gospel reading elucidates so much of what is misunderstood in Christ's church today!! Jesus told the blind man to GO and WASH in order to receive the gift of healing. Present yourself to the church and be baptized, become part of MY family, Christ implores us, in order to receive the healing He is offering. In order to receive the forgiveness of sins, the healing of our souls.
No wonder the reading was so long this morning. ONE STORY... so many answers to so many questions!! We just have to SEE!!
Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.
Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.
Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;
Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;
Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high Tower:
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.
Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.
High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.
Thursday, March 23, 2017
Processed.
SO. A few posts ago, I mentioned how I was so thankful that during this whole "health saga" thing, I was not AFRAID. And promptly after that, this past Monday, I received news that scared the heebie jeebies out of me. And I reacted fearfully. Why do I fall for this stuff??? Why do I set myself up for things I know I'm most ill-equipped to handle?
Lessons, lessons, lessons.
So, after finding out this perceived bad news, I wallowed for 24 hours. And cried some. And researched all the horrible implications of "locally invasive" thyroid cancer (which is NOT pretty). Because the PET scan showed hot spots in places in my neck where I was not expecting it to be. I had prepared myself for metastasis to the lymph nodes. I hadn't prepared myself for metastasis to muscles and vital things like my trachea and esophagus. And then, when I saw the report saying those areas "lit up" on PET scan... it FREAKED ME OUT. Big time. Because, dang it, I have children that are not yet fully raised, and they really do need their mother.
My husband, in response to my frantic texts expounding on the horrible things I learned from the thyroid cancer website, came back with "Don't be afraid. God is good". Yes, He is good. But I WAS afraid. And I needed some definitive answers.
So, I decided to call the doctor direct. I didn't want to INFER bad news. I wanted to definitively KNOW whether news was bad or not. Directly. I wanted to force the doctor to be blunt with me. So I called him.
He was on his way out of town on vacation with his family for two weeks, and couldn't talk. So... ok. I forced the NURSE to call him and talk to him, and then report back to me :).
DOES THE FACT THAT THE CANCER METASTASIZED LOCALLY IN MY NECK CHANGE MY STAGING OR PROGNOSIS? That is what I asked her to ask him (along with a question about my TSH levels, which STILL do not seem normal!!). The nurse admitted readily that she had no idea at all the answer to that question. So ask HIM, I asked. Calmly. Because I need to know.
Just asking the question made me feel better. Something about saying things out loud, or writing them down, clarifies things in my head. It's helpful to me. It's why I blog here about this kind of stuff.
When she called me back, all she could tell me is "We can't know. We can't know what's normal thyroid tissue, and what's cancerous, until it is all dead, and then see what grows back. So we have to be patient, and let the radioiodine heat-seeking missle do it's job." That was the doctor's answer, as told to me by the nurse. This, surprisingly, brought me quite a bit of peace. Because even though at first it seems like a very dissatisfying answer to a very pertinent and burning question... it triggered something in me. It made me remember something the ENT had said right after my surgery back in December. He said at the time "yeah... your thyroid was stuck pretty good to that laryngeal nerve, and we had to tug fairly hard to get it off of there." That's what he said, months ago. I remembered it, because hello... that laryngeal nerve stopped working there for about a month after that, so the "tugging" episode probably explained a few things.
And it made me realize that I had been thinking all along about my thyroid being a NORMAL thyroid. So, when the thyroid bed "lit up" on PET scan... of course it would light up there, because that's where my thyroid used to be. And that didn't freak me out. It freaked me out when the scan said that my esophagus lit up, and the side muscles of my neck lit up, and the tracheoesophageal groove on the right lit up. Places where a NORMAL thyroid wouldn't be. But... OH YEAH! My thyroid was HUGE! DUH! It's why I had surgery in the first place! We didn't find out about the cancer until 10 days after my thyroidectomy. I had my thyroidectomy, because my thyroid was HUGE AND PUSHING ON MY ESOPHAGUS AND TRACHEA, and taking up all kinds of room in my neck, and resting against my spine in the back. My thyroid was NOT where a normal thyroid would be. It was enormous, and touching (and apparently ADHERED TO) all kinds of things in my neck that it wasn't supposed to be. Which means... all those lit up spots in my neck? It's very possible that those are remnants of normal thyroid tissue in places where normal thyroid tissue isn't typically to be found, and THAT'S what lit up. That it's NOT "locally invasive", really bad bad bad news thyroid cancer, but "goiter gone amok" thyroid tissue. And that makes me feel SO.MUCH.BETTER. and takes the fear and anxiety level down twelve notches or so.
YES, there was spread to a few lymph nodes, and a little bit to my lungs. That is true metastasis - not remnants of the goiter. The stuff at the base of my neck... that is where the cancer legitimately did spread. That part is pretty clear. But that was the metastasis I had prepared myself mentally for. Because it happens in 50% of cases, and doesn't change prognosis much. The lymph node mets I can wrap my brain around. It was the other spread that was so upsetting to me. And now I realize... maybe that doesn't mean it was all cancer in those other places. Because I forgot that it was not a normal-sized thyroid we removed in the first place, but one that had blown up to twice it's normal size due to the multinodular goiter, and the "bigger than a golf-ball" sized tumor on the one side (and oh yeah, cancer on the other side). The goiter that was pushing on all kinds of structures in the neck that regular thyroid wouldn't have pushed on.
And even though the doctor can't really tell me which one of these scenarios is the ACTUAL scenario (we can't know at this point) ... the fact that there IS another scenario gives me HOPE. And that second scenario is far more likely in a normally behaving, slower growing, not-as-aggressive papillary thyroid cancer. And thus, it takes away FEAR.
You almost got me, FEAR. You're an ugly beast. I will not live with you. Be gone, be gone, be gone.
God is good. Don't be afraid.
Lessons, lessons, lessons.
So, after finding out this perceived bad news, I wallowed for 24 hours. And cried some. And researched all the horrible implications of "locally invasive" thyroid cancer (which is NOT pretty). Because the PET scan showed hot spots in places in my neck where I was not expecting it to be. I had prepared myself for metastasis to the lymph nodes. I hadn't prepared myself for metastasis to muscles and vital things like my trachea and esophagus. And then, when I saw the report saying those areas "lit up" on PET scan... it FREAKED ME OUT. Big time. Because, dang it, I have children that are not yet fully raised, and they really do need their mother.
My husband, in response to my frantic texts expounding on the horrible things I learned from the thyroid cancer website, came back with "Don't be afraid. God is good". Yes, He is good. But I WAS afraid. And I needed some definitive answers.
So, I decided to call the doctor direct. I didn't want to INFER bad news. I wanted to definitively KNOW whether news was bad or not. Directly. I wanted to force the doctor to be blunt with me. So I called him.
He was on his way out of town on vacation with his family for two weeks, and couldn't talk. So... ok. I forced the NURSE to call him and talk to him, and then report back to me :).
DOES THE FACT THAT THE CANCER METASTASIZED LOCALLY IN MY NECK CHANGE MY STAGING OR PROGNOSIS? That is what I asked her to ask him (along with a question about my TSH levels, which STILL do not seem normal!!). The nurse admitted readily that she had no idea at all the answer to that question. So ask HIM, I asked. Calmly. Because I need to know.
Just asking the question made me feel better. Something about saying things out loud, or writing them down, clarifies things in my head. It's helpful to me. It's why I blog here about this kind of stuff.
When she called me back, all she could tell me is "We can't know. We can't know what's normal thyroid tissue, and what's cancerous, until it is all dead, and then see what grows back. So we have to be patient, and let the radioiodine heat-seeking missle do it's job." That was the doctor's answer, as told to me by the nurse. This, surprisingly, brought me quite a bit of peace. Because even though at first it seems like a very dissatisfying answer to a very pertinent and burning question... it triggered something in me. It made me remember something the ENT had said right after my surgery back in December. He said at the time "yeah... your thyroid was stuck pretty good to that laryngeal nerve, and we had to tug fairly hard to get it off of there." That's what he said, months ago. I remembered it, because hello... that laryngeal nerve stopped working there for about a month after that, so the "tugging" episode probably explained a few things.
And it made me realize that I had been thinking all along about my thyroid being a NORMAL thyroid. So, when the thyroid bed "lit up" on PET scan... of course it would light up there, because that's where my thyroid used to be. And that didn't freak me out. It freaked me out when the scan said that my esophagus lit up, and the side muscles of my neck lit up, and the tracheoesophageal groove on the right lit up. Places where a NORMAL thyroid wouldn't be. But... OH YEAH! My thyroid was HUGE! DUH! It's why I had surgery in the first place! We didn't find out about the cancer until 10 days after my thyroidectomy. I had my thyroidectomy, because my thyroid was HUGE AND PUSHING ON MY ESOPHAGUS AND TRACHEA, and taking up all kinds of room in my neck, and resting against my spine in the back. My thyroid was NOT where a normal thyroid would be. It was enormous, and touching (and apparently ADHERED TO) all kinds of things in my neck that it wasn't supposed to be. Which means... all those lit up spots in my neck? It's very possible that those are remnants of normal thyroid tissue in places where normal thyroid tissue isn't typically to be found, and THAT'S what lit up. That it's NOT "locally invasive", really bad bad bad news thyroid cancer, but "goiter gone amok" thyroid tissue. And that makes me feel SO.MUCH.BETTER. and takes the fear and anxiety level down twelve notches or so.
