A Conversation with My Spouse

 

"Help me to journey beyond the familiar and into the unknown. Give me the faith to leave old ways and break fresh ground with You."
— St. Brendan

Rob and I were sitting together on the back porch, soaking up the spring sun, watching the kids play some kind of baseball/football/karate/sword-fighting game.  It felt good to be outside, in warmth, and see green grass, budding trees, and daffodils.  Winter is behind us. 

"You know," my husband said.  "I was really crabby and irritable this morning."  Uh, yeah.  I noticed.  But I didn't need to agree out loud.

"And I was in such a bad mood, I didn't want to go to church today.  But then I thought  'who am I hurting by doing that?  Only myself.'"  That is totally true, and I said so. 

"But every stinking time I go to St. Anne's, I am totally overwhelmed.  I end up in tears, and am so moved by the whole thing, feeling God so present.  It's embarrassing that I cry every time."

"That's the Holy Spirit, Rob.  He's calling to you."

"Really?  How do I know it's not just my mind playing tricks on me?"

"Are you seeking an emotional experience?  Are you anticipating it, and expecting it to happen?"  I asked.

"Heck no.  Just the opposite.  I keep waiting for it all to get old hat, but it never does!  And I look around and wonder - is everyone feeling this here?  Is everyone being swept away by the sheer magnitude of it?  Because I feel like I'm seeing a little bit of heaven every week.  The church bells ring when the Eucharist is consecrated, and I get chills.  That's the second.  The second it happens.  The bells are telling everyone."

"I feel it, Rob.  It's thick with it.  And it surprises me every time, too."

"And then I get this feeling like I want to share it with EVERYONE.  Like shout it from the roof tops.  HEY EVERYONE!!  Do you have any idea what you're missing???  But I'm so afraid that it's going to be taken the wrong way.  Like if I tell people, they're going to feel like I'm judging them, and telling them they're wrong.  It's not that.  I just want everyone to know what they're missing!  The fullness of it all."

"So, that's the Holy Spirit, Rob."

"Are you sure?  Because I keep wondering.  Is it the music?  Is it the homily?  Is it the bells and whistles that get me?   My brain keeps asking these questions, because this is just not like me. " 

I know this.  My rational, logical, largely un-emotional husband weeps during mass.  Every week.  And it scares him to death, to not be in control of himself.   

"How do I know this is the Holy Spirit, and not my brain playing tricks on me?  I mean, every church out there says they can 'feel the spirit'.  How do I know this is really it?"

"Rob," I reply.  "You know."

And he does.     

He's not responding to grandiose music, and fancy speeches.  He's not being manipulated into feeling a certain way.  My husband is being swept away by beauty.  By reverence.   By humility.  And by Truth.  And that is GOD.  Present and available to us here, in our out-of-the-way corner of earth. 




 

Meditation of the Day, Lewis-style

"There is no good trying to be more spiritual than God. God never meant man to be a purely spiritual creature. That is why He uses material things like bread and wine to put the new life into us. We may think this rather crude and unspiritual. God does not: He invented eating. He likes matter. He invented it."
C.S. Lewis

In His Own Words: Rob's Conversion Story

Reflections on my Religious Conversion for Colby, Quinn and Reagan 

It’s Holy Week 2015 and come this Saturday during Easter Vigil I will be converting my faith from a life-long 45 year Missouri Synod Lutheran Protestant to a Roman Catholic. Your mother says I should write my “testimony” down before it’s lost forever and I tend to agree, having fallen square into middle age this year. By the time you read this, in all honesty, I’ll probably be long gone. This story will be embedded in one of dozens of family “blog books” your mother has written, which probably won’t be looked at by you guys until one day you get a little sentimental about your early family life. My hope is that this story may be of use to each of you someday as you each grow and struggle with your spiritual faith.

 

So my story begins in the Rocky Mountains of Montana. I had flown my home-built experimental airplane into Meadow Creek Airstrip in the Bob Marshall Wilderness in July of 2014. This awe-inspiring place has always had special meaning to me. I continually yearn for the rugged solitude and mountain cathedrals here. I had flown-in a book your mother had given me to read on the life of Saint Padre Pio, a Capuchin monk from Italy. She thought his story would resonate with me, so I began to read it each morning over coffee. 

As it turns out, instead of spending the whole day fly-fishing, I yearned to return and keep reading. I learned about a selfless human being and was struck by his absolute incredulous love for his God. He performed miracles and healings, but one small thing stuck with me. People from all over the world came to him for confession, and asked for forgiveness of sins, even some nonbelievers. I remember, through his ability to read human hearts, he denied absolution of sins to some. This affected me; more on this later.  Over the course of several days I began to feel like Moses at the Burning Bush. I found myself talking and weeping out loud to both God and Pio, as they were right there with me. 

