Mental Games

I'm getting really good at "forgetting" that I have cancer.  I am able to put it out of my mind and focus on daily life very well, until I'm forced to think about it again by the intrusion of tests and doctors appointments.  In that way, I am very lucky, because I feel relatively ok.  A lot of people aren't that blessed to be ABLE to put it out of their mind.  Getting hormones regulated seems to be the biggest challenge in my world, and we're in that process again - my ovaries apparently weren't out for the count, only "in shock" from radiation, and are starting to come back.  This is good news, but means that hormones are all over the place again, after being well-regulated for several months.  Adjustments are hard.

Yesterday I went back for more blood tests and a neck ultrasound.  No big deal, I wasn't worried.  But then, the ultrasound that normally takes 10 minutes or so took 45 minutes, with the tech switching transducers half way in between "to get a better look".  And then afterwards, with a serious look on her face, she said "please go wait in the waiting room, but don't leave.  I'm going to talk to the radiologist about this, to see if he wants to do any more tests before you leave."

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN???  When my whole body scan took 3 hours instead of the 45 minutes it was supposed to take last March, it meant that he had found significant uptake in places in my neck that were not supposed to have uptake.  When he asked to do an extra CT scan back then, he was looking to see if the cancer had spread to my bones.  So when this ultrasound runs long, and the tech has to talk to the radiologist before I leave... it does not bode well.  And that freaks me out.

This, coupled with rising TG levels that never DID get to zero, make me realize that RAI probably didn't COMPLETELY work, and that I have persistent cancer, but I wish the doctor would just come out and SAY IT ALREADY.  I wish he'd be blunt with me, instead of trying to make me feel better.  I much prefer that.  I meet with him on Monday in person.  We'll see if I'm brave enough to force him to say the words outloud.  

Such a mental game.  I'm trying to not jump to conclusions, but the evidence certainly seems to point in a very specific direction that the doctor will not admit openly to me.  I'm not stupid, and I'm not paranoid.  Please.  Just SAY IT.  Because I need to know if what I think is going on is actually going on.

I will try not to jump to conclusions until I meet with him on Monday and get the test results.  In the mean time, though, I continue to try not to dwell on things.  If any of you are praying people, I'd appreciate your prayers to help me in that endeavor.  TRUST.  I need some.