YES, there was spread to a few lymph nodes, and a little bit to my lungs. That is true metastasis - not remnants of the goiter. The stuff at the base of my neck... that is where the cancer legitimately did spread. That part is pretty clear. But that was the metastasis I had prepared myself mentally for. Because it happens in 50% of cases, and doesn't change prognosis much. The lymph node mets I can wrap my brain around. It was the other spread that was so upsetting to me. And now I realize... maybe that doesn't mean it was all cancer in those other places. Because I forgot that it was not a normal-sized thyroid we removed in the first place, but one that had blown up to twice it's normal size due to the multinodular goiter, and the "bigger than a golf-ball" sized tumor on the one side (and oh yeah, cancer on the other side). The goiter that was pushing on all kinds of structures in the neck that regular thyroid wouldn't have pushed on.
And even though the doctor can't really tell me which one of these scenarios is the ACTUAL scenario (we can't know at this point) ... the fact that there IS another scenario gives me HOPE. And that second scenario is far more likely in a normally behaving, slower growing, not-as-aggressive papillary thyroid cancer. And thus, it takes away FEAR.
You almost got me, FEAR. You're an ugly beast. I will not live with you. Be gone, be gone, be gone.
God is good. Don't be afraid.
Monday, March 20, 2017
Violation. Processing.
I fully realize that I am still very hypothyroid, which makes me overly emotional. I know this. So take everything I'm about to say with a grain of salt. Understand that I am fully cognizant that nothing I am about to say is really rational. I'm just kind of processing at a pure emotional level right now, which is not where I like to be, but it is what it is. I'm going to allow myself this. For tonight at least. I will wallow, in a completely irrational way.
I requested the actual report from my recent PET and CT scans, and received them today. So I read the real, unfiltered report. Not the "GREAT NEWS! NO DISTANT METASTASIS!" verbal report I got from the nurse, but the actual down and dirty, "what lit up on the scan" report, straight from the radiologist who was staring at my insides for three hours. And it kinda took the air out of my sails.
I thought it was strange that the call last Wednesday from the nurse, quoting the letter that the doctor had transcribed to mail to me, just said there was "nothing outside the neck area". That seemed very deliberately vague to me. Great news... don't get me wrong. We really didn't WANT cancer to have spread outside the neck area. That would obviously be bad. But... what about INSIDE the neck area? That was what was so vague. Had the cancer stayed where it was supposed to, just inside the thyroid that we had removed with surgery? The 2 cm nodule? Had it stayed put like that? Did only the place where that thyroid used to be light up on the PET scan? Just residual, normal thyroid tissue? Was it all so nice and neat and contained and DONE, like that? The endocrinologist didn't say in his letter. The nurse couldn't say when I asked her on the phone. In fact, she actually said "I'm sure there wasn't any spread outside the thyroid bed, because the doctor didn't mention it at all in his letter."
But the actual report could say. And did say. The cancer HAD spread outside the thyroid bed. It had spread to lymph nodes. It had spread to my trachea. It had spread to the neck muscles on either side, and it had spread to my esophagus. And it had even spread, just a little bit, to the middle lobe of my right lung. It had "lit up" my neck so much, in fact, that the radiologist was worried that it had invaded my sternum and chest bones, which is why he took extra pictures, and the scan took three hours instead of the one hour I had anticipated. He wanted to make sure that the bones were cancer free (they are, by the way). But the cancer very much did NOT stay right in the thyroid. The doctor was right, it had (mostly) stayed "in the neck area"... but man, did it coat that neck area. And the doctor was further right, in that radioiodine SHOULD take out all of that "extensive abnormal uptake in the mid cervical area and base of the neck". So regardless of how much was there... I've had my treatment, and it should kill all the bad stuff. The doctor's office called me back on Friday (after the "GREAT NEWS!" phone call on Wednesday) and asked me to come all the way back to Wisconsin for one more blood test, just to make SURE that my tumor markers return to zero, and that we really did kill all that cancer in my neck (and the little spot in my lung). So the doctor could honestly tell me what great news the PET scan was, without really telling me the extent of what the actual report said, because... hopefully... it doesn't matter. Hopefully, radiation took out all that metastasized cancer, just as it would've taken out the residual thyroid tissue if there hadn't been any metastasis at all. Why scare me with all the gory details, when treatment (and presumably results of that treatment) should be the same, regardless? It doesn't necessarily matter what lit up on the scan in the neck... the 100 mCi of radiation should have killed it all. So don't stress yourself out over it. It's GREAT NEWS. The cancer was limited to the neck!! TA DA!
I am irritated, because I don't like being coddled. I prefer the straight dope. I am a medical professional. I can handle it. My way of handling things is to educate myself, and I can't do that if I'm given vague generalities meant to alleviate potential fear. I find that incredibly condescending, and I don't appreciate it. Which is why I ALWAYS prefer the real data from the original report, unfiltered by nurses on the phone, and why I always request my medical records, because I know... no one is going to advocate for me like I can advocate for myself, if need be. This is why I insist on being educated on my own health, and don't rely on others.
But, a kazillion times more than that... I feel violated. Violated by stupid cancer. Because I was led to believe that it was just a small little tumor in the thyroid, and that all the cancer was removed with surgery. I've been told repeatedly that I have the "good kind" of cancer, the "if you're going to get cancer, this is the best kind" because it's slow growing, and curable, and all of that. Except... mine wasn't so slow growing, OBVIOUSLY. It had tripled in size in six months, and spread OUTSIDE the thyroid to coat a good chunk of the inside of my neck, apparently. And to my lungs, even if just a little bit. I feel... I don't know... like someone broke into my home and stole my stuff. Like cancer broke into my body and VIOLATED me. That's what it feels like. A violation. An invasion. It wasn't just a little tumor in my thyroid. It was an assault. I feel... not safe in my own body, which is ridiculous. And irrational. But that's what it feels like. Like I was betrayed by this "good" cancer that's in reality far more aggressive and ugly then what people and the internet have been telling me.
I know, in my brain, that none of this changes the course of my treatment. It doesn't even really change my prognosis. Stage 3 cancer is stage 3 cancer. The amount of metastasis doesn't change the stage of my cancer, because it never left the neck area. If it had, then things turn into stage 4 cancer, and all of a sudden, prognosis goes WAY down. The little nodule in my lungs is small enough that it could just be a random thing, so it doesn't count. And hopefully, it goes away by the next scan. Just something to keep an eye on, but not enough to change me from Stage 3 to Stage 4. So, as of right now, my treatment should still be done for the time being, my prognosis is still really good, and the only difference is that I'm having trouble wrapping my brain around the idea that SOMETHING invaded my neck far more than I thought it did, and that just makes me feel... emotional. And not good. Even though, rationally, I should be able to say "it's okay. It's all still okay".
So when people congratulate me on being back to work, and being "ok" again... I smile, and say "thanks, it's good to be back". Because it IS. But I don't feel myself yet. I don't feel "back". Not just yet. Hopefully, I'll get there soon. But it's been a rough road, to be honest, and I feel worse for the wear. I'm tired all the time, and cold, and hoarse, and overweight, and crabby, and continue to have abdominal cramps, and not be able to eat normally. And I feel like a big old baby because it COULD BE SO MUCH WORSE. I'm thankful it's NOT been worse. Truly I am. And I'm just so sick of focusing on myself and my health status. If I'm sick of it, I know that others are sick of it. It's so all-consuming and self-absorbed, it needs to ALL GO AWAY ALREADY.
Tomorrow, I will be rational and upbeat, and regain some much needed perspective. I will work on putting it all behind me tomorrow.
But for tonight, I'm allowing myself to wallow.
Tonight, I will allow myself to say... "you suck cancer. Get out of me and leave me alone."
I requested the actual report from my recent PET and CT scans, and received them today. So I read the real, unfiltered report. Not the "GREAT NEWS! NO DISTANT METASTASIS!" verbal report I got from the nurse, but the actual down and dirty, "what lit up on the scan" report, straight from the radiologist who was staring at my insides for three hours. And it kinda took the air out of my sails.
I thought it was strange that the call last Wednesday from the nurse, quoting the letter that the doctor had transcribed to mail to me, just said there was "nothing outside the neck area". That seemed very deliberately vague to me. Great news... don't get me wrong. We really didn't WANT cancer to have spread outside the neck area. That would obviously be bad. But... what about INSIDE the neck area? That was what was so vague. Had the cancer stayed where it was supposed to, just inside the thyroid that we had removed with surgery? The 2 cm nodule? Had it stayed put like that? Did only the place where that thyroid used to be light up on the PET scan? Just residual, normal thyroid tissue? Was it all so nice and neat and contained and DONE, like that? The endocrinologist didn't say in his letter. The nurse couldn't say when I asked her on the phone. In fact, she actually said "I'm sure there wasn't any spread outside the thyroid bed, because the doctor didn't mention it at all in his letter."
But the actual report could say. And did say. The cancer HAD spread outside the thyroid bed. It had spread to lymph nodes. It had spread to my trachea. It had spread to the neck muscles on either side, and it had spread to my esophagus. And it had even spread, just a little bit, to the middle lobe of my right lung. It had "lit up" my neck so much, in fact, that the radiologist was worried that it had invaded my sternum and chest bones, which is why he took extra pictures, and the scan took three hours instead of the one hour I had anticipated. He wanted to make sure that the bones were cancer free (they are, by the way). But the cancer very much did NOT stay right in the thyroid. The doctor was right, it had (mostly) stayed "in the neck area"... but man, did it coat that neck area. And the doctor was further right, in that radioiodine SHOULD take out all of that "extensive abnormal uptake in the mid cervical area and base of the neck". So regardless of how much was there... I've had my treatment, and it should kill all the bad stuff. The doctor's office called me back on Friday (after the "GREAT NEWS!" phone call on Wednesday) and asked me to come all the way back to Wisconsin for one more blood test, just to make SURE that my tumor markers return to zero, and that we really did kill all that cancer in my neck (and the little spot in my lung). So the doctor could honestly tell me what great news the PET scan was, without really telling me the extent of what the actual report said, because... hopefully... it doesn't matter. Hopefully, radiation took out all that metastasized cancer, just as it would've taken out the residual thyroid tissue if there hadn't been any metastasis at all. Why scare me with all the gory details, when treatment (and presumably results of that treatment) should be the same, regardless? It doesn't necessarily matter what lit up on the scan in the neck... the 100 mCi of radiation should have killed it all. So don't stress yourself out over it. It's GREAT NEWS. The cancer was limited to the neck!! TA DA!
I am irritated, because I don't like being coddled. I prefer the straight dope. I am a medical professional. I can handle it. My way of handling things is to educate myself, and I can't do that if I'm given vague generalities meant to alleviate potential fear. I find that incredibly condescending, and I don't appreciate it. Which is why I ALWAYS prefer the real data from the original report, unfiltered by nurses on the phone, and why I always request my medical records, because I know... no one is going to advocate for me like I can advocate for myself, if need be. This is why I insist on being educated on my own health, and don't rely on others.
But, a kazillion times more than that... I feel violated. Violated by stupid cancer. Because I was led to believe that it was just a small little tumor in the thyroid, and that all the cancer was removed with surgery. I've been told repeatedly that I have the "good kind" of cancer, the "if you're going to get cancer, this is the best kind" because it's slow growing, and curable, and all of that. Except... mine wasn't so slow growing, OBVIOUSLY. It had tripled in size in six months, and spread OUTSIDE the thyroid to coat a good chunk of the inside of my neck, apparently. And to my lungs, even if just a little bit. I feel... I don't know... like someone broke into my home and stole my stuff. Like cancer broke into my body and VIOLATED me. That's what it feels like. A violation. An invasion. It wasn't just a little tumor in my thyroid. It was an assault. I feel... not safe in my own body, which is ridiculous. And irrational. But that's what it feels like. Like I was betrayed by this "good" cancer that's in reality far more aggressive and ugly then what people and the internet have been telling me.
I know, in my brain, that none of this changes the course of my treatment. It doesn't even really change my prognosis. Stage 3 cancer is stage 3 cancer. The amount of metastasis doesn't change the stage of my cancer, because it never left the neck area. If it had, then things turn into stage 4 cancer, and all of a sudden, prognosis goes WAY down. The little nodule in my lungs is small enough that it could just be a random thing, so it doesn't count. And hopefully, it goes away by the next scan. Just something to keep an eye on, but not enough to change me from Stage 3 to Stage 4. So, as of right now, my treatment should still be done for the time being, my prognosis is still really good, and the only difference is that I'm having trouble wrapping my brain around the idea that SOMETHING invaded my neck far more than I thought it did, and that just makes me feel... emotional. And not good. Even though, rationally, I should be able to say "it's okay. It's all still okay".
So when people congratulate me on being back to work, and being "ok" again... I smile, and say "thanks, it's good to be back". Because it IS. But I don't feel myself yet. I don't feel "back". Not just yet. Hopefully, I'll get there soon. But it's been a rough road, to be honest, and I feel worse for the wear. I'm tired all the time, and cold, and hoarse, and overweight, and crabby, and continue to have abdominal cramps, and not be able to eat normally. And I feel like a big old baby because it COULD BE SO MUCH WORSE. I'm thankful it's NOT been worse. Truly I am. And I'm just so sick of focusing on myself and my health status. If I'm sick of it, I know that others are sick of it. It's so all-consuming and self-absorbed, it needs to ALL GO AWAY ALREADY.
Tomorrow, I will be rational and upbeat, and regain some much needed perspective. I will work on putting it all behind me tomorrow.
But for tonight, I'm allowing myself to wallow.
Tonight, I will allow myself to say... "you suck cancer. Get out of me and leave me alone."
Thursday, March 16, 2017
Blessing of Suffering
A thought occurred to me in the shower today, post my ultimate "good news" phone call, as I was reflecting back on the ordeal of the past several months.
What IF someone I know and love, in the hereafter, was waiting to be ushered into the presence of the Almighty, wanting to desperately see that beatific vision, but not yet purified to be ready. What IF God in His gracious and abundant love, spoke to His beloved child, my relative, whom He wants with Himself more than anything, and said "you are SO CLOSE my child, but nothing imperfect can enter heaven and survive. And I want you with me so desperately. Do not be discouraged. Will you seek someone to help you finish your transformation? To help you on this last step of your journey into my presence, where we can live together in joy forever?"
What IF my loved one looked around here on earth, and saw that middle-aged woman in the mid-west, and knew how much I loved them when they lived here on earth with me. What if they said to our Lord "her, Lord. She will help me. She loved me so much when we were together on earth. I'm sure she would if you asked it of her." And God granted that request. What if He allowed ME to help my loved one?
And at the start of it, I didn't understand, and was cranky and resentful and full of "why me?" and "this sucks". Because I didn't understand what it was all about, and thought it was all about ME, because I'm a selfish human being that way. Me, like Simon of Cyrene, being conscripted against my will for the greatest of blessings.
But then... in the heart of it, God sent me people to wake me up, to let me in on the secret. "If you allow it, and embrace it, Monica... this can be a help for your loved ones! Offer it up! Use it as God intended!" The voice of God, through my husband, through my mother.
And what IF that was what it was all about. Not about me at all. One thing after another, one trial after another, one discomfort after another, for 11 long weeks. What if it was all an opportunity to be of assistance to someone I loved so much, and who believed in that love that I have for them, that God ALLOWED me to help them through their own journey in the hereafter because... after all... we are part of ONE BODY, the BODY OF CHRIST. Not just here on earth, but in the beyond as well. What if my temporary discomfort, my minor bit of inconvenience, which I whined so much of the way through... what IF it was used for the eternal good of someone I love? Grandpa or Grandma or Aunt Marian, or Aunt Joan, or Uncle Carly, or Aunt Dorothy or Uncle Ed? Not because Jesus' sacrifice was incomplete, but because He allows us to help each other, to understand Him better.
What a blessing that would be, that I was chosen for such a task! What guilt I have for resisting it so much, instead of embracing it willingly!!! I should be thanking God for the opportunity! And now, now that I know it is past, and have the perspective to see how minor it was in hindsight, even though it was so all-consuming as I was living it... I can say, "if it was for YOU, dear loved one, then every last second was worth it! I'm sorry I was so resistant to God's plan!! And THANK YOU, great and loving Lord, for allowing me the opportunity to be of help, even if it was such LITTLE help compared to Your sacrifice. Just a miniscule fraction of what you suffered, the tiniest of tastes. But You allowed me to help someone I love very much, in my own small way, to the tiniest of degrees. You blessed me with that, so that I could understand a FRACTION of what You accomplished on the cross.
THANK YOU LORD!! What a blessing this has been.
What IF someone I know and love, in the hereafter, was waiting to be ushered into the presence of the Almighty, wanting to desperately see that beatific vision, but not yet purified to be ready. What IF God in His gracious and abundant love, spoke to His beloved child, my relative, whom He wants with Himself more than anything, and said "you are SO CLOSE my child, but nothing imperfect can enter heaven and survive. And I want you with me so desperately. Do not be discouraged. Will you seek someone to help you finish your transformation? To help you on this last step of your journey into my presence, where we can live together in joy forever?"
What IF my loved one looked around here on earth, and saw that middle-aged woman in the mid-west, and knew how much I loved them when they lived here on earth with me. What if they said to our Lord "her, Lord. She will help me. She loved me so much when we were together on earth. I'm sure she would if you asked it of her." And God granted that request. What if He allowed ME to help my loved one?
And at the start of it, I didn't understand, and was cranky and resentful and full of "why me?" and "this sucks". Because I didn't understand what it was all about, and thought it was all about ME, because I'm a selfish human being that way. Me, like Simon of Cyrene, being conscripted against my will for the greatest of blessings.
But then... in the heart of it, God sent me people to wake me up, to let me in on the secret. "If you allow it, and embrace it, Monica... this can be a help for your loved ones! Offer it up! Use it as God intended!" The voice of God, through my husband, through my mother.
And what IF that was what it was all about. Not about me at all. One thing after another, one trial after another, one discomfort after another, for 11 long weeks. What if it was all an opportunity to be of assistance to someone I loved so much, and who believed in that love that I have for them, that God ALLOWED me to help them through their own journey in the hereafter because... after all... we are part of ONE BODY, the BODY OF CHRIST. Not just here on earth, but in the beyond as well. What if my temporary discomfort, my minor bit of inconvenience, which I whined so much of the way through... what IF it was used for the eternal good of someone I love? Grandpa or Grandma or Aunt Marian, or Aunt Joan, or Uncle Carly, or Aunt Dorothy or Uncle Ed? Not because Jesus' sacrifice was incomplete, but because He allows us to help each other, to understand Him better.
What a blessing that would be, that I was chosen for such a task! What guilt I have for resisting it so much, instead of embracing it willingly!!! I should be thanking God for the opportunity! And now, now that I know it is past, and have the perspective to see how minor it was in hindsight, even though it was so all-consuming as I was living it... I can say, "if it was for YOU, dear loved one, then every last second was worth it! I'm sorry I was so resistant to God's plan!! And THANK YOU, great and loving Lord, for allowing me the opportunity to be of help, even if it was such LITTLE help compared to Your sacrifice. Just a miniscule fraction of what you suffered, the tiniest of tastes. But You allowed me to help someone I love very much, in my own small way, to the tiniest of degrees. You blessed me with that, so that I could understand a FRACTION of what You accomplished on the cross.
THANK YOU LORD!! What a blessing this has been.
Thought of the Day.
How I love this. From Pope Benedict the 16th. YES YES YES. I need to remember this always. We are not saved for OURSELVES. We are universal.
"Salvation, then, like everything Christ does, is not a finish-line, but a new beginning, the ordination of a particular man into a being-for-others, the breaking-open and turning-out of the soul to the world. If God has called me to the Christian life, it is not because he is flexing his arbitrary power to save “whomsoever he will” (all glory to him for leaving me speechless, and without explanation as to why he chooses me and not my neighbor.) He chooses me for my neighbor. To be saved is to be for. The answer to the question why I am Catholic and not another is already written into the meaning of the word Catholic — universal. The universal donor can give to all blood types, the universal antidote counteracts all poisons, and the universal human being, that is, the Catholic human being, must be “all things to all people” — a being-for every other being, a being in a relationship of love to everything not-Catholic."
"Salvation, then, like everything Christ does, is not a finish-line, but a new beginning, the ordination of a particular man into a being-for-others, the breaking-open and turning-out of the soul to the world. If God has called me to the Christian life, it is not because he is flexing his arbitrary power to save “whomsoever he will” (all glory to him for leaving me speechless, and without explanation as to why he chooses me and not my neighbor.) He chooses me for my neighbor. To be saved is to be for. The answer to the question why I am Catholic and not another is already written into the meaning of the word Catholic — universal. The universal donor can give to all blood types, the universal antidote counteracts all poisons, and the universal human being, that is, the Catholic human being, must be “all things to all people” — a being-for every other being, a being in a relationship of love to everything not-Catholic."
Wednesday, March 15, 2017
PHASE SIX: DONE!!! (almost)
Just got the call, the magic phone call. My scan results were GOOD!!! "All uptake in the neck area". Which means that there is no cancer OUTSIDE the neck area, which would be the absolute worst-case scenario!!! WOOOOO HOOOOO! The nurse couldn't say if that meant there were lymph nodes in the neck involved, but even if there WAS, hopefully the radiation would kill that off, which means I am DONE DONE DONE, and out the other side, my life reclaimed!!!! OH HAPPY, GLORIOUS DAY!!!
I'm deliriously happy right now. Just beaming. We MADE IT THROUGH. THANK YOU GOOD AND GRACIOUS LORD!!! I'm going to be writing in all caps a whole lot I think, because I am just so thrilled.
Follow up blood work in 6 weeks, follow up with the endocrinologist in 6 months, but otherwise... a FREE WOMAN, who now just needs to whip this body back into shape!!!
It took 5 days to get my gut moving again after radiation, and my salivary glands are still not working. My stomach is still extremely temperamental, and I blow up like a helium balloon if I eat the wrong thing (dairy, I'm looking at YOU), but... those are all things that will improve with time, I have no doubt. I'm still hypothyroid, I have a feeling, given that my voice is still a little hoarse (but much, much improved!!! And mostly only at the end of the day now!) All very minor things that will be nothing before we know it!!! But I am overall feeling SO MUCH BETTER !
I went back to work a 1/2 day last Monday and did JUST FINE! (Fell asleep at 8:30 pm afterwards, and slept an entire 10 hours, but I tolerated the work just fine!). I'll slowly work myself back up to my full schedule. There's recuperation time involved here, but NO MORE BUMPS IN THE ROAD.
We made it to the other side.
Thank you, Lord. Thank you family and friends for prayers answered.
Time to resume life as we know it!
I can't stop smiling!!!
ADDENDUM: OK. Just got another phone call from the endocrinologist. Still good CT and PET scan results in that there was spread to only one lymph node in the neck and they are pretty sure the radiation knocked that out. One spot in the lungs that they think was probably just a fluke or artifact, so they'll continue to monitor that but it's probably nothing. Frustrating thing was only that the blood test for the tumor marker came back all wonky so.... one more trip to Minicqua for a five minute blood draw, because the local lab obviously doesn't know what they are doing. The nurse was really apologetic to ask me to drive five hours for a simple blood test. I just said "are you kidding me?!?!? It's pretty important to know whether we got all the cancer or not, and this is the test that tells us that. I will gladly drive five hours to ensure an accurate result!!!" After it took two and half weeks for the local lab to deliver results that should take 24 hours, I was a little suspect of them myself. So.... ONE more road trip to Minocqua in two weeks, but THEN phase six will REALLY be done!! Given that I keep celebrating with cake and dessert after every milestone, this gives me just one more excuse I think;).
I'm deliriously happy right now. Just beaming. We MADE IT THROUGH. THANK YOU GOOD AND GRACIOUS LORD!!! I'm going to be writing in all caps a whole lot I think, because I am just so thrilled.
Follow up blood work in 6 weeks, follow up with the endocrinologist in 6 months, but otherwise... a FREE WOMAN, who now just needs to whip this body back into shape!!!
It took 5 days to get my gut moving again after radiation, and my salivary glands are still not working. My stomach is still extremely temperamental, and I blow up like a helium balloon if I eat the wrong thing (dairy, I'm looking at YOU), but... those are all things that will improve with time, I have no doubt. I'm still hypothyroid, I have a feeling, given that my voice is still a little hoarse (but much, much improved!!! And mostly only at the end of the day now!) All very minor things that will be nothing before we know it!!! But I am overall feeling SO MUCH BETTER !
I went back to work a 1/2 day last Monday and did JUST FINE! (Fell asleep at 8:30 pm afterwards, and slept an entire 10 hours, but I tolerated the work just fine!). I'll slowly work myself back up to my full schedule. There's recuperation time involved here, but NO MORE BUMPS IN THE ROAD.
We made it to the other side.
Thank you, Lord. Thank you family and friends for prayers answered.
Time to resume life as we know it!
I can't stop smiling!!!
ADDENDUM: OK. Just got another phone call from the endocrinologist. Still good CT and PET scan results in that there was spread to only one lymph node in the neck and they are pretty sure the radiation knocked that out. One spot in the lungs that they think was probably just a fluke or artifact, so they'll continue to monitor that but it's probably nothing. Frustrating thing was only that the blood test for the tumor marker came back all wonky so.... one more trip to Minicqua for a five minute blood draw, because the local lab obviously doesn't know what they are doing. The nurse was really apologetic to ask me to drive five hours for a simple blood test. I just said "are you kidding me?!?!? It's pretty important to know whether we got all the cancer or not, and this is the test that tells us that. I will gladly drive five hours to ensure an accurate result!!!" After it took two and half weeks for the local lab to deliver results that should take 24 hours, I was a little suspect of them myself. So.... ONE more road trip to Minocqua in two weeks, but THEN phase six will REALLY be done!! Given that I keep celebrating with cake and dessert after every milestone, this gives me just one more excuse I think;).
Tuesday, March 7, 2017
Phase 5, Status Update
Since I'm documenting the journey, might as well update Phase 5 here. I've already written about how day 1 of Phase 5 (getting to and from radioiodine) went off perfectly. And it did. I was so elated, and happy, and thankful. Still am about that. Only effects of radiation on that day that I could tell were burning sensations in my throat and kidneys, which were to be expected and tolerable. And some at the base and right side of my neck. Which was more interesting to me than painful. It's all good. Still very hypothyroid in general, with dry mouth, bloating, blurry vision, always cold, hoarse voice... but... that was a GREAT day overall. Because it went so unexpectedly well, when it could have gone so terribly.
Phase 5 Day 2 was rough. I was drinking massive amounts of fluid, as I was directed, to flush out the radiation. And.... there it sat. Woke up nauseous, but no vomiting. And bloated bloated bloated. Felt like I'd just eaten Thanksgiving dinner, when I hadn't eaten really much of anything. That day, water went continually in, but nothing came out. Nothing. Water, and the other stuff that's normally supposed to come out every day.... NOTHING AT ALL. Everything just sat there in my belly. My face swelled up, my eyes swelled nearly shut. There were indents in my legs when I crossed them, and fingerprints in my cheeks when I leaned my chin in my hands. Found out later this is a side effect of severe hypothyroidism, called myxedema. It's not pretty. Here... let me show you a lovely picture I sent to my sister that day, asking "do you have any beauty remedies for THIS?"
I was really trying to open my eyes in this picture. And I was wearing makeup. ((yammahamma)). Sorry. I wasn't looking or feeling tip top, that's for sure. I had no appetite at all. That evening I forced myself to eat some protein ( a small bowl of chicken noodle soup and piece of plain chicken breast). The food helped with the nausea. By late afternoon, after pacing around my room, doing deep knee bends, squats, and abdominal self-massage... still nothing. I laid on my bed and said a rosary. And then another. And prayed prayed prayed. I knew this radiation needed to be expelled from my body, at the risk of doing great damage to my insides, and yet there it sat... trapped. The scale said I had gained 10 pounds, and yet I'd eaten virtually nothing for nearly a week.
It was a beautiful day outside, and I'd opened all the shades to my bedroom to let in the natural sunlight. As I laid on my bed and prayed, my eyes were closed, but behind my eyelids, an extremely bright light passed several times. And an overwhelming sense of peace came. It would be okay. After the third rosary, I finally felt some air being expelled, and I was incredibly grateful. Thank you Lord, for the expellation of gas? Yes. Thank you for that, because it made my hugely distended abdomen more comfortable. And finally late that evening, after two heavily steeped, "double-bagged each" cups of caffeinated tea, 8 bottles of water, and 3 cups of apple-cider vinegar/ginger concoctions.... I began to diuresis a little. It was really hard to accomplish for some reason (I had to bear down really hard for just a trickle), but water was being dispelled. THANK YOU FOR THAT AS WELL, Lord. I will take it. All night long, I had twitching in my right biceps. Electrolytes were surely askew. But fluids were vacating the premise.
Sunday, I was able to restart my Synthroid, and that helped to finally start getting rid of all that built up water in a serious way. The quality of my voice and blurry vision started improving as well. I was officially allowed to start eating a normal diet again, but had absolutely no appetite whatsoever and couldn't seem to bring myself to consume food. I did, however, return to some much needed supplements: calcium, vitamin C, milk-thistle to help clean out the liver. Still really distended abdomen, but passing gas now. Nothing but gas, but the passing of gas made me feel more comfortable. I had a cup of coffee (I never drink coffee), and a cup of prescription-strength miralax to try and get things moving. Two more cups of "double bagged" caffeinated tea, 7 bottles of water, 2 more cups of ginger/apple cider vinegar drink. Paced around my room, more abdominal massage. Absolutely no appetite whatsoever, so I hadn't eaten a single thing, but didn't realize that until around 4 pm. That's when I decided that I should probably get checked out to see why my bowels weren't moving at all after 3 days. I called the on-call nurse at the Marshfield clinic, and after hearing my story, she told me to go the Emergency Room to get checked out. So I did. Radioactive and all.
My blood pressure was 165/105. It's never been that high before! And I was FREEZING - the nurse brought me three heated blankets, one after the other, and raised the temperature in the room to as high as it could go, yet I was still physically shivering. Peeing was still hard, but successful now. I was expelling fluids and it felt GOOD to see it go! An xray showed that my bowels weren't blocked, just a heck of a lot of gas in there making me uncomfortable. Give it time, I was told. Things will start moving again once the gut calms down. Just irritated by radiation and c-diff, but nothing that shouldn't go away. OK. There's peace of mind in that. Nothing is blocked or compacted, just sitting there patiently. And since that day I was allowed to get off the low-iodine diet, I asked Rob to call in an order for a pizza, and I picked it up on my way home from the hospital. Despite the utter lack of appetite, I ate that pizza and SAVORED EVERY BITE. It was fabulous.
Yesterday was a better day. I continue to drink lots but am able to get rid of the fluids now. It makes me much more comfortable, and I can fully open my eyes again since they're no longer swollen nearly shut. The addition of Synthroid to my life after 7.5 weeks is a good one. I've had a dramatic improvement in my vision, and my mouth isn't nearly as dry any more. My voice is returning to normal. Still very little appetite, but I forced myself to eat some oatmeal for breakfast, a slice of left-over pizza for lunch (still tasted good!) and a slice of whole-wheat bread for dinner. Still trying coffee, prescription strength Miralax, tea, apple juice... anything to see some movement on the south end. I was able to get outside and go for a 40 minute walk which felt SO GOOD AND PROACTIVE!!!! And yet, after four days, still nothing is moving in that regard.
This morning I'm feeling some burning in my kidneys, which makes me a little nervous. Vancomyacin is reportedly hard on kidneys, and mine were already under duress. But I'm not going to dwell on that, just keep flushing with lots of fluid. Woke up in a panic at 5 am, realizing that I forgot to make an appointment with my primary care physician about getting the official "back to work" clearance! I'm planning on returning on Monday, and my doctor is REALLY hard to get in to!!! So that will be the goal for today - get an appointment somehow so I can return to work on Monday. And if things aren't moving by whenever I can get in, I will ask her about that as well. The radiation should be enough weakened by now that I can be in the same room as adults, as long as I stand 3 feet away, if it's less than an hour at a time. We're still being uber-cautious with the kids for the week. I'm staying completely away from them for the full 7 days, which is hard, but we're managing fine (thank you, Face time!)
Rob and the kids have really stepped up to the challenge of an absent mother. They've cleaned the house, and managed meals really nicely. I don't hear fighting or chaos outside my bedroom door! Just lots and lots of piano playing, and frequent phone calls from a little girl who just wants to chit chat and make faces into the phone. Father Ben came over yesterday afternoon, and made the family his famous venison pasty's for dinner. Then, after Rob and he had a sauna and the children were in bed... at nearly midnight.... he said his daily Mass for us. It was beautiful and such a blessing, to have something so sacred in our home. Thank you, Lord, for the gift of Father Ben in our lives as well. We are abundantly blessed.
One thing I just realized just now, among the many, many, many blessings we've received through all of this. I think perhaps the biggest blessing of all, the one that makes everything do-able, is the utter lack of FEAR. There has been discomfort, and frustration, and a fair bit of whining on my part. I have had some concern here and there. But one thing I have not had to deal with, and am truly thankful for, is that I have not been AFRAID. Not since the moment this whole saga started. I have always known, deep in my heart, that this is just a trial to get THROUGH. A tunnel of sorts. But there has always been a light at the end of the tunnel, and we have not, even for a single moment, been left in total darkness. We have felt the hand of God in a zillion ways every. single. day. He has not left us for one second unattended. I can't even begin to express my gratitude for that. He is here, with us, and that is enormously comforting and has been the single reason this family has weathered this storm as we have. Because God has been here, and worked through each of YOU, in ways that we will be forever grateful for.
Phase six starts in 3 days. I am READY FOR NORMALCY. It feels like the clock is ticking in that regard. Come on, body!!! We can do this!! Cooperate, so that we can put all of this behind us!!! Phase six and done!! FINISH LINE IN SIGHT!!
Phase 5 Day 2 was rough. I was drinking massive amounts of fluid, as I was directed, to flush out the radiation. And.... there it sat. Woke up nauseous, but no vomiting. And bloated bloated bloated. Felt like I'd just eaten Thanksgiving dinner, when I hadn't eaten really much of anything. That day, water went continually in, but nothing came out. Nothing. Water, and the other stuff that's normally supposed to come out every day.... NOTHING AT ALL. Everything just sat there in my belly. My face swelled up, my eyes swelled nearly shut. There were indents in my legs when I crossed them, and fingerprints in my cheeks when I leaned my chin in my hands. Found out later this is a side effect of severe hypothyroidism, called myxedema. It's not pretty. Here... let me show you a lovely picture I sent to my sister that day, asking "do you have any beauty remedies for THIS?"
It was a beautiful day outside, and I'd opened all the shades to my bedroom to let in the natural sunlight. As I laid on my bed and prayed, my eyes were closed, but behind my eyelids, an extremely bright light passed several times. And an overwhelming sense of peace came. It would be okay. After the third rosary, I finally felt some air being expelled, and I was incredibly grateful. Thank you Lord, for the expellation of gas? Yes. Thank you for that, because it made my hugely distended abdomen more comfortable. And finally late that evening, after two heavily steeped, "double-bagged each" cups of caffeinated tea, 8 bottles of water, and 3 cups of apple-cider vinegar/ginger concoctions.... I began to diuresis a little. It was really hard to accomplish for some reason (I had to bear down really hard for just a trickle), but water was being dispelled. THANK YOU FOR THAT AS WELL, Lord. I will take it. All night long, I had twitching in my right biceps. Electrolytes were surely askew. But fluids were vacating the premise.
Sunday, I was able to restart my Synthroid, and that helped to finally start getting rid of all that built up water in a serious way. The quality of my voice and blurry vision started improving as well. I was officially allowed to start eating a normal diet again, but had absolutely no appetite whatsoever and couldn't seem to bring myself to consume food. I did, however, return to some much needed supplements: calcium, vitamin C, milk-thistle to help clean out the liver. Still really distended abdomen, but passing gas now. Nothing but gas, but the passing of gas made me feel more comfortable. I had a cup of coffee (I never drink coffee), and a cup of prescription-strength miralax to try and get things moving. Two more cups of "double bagged" caffeinated tea, 7 bottles of water, 2 more cups of ginger/apple cider vinegar drink. Paced around my room, more abdominal massage. Absolutely no appetite whatsoever, so I hadn't eaten a single thing, but didn't realize that until around 4 pm. That's when I decided that I should probably get checked out to see why my bowels weren't moving at all after 3 days. I called the on-call nurse at the Marshfield clinic, and after hearing my story, she told me to go the Emergency Room to get checked out. So I did. Radioactive and all.
My blood pressure was 165/105. It's never been that high before! And I was FREEZING - the nurse brought me three heated blankets, one after the other, and raised the temperature in the room to as high as it could go, yet I was still physically shivering. Peeing was still hard, but successful now. I was expelling fluids and it felt GOOD to see it go! An xray showed that my bowels weren't blocked, just a heck of a lot of gas in there making me uncomfortable. Give it time, I was told. Things will start moving again once the gut calms down. Just irritated by radiation and c-diff, but nothing that shouldn't go away. OK. There's peace of mind in that. Nothing is blocked or compacted, just sitting there patiently. And since that day I was allowed to get off the low-iodine diet, I asked Rob to call in an order for a pizza, and I picked it up on my way home from the hospital. Despite the utter lack of appetite, I ate that pizza and SAVORED EVERY BITE. It was fabulous.
Yesterday was a better day. I continue to drink lots but am able to get rid of the fluids now. It makes me much more comfortable, and I can fully open my eyes again since they're no longer swollen nearly shut. The addition of Synthroid to my life after 7.5 weeks is a good one. I've had a dramatic improvement in my vision, and my mouth isn't nearly as dry any more. My voice is returning to normal. Still very little appetite, but I forced myself to eat some oatmeal for breakfast, a slice of left-over pizza for lunch (still tasted good!) and a slice of whole-wheat bread for dinner. Still trying coffee, prescription strength Miralax, tea, apple juice... anything to see some movement on the south end. I was able to get outside and go for a 40 minute walk which felt SO GOOD AND PROACTIVE!!!! And yet, after four days, still nothing is moving in that regard.
This morning I'm feeling some burning in my kidneys, which makes me a little nervous. Vancomyacin is reportedly hard on kidneys, and mine were already under duress. But I'm not going to dwell on that, just keep flushing with lots of fluid. Woke up in a panic at 5 am, realizing that I forgot to make an appointment with my primary care physician about getting the official "back to work" clearance! I'm planning on returning on Monday, and my doctor is REALLY hard to get in to!!! So that will be the goal for today - get an appointment somehow so I can return to work on Monday. And if things aren't moving by whenever I can get in, I will ask her about that as well. The radiation should be enough weakened by now that I can be in the same room as adults, as long as I stand 3 feet away, if it's less than an hour at a time. We're still being uber-cautious with the kids for the week. I'm staying completely away from them for the full 7 days, which is hard, but we're managing fine (thank you, Face time!)
Rob and the kids have really stepped up to the challenge of an absent mother. They've cleaned the house, and managed meals really nicely. I don't hear fighting or chaos outside my bedroom door! Just lots and lots of piano playing, and frequent phone calls from a little girl who just wants to chit chat and make faces into the phone. Father Ben came over yesterday afternoon, and made the family his famous venison pasty's for dinner. Then, after Rob and he had a sauna and the children were in bed... at nearly midnight.... he said his daily Mass for us. It was beautiful and such a blessing, to have something so sacred in our home. Thank you, Lord, for the gift of Father Ben in our lives as well. We are abundantly blessed.
One thing I just realized just now, among the many, many, many blessings we've received through all of this. I think perhaps the biggest blessing of all, the one that makes everything do-able, is the utter lack of FEAR. There has been discomfort, and frustration, and a fair bit of whining on my part. I have had some concern here and there. But one thing I have not had to deal with, and am truly thankful for, is that I have not been AFRAID. Not since the moment this whole saga started. I have always known, deep in my heart, that this is just a trial to get THROUGH. A tunnel of sorts. But there has always been a light at the end of the tunnel, and we have not, even for a single moment, been left in total darkness. We have felt the hand of God in a zillion ways every. single. day. He has not left us for one second unattended. I can't even begin to express my gratitude for that. He is here, with us, and that is enormously comforting and has been the single reason this family has weathered this storm as we have. Because God has been here, and worked through each of YOU, in ways that we will be forever grateful for.
Phase six starts in 3 days. I am READY FOR NORMALCY. It feels like the clock is ticking in that regard. Come on, body!!! We can do this!! Cooperate, so that we can put all of this behind us!!! Phase six and done!! FINISH LINE IN SIGHT!!
Monday, March 6, 2017
Lenten Discipline Ponderings
Since Ash Wednesday this past week, I've been pondering the practice of Lenten Disciplines. While I was unable to attend our church's Ash Wednesday service due to my current contagion, my family went. And Rob came back on fire! "Did you know," he queried, "that it's not just 'giving something up for lent?' That there's also prayer and almsgiving involved?"
Yes, I knew this. Of course. "But no one does the other two!" says he. "I've never even heard that before! Only giving something up! So, I'm going to make a really concerted effort this year to do all three!"
Good on you, Rob. Good on you! But within a few days, he said "yeah. Giving stuff up is hard. I'm going focus on almsgiving and prayer instead." But his preconceived notion got me to thinking about how many people really do think Lent is all about "giving something up" and nothing else. Or one or the other, like a multiple choice thing. And why Lent is most fruitful when it's all three.
I envision it like this. WE, here on this planet, our sole PURPOSE FOR LIFE (spoiler alert) is to be conduits for God's grace. To be HIM on earth. In a very real, physical sense. To transform our own lives in preparation for being in His presence one day, and to facilitate that transformation in others. Thus the Great Commandment "Love God with all your heart, mind and soul, and love your neighbor as yourself". Bottom line. Salvation of souls, my friend. It's all about salvation - for ourselves and everyone who wishes it. Simple, really, this meaning of life.
In order for that to happen, you need three things: a connection to God, the discipline of spirit over body to assent to the will of God, and then the fortitude to carry out what He wants you to do. In essence... a conduit! Like the electrical cord of a machine, really. So, PRAYER is our connection with the Almighty (the plug-in to the electrical source). FASTING is the insulation on the electrical cord - it gives us the spiritual strength over our frail human bodies to ensure that God's signal travels where it is meant to go. And ALMSGIVING is the "machine", or that electrical impulse transformed into a definitive action on the world. It's all part of the same process, to have a physical, real, concrete output on our physical, real, concrete world, from a spiritual source. "For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, a stranger and you welcomed me, naked and you clothed me, ill and you cared for me, in prison and you visited me." ACTION. The electricity itself, obviously, is all God's grace, working through to animate the whole thing... lest anyone think it's the electrical power cord itself doing the work. That's obviously not the case at all. And that gets in to the whole "faith vs works" argument that I've addressed ad nauseum on this blog, which is such a false argument in and of itself because it's not versus but and, and through... which seems so clear to me it makes me wonder why it's an issue at all any more in the church. But anyways... I digress.
So, one Lenten discipline without the other is good, and definitely a step in the right direction, but very incomplete when the end goal is to BE GOD IN THE WORLD. "…whatever you did for one of the least brothers of mine, you did for me."
Clarity.
ADDENDUM: This was part of my daily reading today, by Paul Thigpen. It's pertains to this musing, so I'm adding it here....
"Throughout Sacred Scripture, we find that when God's people fast, the power of their prayers is increased, especially when they are engaged in spiritual warfare. In the Old Testament, the Lord told Isaiah that a fast properly undertaken would 'loose the bonds of wickedness ... undo the thongs of the yoke ... let the oppressed go free' (Is. 58:6) ... In the New Testament, we find that Jesus fasted for forty days and nights in the wilderness in preparation for His battle with Satan, who came to tempt Him (see Lk 4:1-2) ... If prayer is a spiritual weapon, fasting is the spiritual whetstone on which it is sharpened. It's the spiritual muscle that, when exercised regularly, strengthens the thrust of that weapon to pierce the Enemy and drive him away."
Saturday, March 4, 2017
Quote of the Day
From my new hero and patron saint for 2017, Joan of Arc:
"Act, and God will act. Work, and He will work."
Amen!
St. Joan of Arc, pray for us!!
Friday, March 3, 2017
Phase 5: Commenced, and prayers answered
Phase 5 has commenced without a hitch!!!
Despite our recent snow, and the recurrence of c-diff into my world, and the mad scramble to figure out IF radioiodine could happen, and HOW it could happen without utter misery... today went off without a hitch.
THANK YOU GOOD AND GRACIOUS GOD!!!!! Prayers abundantly answered!!!
Thank you to the brilliant pharmaceutical company that invented that life-saver Imodium AD! Thank you to my husband, who drove me five hours round trip! Thank you, Portage Health, that got lab results back in time for me to start antibiotic treatment in a timely manner! Thank you, Rob's foresight, that thought a camper trailer would be a really great thing for our family to own two years ago, which happened to come in REALLY handy today! Thank you, great earth's atmosphere, for cooperating with sunny skies and clear roads! And thank you even to my body, which has been in revolt for 9 long weeks, but which actually decided today to cooperate by feeling just fine to make the trip.
And thank you too, all you friends and family, for praying on my behalf. GOD ANSWERS PRAYERS, and we couldn't have asked for today to go off any better!!! I was a tad worried there this morning, when we received news that the kids' bus was running 45 minutes late (and we were planning on leaving right after their normal departure time), but we made it to the hospital with 15 minutes to spare, so PERFECT TIMING!
All easy-peasey, lemon squeezy. And so, here I sit in my "spa getaway" bedroom, recently showered, sucking on lemon drops and guzzling water, feeling better than I have a in a good long while, feeling just incredibly hopeful and thankful that all went well, and will continue to go well, and I SEE AN END IN SIGHT!!!
THIS IS HOW IT WAS INTENDED TO GO, and.... guess what?? IT DID!!! WOW!
Gratitude and hope. Those are dang good feelings.
Despite our recent snow, and the recurrence of c-diff into my world, and the mad scramble to figure out IF radioiodine could happen, and HOW it could happen without utter misery... today went off without a hitch.
THANK YOU GOOD AND GRACIOUS GOD!!!!! Prayers abundantly answered!!!
Thank you to the brilliant pharmaceutical company that invented that life-saver Imodium AD! Thank you to my husband, who drove me five hours round trip! Thank you, Portage Health, that got lab results back in time for me to start antibiotic treatment in a timely manner! Thank you, Rob's foresight, that thought a camper trailer would be a really great thing for our family to own two years ago, which happened to come in REALLY handy today! Thank you, great earth's atmosphere, for cooperating with sunny skies and clear roads! And thank you even to my body, which has been in revolt for 9 long weeks, but which actually decided today to cooperate by feeling just fine to make the trip.
And thank you too, all you friends and family, for praying on my behalf. GOD ANSWERS PRAYERS, and we couldn't have asked for today to go off any better!!! I was a tad worried there this morning, when we received news that the kids' bus was running 45 minutes late (and we were planning on leaving right after their normal departure time), but we made it to the hospital with 15 minutes to spare, so PERFECT TIMING!
All easy-peasey, lemon squeezy. And so, here I sit in my "spa getaway" bedroom, recently showered, sucking on lemon drops and guzzling water, feeling better than I have a in a good long while, feeling just incredibly hopeful and thankful that all went well, and will continue to go well, and I SEE AN END IN SIGHT!!!
THIS IS HOW IT WAS INTENDED TO GO, and.... guess what?? IT DID!!! WOW!
Gratitude and hope. Those are dang good feelings.
Wednesday, March 1, 2017
Clarity about the Human Body and it's purposes.
I didn't write this. But I've been pondering this a lot lately, and then stumbled across THIS, which put into words the exact thing I'd been pondering. Rather than rehashing the whole thing myself, I will place it here. And someday try to transmit these basic, clear truths to my children, as they go out into this vast world that has lost it's mooring.
From the website "Public Discourse", by Daniel Moody.
"It has taken mankind less than one hundred years to make the journey from an embrace of contraception to an embrace of “gender fluidity,” but the link between the two is not always obvious.
To make their connection more apparent, let us consider the following analogy.
John is snuggled up on his sofa watching television. In front of him he can see moving pictures accompanied by matching sound. The presence of the pictures and sound explains why the TV is made of the materials it is, why it is the size it is, why there is a volume button, and so on. Everything about the TV makes sense. Now, let us suppose John places a layer of insulating material between plug and socket. With the flow of electricity thwarted, no pictures can be seen and no sound can be heard.
If John curls up on his sofa again and regards this picture-less version of watching TV to be valid, then we can confront him with some questions: why is the TV constructed from those materials rather than, say, sugar? why is the TV that size rather than the size of a sugar cube? and why is there a volume button?
Will John be able to supply credible answers to our questions? No. Having accepted that the flow of electricity is irrelevant to the television’s nature, he will be powerless to defend the TV’s substance, size, and so on. In short, absent the flow of electricity, nothing about the TV makes sense. John may as well snuggle up in front of a cushion from the sofa.
To transfer the analogy to contraception, we first need to recognize that the human body points in two directions. Firstly, at the level of the individual, each of us as male or female points toward another sex. (That is: independent of what we are thinking or doing, the body itself is being heterosexual.) Secondly, at the level of a sexual union, male and female point through each other, not toward another sex but toward another time: the future. Sexual difference points toward the possibility of new life. When we add in the fact that “sex” is the word by which we signify the nature of the whole of the body rather than a part or parts of it, we can say everything about being male or female makes sense.
But what happens when a layer of insulating material is placed between John and his wife, Joan? Well, if John regards this baby-less version of sexual union to be valid, then we have a couple of questions for him. Why does his wife need to be female? And why does he need to be male? Through a combination of time and the sheer weight of logic, John’s understanding of himself starts to disintegrate. If he thinks his body has nothing to do with the future, he will eventually need to accept that it has nothing to do with the other sex either.
This acceptance comes at an extortionate price. If John believes that his own sex is irrelevant to the sexual act he is performing, then he must embrace a second belief: namely, that his sex is irrelevant in all contexts. If a thing is deemed meaningless within the very context that defines its purpose, then that thing cannot be said to have any purpose at all. We are made of sex, so if the maleness of John has no meaning, then John has no meaning. This is the only logical conclusion available to him. Absent the flow of life, nothing about the body makes sense.
In placing a barrier between male and female, we also place a barrier between body and mind, with the mind no longer able to see that it is the mind of somebody who has meaning. Contraception starves the mind of ontology.
To be clear, the claim here is not that rendering the body meaningless is what makes contraception wrong. Rather, the point is that the deleterious nature of this logical effect is proof positive that the effect’s cause is also deleterious. But this is only the beginning of our journey.
From Contraception to Abortion
Upon losing sight of the fact that our embodiedness is inextricably tied both to relational identity and generations past and future, we must proceed to lose sight of two more things. Firstly, John needs to turn his back on the idea that there exists any objective reference point for sexual morality. Why? Because, in truth, marriage is the sexual right by which sexual wrongs can be known. If the use of contraception is not wrong, then an openness to new life is not right, and if marriage is not the right context for sex, then there is no right context—and, therefore, no wrong one. (Hence today’s insistence that the presence of consent is the only criterion for making a sexual act morally valid. The desire to do X justifies doing X.)
Secondly, John must abandon all possibility of locating meaningfulness in anything that flows out of the nature of the body. Meaninglessness cannot give birth to meaningfulness any more than starvation can give birth to a full stomach. If we have inwardly hidden the truth about our body, we must then destroy all external evidence of that truth. Our embrace of contraception compels us to hide the consequences of being made male and female. We must hide our babies.
The Legalization of Abortion and the End of Legal Sex
It is obvious to some, if not to all, that the legalization of abortion played a prominent part in unleashing many of the social ills prevalent today—cohabitation, a rise in sexual violence, and so forth. But just as a physical act brings about a physical effect, so too a legal act—an act of law—brings about a legal effect. Running parallel to the all-too-obvious effect of a physical act of abortion is a less obvious legal effect caused by its decriminalization. What is this legal effect?
This can be tricky terrain to negotiate, so let us break down the answer into three stages. The first stage is to remind ourselves of the relationship between personhood and sex. While it is not true that every human person is, say, male, it is true that every human male is a person—as is every human female. It follows that while there are two ways of being sexed, we can be a human person in only one way, which is to be embodied. Sex and human personhood are inseparable.
Now stage two. The state cannot suppose some persons (those in the womb) not to be persons and continue to recognize natural personhood in law. Here is why. If the state supposes that the child who is presently in the womb is not a natural person, then it also needs to suppose that I was not a natural person when, years ago, I too was a child in the womb. Either the child in the womb is a natural person and I am too, or the child in the womb is not and I am not either. Certainly, I cannot have become a natural person at some point during my own lifetime! Expressed another way, it is not possible to legally deny the natural personhood of the child in the womb only, as each of us once was that child. The state needs to come down on the side of either everybody or nobody, and through abortion laws the state decides not to pledge allegiance to everybody.
Stage three brings together stages one and two, thereby revealing the not-so-obvious legal effect of abortion. If abortion cannot be legalized while leaving intact a legal recognition of natural personhood, then a legal recognition of sex cannot survive abortion laws either, since to deny natural human personhood is to deny natural embodied personhood. The two are the same thing.
Where does this leave us? It leaves us realizing that the devil is in the detail. Signing up for legal permission to be free from the natural consequences of being sexed translates to signing away any access to legal recognition of who we naturally are. When abortion entered law, sex exited.
Thus, we arrive at our final stop: gender identity.
Gender Identity and Tyranny
If we limit the number of components in play to two—contraception and sexual morality—we can say the link between the components has been enunciated many times, perhaps most famously by Elizabeth Anscombe. Anscombe joined the dots from contraception to “gay marriage” quick as a flash—too quickly for some to follow her line of reasoning. More recently, Charles Rice added two more components: law and tyranny. In what sadly proved to be his final book, Contraception & Persecution, Rice perceptively draws attention to what we might call “the ownership of law.” He asks, if God is no longer considered to be in the business of making laws, then who is? From the state’s point of view, the answer is, well, the state.
Rice explains the link between contraception and tyranny in terms of the government filling a moral vacuum created by the acceptance of contraception. While I agree with his assessment, a second explanation is available to us if we add a fifth and final component to the mix, which is identity.
As is the case with law, the concept of human identity is a natural monopoly. It cannot have more than one owner, or else we human persons would have nothing in common with one another. If we suppose God no longer owns the patent for law, then—as Rice notes—ownership must have transferred fully to the state. The same must be true of the patent for human identity. Laws govern persons, and persons are subject to laws, so whoever owns either of the patents must in fact own both.
In requiring sex to vanish from law, abortion represents a paradigm shift in human identity: out with the old, given sexual identities of male and female, and in with the new, chosen “gender identities” of “male,” “female,” both, neither, and other. The problem with this claimed state takeover, of course, is that when we close our eyes, the world does not disappear. It just disappears from our view. The state cannot own human identity, since sexual difference is prior to the state—not to mention a precondition for the state’s existence. Yes, law can close its eyes to our embodiedness, but it cannot make our body disappear. The most the state can manage is to order us to mentally uninvent ourselves.
Without doubt, “transgender rights” are the manifestation of the tyranny produced by a claimed transfer of ownership of identity from God to the state; a deal, I submit, silently brokered by the legalization of abortion. The National Director of Priests for Life, Fr. Frank Pavone, famously stated that America will not reject abortion until America sees abortion. What I am trying to illuminate is that we are indeed seeing abortion but are doing so without realizing abortion is what is being seen. Within a legal atmosphere that denies the link between identity and givenness, we see the lawlessness of abortion at work whenever a girl is forced to shower alongside a male, whenever somebody is fined for using the right third-person pronoun, and whenever somebody is permitted to have his or her body mutilated to make it “fit” his or her mind.
Gender identity is a barrier placed between our natural identity and our legal identity. More accurately, it is a filter that prevents the truth of our body from entering law, allowing only our mind to pass through. What is that, if not the legal outworking of contraception?
So it is that the New Gnosticism is less a consciously chosen worldview and more a collective hallucination experienced by a society high on contraception. Unable to see our given identity, we become unable to fend off otherwise unbelievable ideas. Is it any wonder that a desire to be protected from the meaning of our body has led only to a need to be protected from the ravages of reality? “Safe spaces” are the offspring of “safe sex.”
The task of recovering and sustaining God-centric law will be difficult if the conversation is to take place in the presence of an affirmation of the thwarting of the flow of new life. If we truly wish to see our body again, shining bright both in our mind and in law, we must break free of the shackles of contraception. Men and women of the world, sexually unite! You have nothing to lose but your chains."
Daniel Moody is an independent philosopher specializing in the ideology named Gender. He lives in Dorset, England, blogs at gentlemind.blogspot.co.uk and is the author of The Flesh Made Word.
From the website "Public Discourse", by Daniel Moody.
"It has taken mankind less than one hundred years to make the journey from an embrace of contraception to an embrace of “gender fluidity,” but the link between the two is not always obvious.
To make their connection more apparent, let us consider the following analogy.
John is snuggled up on his sofa watching television. In front of him he can see moving pictures accompanied by matching sound. The presence of the pictures and sound explains why the TV is made of the materials it is, why it is the size it is, why there is a volume button, and so on. Everything about the TV makes sense. Now, let us suppose John places a layer of insulating material between plug and socket. With the flow of electricity thwarted, no pictures can be seen and no sound can be heard.
If John curls up on his sofa again and regards this picture-less version of watching TV to be valid, then we can confront him with some questions: why is the TV constructed from those materials rather than, say, sugar? why is the TV that size rather than the size of a sugar cube? and why is there a volume button?
Will John be able to supply credible answers to our questions? No. Having accepted that the flow of electricity is irrelevant to the television’s nature, he will be powerless to defend the TV’s substance, size, and so on. In short, absent the flow of electricity, nothing about the TV makes sense. John may as well snuggle up in front of a cushion from the sofa.
To transfer the analogy to contraception, we first need to recognize that the human body points in two directions. Firstly, at the level of the individual, each of us as male or female points toward another sex. (That is: independent of what we are thinking or doing, the body itself is being heterosexual.) Secondly, at the level of a sexual union, male and female point through each other, not toward another sex but toward another time: the future. Sexual difference points toward the possibility of new life. When we add in the fact that “sex” is the word by which we signify the nature of the whole of the body rather than a part or parts of it, we can say everything about being male or female makes sense.
But what happens when a layer of insulating material is placed between John and his wife, Joan? Well, if John regards this baby-less version of sexual union to be valid, then we have a couple of questions for him. Why does his wife need to be female? And why does he need to be male? Through a combination of time and the sheer weight of logic, John’s understanding of himself starts to disintegrate. If he thinks his body has nothing to do with the future, he will eventually need to accept that it has nothing to do with the other sex either.
This acceptance comes at an extortionate price. If John believes that his own sex is irrelevant to the sexual act he is performing, then he must embrace a second belief: namely, that his sex is irrelevant in all contexts. If a thing is deemed meaningless within the very context that defines its purpose, then that thing cannot be said to have any purpose at all. We are made of sex, so if the maleness of John has no meaning, then John has no meaning. This is the only logical conclusion available to him. Absent the flow of life, nothing about the body makes sense.
In placing a barrier between male and female, we also place a barrier between body and mind, with the mind no longer able to see that it is the mind of somebody who has meaning. Contraception starves the mind of ontology.
To be clear, the claim here is not that rendering the body meaningless is what makes contraception wrong. Rather, the point is that the deleterious nature of this logical effect is proof positive that the effect’s cause is also deleterious. But this is only the beginning of our journey.
From Contraception to Abortion
Upon losing sight of the fact that our embodiedness is inextricably tied both to relational identity and generations past and future, we must proceed to lose sight of two more things. Firstly, John needs to turn his back on the idea that there exists any objective reference point for sexual morality. Why? Because, in truth, marriage is the sexual right by which sexual wrongs can be known. If the use of contraception is not wrong, then an openness to new life is not right, and if marriage is not the right context for sex, then there is no right context—and, therefore, no wrong one. (Hence today’s insistence that the presence of consent is the only criterion for making a sexual act morally valid. The desire to do X justifies doing X.)
Secondly, John must abandon all possibility of locating meaningfulness in anything that flows out of the nature of the body. Meaninglessness cannot give birth to meaningfulness any more than starvation can give birth to a full stomach. If we have inwardly hidden the truth about our body, we must then destroy all external evidence of that truth. Our embrace of contraception compels us to hide the consequences of being made male and female. We must hide our babies.
The Legalization of Abortion and the End of Legal Sex
It is obvious to some, if not to all, that the legalization of abortion played a prominent part in unleashing many of the social ills prevalent today—cohabitation, a rise in sexual violence, and so forth. But just as a physical act brings about a physical effect, so too a legal act—an act of law—brings about a legal effect. Running parallel to the all-too-obvious effect of a physical act of abortion is a less obvious legal effect caused by its decriminalization. What is this legal effect?
This can be tricky terrain to negotiate, so let us break down the answer into three stages. The first stage is to remind ourselves of the relationship between personhood and sex. While it is not true that every human person is, say, male, it is true that every human male is a person—as is every human female. It follows that while there are two ways of being sexed, we can be a human person in only one way, which is to be embodied. Sex and human personhood are inseparable.
Now stage two. The state cannot suppose some persons (those in the womb) not to be persons and continue to recognize natural personhood in law. Here is why. If the state supposes that the child who is presently in the womb is not a natural person, then it also needs to suppose that I was not a natural person when, years ago, I too was a child in the womb. Either the child in the womb is a natural person and I am too, or the child in the womb is not and I am not either. Certainly, I cannot have become a natural person at some point during my own lifetime! Expressed another way, it is not possible to legally deny the natural personhood of the child in the womb only, as each of us once was that child. The state needs to come down on the side of either everybody or nobody, and through abortion laws the state decides not to pledge allegiance to everybody.
Stage three brings together stages one and two, thereby revealing the not-so-obvious legal effect of abortion. If abortion cannot be legalized while leaving intact a legal recognition of natural personhood, then a legal recognition of sex cannot survive abortion laws either, since to deny natural human personhood is to deny natural embodied personhood. The two are the same thing.
Where does this leave us? It leaves us realizing that the devil is in the detail. Signing up for legal permission to be free from the natural consequences of being sexed translates to signing away any access to legal recognition of who we naturally are. When abortion entered law, sex exited.
Thus, we arrive at our final stop: gender identity.
Gender Identity and Tyranny
If we limit the number of components in play to two—contraception and sexual morality—we can say the link between the components has been enunciated many times, perhaps most famously by Elizabeth Anscombe. Anscombe joined the dots from contraception to “gay marriage” quick as a flash—too quickly for some to follow her line of reasoning. More recently, Charles Rice added two more components: law and tyranny. In what sadly proved to be his final book, Contraception & Persecution, Rice perceptively draws attention to what we might call “the ownership of law.” He asks, if God is no longer considered to be in the business of making laws, then who is? From the state’s point of view, the answer is, well, the state.
Rice explains the link between contraception and tyranny in terms of the government filling a moral vacuum created by the acceptance of contraception. While I agree with his assessment, a second explanation is available to us if we add a fifth and final component to the mix, which is identity.
As is the case with law, the concept of human identity is a natural monopoly. It cannot have more than one owner, or else we human persons would have nothing in common with one another. If we suppose God no longer owns the patent for law, then—as Rice notes—ownership must have transferred fully to the state. The same must be true of the patent for human identity. Laws govern persons, and persons are subject to laws, so whoever owns either of the patents must in fact own both.
In requiring sex to vanish from law, abortion represents a paradigm shift in human identity: out with the old, given sexual identities of male and female, and in with the new, chosen “gender identities” of “male,” “female,” both, neither, and other. The problem with this claimed state takeover, of course, is that when we close our eyes, the world does not disappear. It just disappears from our view. The state cannot own human identity, since sexual difference is prior to the state—not to mention a precondition for the state’s existence. Yes, law can close its eyes to our embodiedness, but it cannot make our body disappear. The most the state can manage is to order us to mentally uninvent ourselves.
Without doubt, “transgender rights” are the manifestation of the tyranny produced by a claimed transfer of ownership of identity from God to the state; a deal, I submit, silently brokered by the legalization of abortion. The National Director of Priests for Life, Fr. Frank Pavone, famously stated that America will not reject abortion until America sees abortion. What I am trying to illuminate is that we are indeed seeing abortion but are doing so without realizing abortion is what is being seen. Within a legal atmosphere that denies the link between identity and givenness, we see the lawlessness of abortion at work whenever a girl is forced to shower alongside a male, whenever somebody is fined for using the right third-person pronoun, and whenever somebody is permitted to have his or her body mutilated to make it “fit” his or her mind.
Gender identity is a barrier placed between our natural identity and our legal identity. More accurately, it is a filter that prevents the truth of our body from entering law, allowing only our mind to pass through. What is that, if not the legal outworking of contraception?
So it is that the New Gnosticism is less a consciously chosen worldview and more a collective hallucination experienced by a society high on contraception. Unable to see our given identity, we become unable to fend off otherwise unbelievable ideas. Is it any wonder that a desire to be protected from the meaning of our body has led only to a need to be protected from the ravages of reality? “Safe spaces” are the offspring of “safe sex.”
The task of recovering and sustaining God-centric law will be difficult if the conversation is to take place in the presence of an affirmation of the thwarting of the flow of new life. If we truly wish to see our body again, shining bright both in our mind and in law, we must break free of the shackles of contraception. Men and women of the world, sexually unite! You have nothing to lose but your chains."
Daniel Moody is an independent philosopher specializing in the ideology named Gender. He lives in Dorset, England, blogs at gentlemind.blogspot.co.uk and is the author of The Flesh Made Word.
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