 

Six months later, we went to a mass at St. Ignatius (our family had been alternating mass and Lutheran worship since Reagan had been born). What happened during this Mass was pivotal. A prominent catholic fellow in our pew decided not go up for Eucharist this particular day, so I asked your mother why? She said he probably had forgotten to fast, or committed a severe sin of some sort and did not feel “right with God” to commune. I was confused, because as a Lutheran, during the liturgy each week we confessed our individual sins within our hearts and the Pastor then absolved aloud everyone of ALL sin and we then communed. 

So I decided to investigate what she meant, and discovered that the Church teaches there are two types of sin for a Christian: mortal and venial. At first I was offended that the Church went so far as to itemize and classify all of types of sin. I was further offended to read that mortal sin severs one’s relationship with God and that, unless confessed to a priest, one would be damned to hell. Seriously? However, once I understood that the basis of mortal sin was the Ten Commandments, I knew the Church did not make this stuff up. I then went to the Missouri Synod doctrine website to see what their position was on absolution of sin. Like expected, sin was not qualified, and blanket absolution was given to all parishioners during the liturgy. The option did exist, however, for confession to a Pastor, although I had never heard of that being done (I was a church elder for six years). 

I then went to scripture.   Jesus said in John 20:23: "Then he breathed on them and said, 'Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive people’s sins, they are forgiven; if you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven.'” This verse single-handedly proved to me that private confession of sins to a Pastor is essential. Sin cannot be forgiven, unless it is first confessed to someone. I then began to wonder how many of my past sins had truly been forgiven. I also began to question the authority of my Lutheran Pastor to even grant me absolution should I approach him for private confession, as I came upon another pivotal verse where Jesus speaks. Matthew 16:18: “And so I tell you Peter: you are a rock and on this rock foundation I will build my Church, and not even death will ever be able to overcome it. I will give you the keys of the Kingdom of Heaven, and what you permit on earth will be permitted in heaven.” 

Next thing I know, I tell your mother that I think I would like to talk to a Catholic priest to see if he would hear my confession of sin in return for absolution. Lent was approaching and I felt a need for a “clean slate” going forward to Easter. I had recalled Jesus and Pio forgiving the sins of anyone who was heartily sorry for them; why not me? So your mother says "you should hear this new priest Father Ben Haase in Chassell; on several occasions he has spoken directly to people and their hearts during the homily". We did and she was spot-on. His entire homily was about the Sacrament of Reconciliation and how people are missing out on this wonderful gift of grace from God. He specifically mentioned that confession in the heart does not work. God still sees sin in your soul like a dog trying to bury a bone on the living room carpet. I then absolutely knew I wanted this sacramental gift, so later I went and met with him.

 Upon my asking for absolution this Lenten season, you know what he said? "No way! Come join our family and enjoy all seven sacramental gifts!" Ugh. So he gave me some Catholic propaganda (including some Scott Hahn material; a Presbyterian minister convert) and I went to work the following day. Surprisingly, I thoughtfully looked at the position of the Church on all of the issues and realized, Jeez, I’m there. What’s holding me back? So I then knew all that remained for me was to address the two pillars of Luther’s Protestantism: Sola Fide (faith alone) and Sola Scriptura (scripture alone).

 Sola Scriptura: The bible, as we know it, was not pulled together until about 400 AD. Dozens of apostles and disciples (the early Church-“Catholic”-fathers), painstakingly vetted all of the Letters, Gospels, etc. into what all Christians now accept as the modern day bible. I had never thought about where the bible had actually come from; in my mind it was like Jesus magically handed the Apostles the New Testament and said run with it to all corners of the world! I was amazed at all of the different councils held to maintain this “deposit of faith” so that it adheres as close as possible to Jesus’ original teachings. This resonated well within my logical mind. I wanted to be part of a Church whose teachings were distilled down to the essence of what Jesus originally wished to convey. It became clear to me which church had the authority now. Today we have seen the direct result of people trying to interpret the bible on their own: thousands of Protestant faiths. It is essential to have modern day authority to interpret the bible for us. The Church has done this for several thousand years and none of the teachings have changed! Good stuff. One pillar gone. 

Sola Fide: This one I sort of flushed out early on. Luther claimed that faith in Jesus alone will pave the way to eternal life. I always believed, prayed and felt I had a personal relationship with Jesus. No doubt. I’ve always been told that that was all that was required for salvation. But this past year, I felt like something was missing. I was proclaiming a faith but realized I was not living the faith. Like the old saying goes, even demons believe in Jesus. It was profound to see in black and white what God’s expectations are (mortal sin=10 commandments) and a road map of expectations to live by. I needed that and suspect most people do. Sola Fide is like performing a job with no mentoring and expectations for success. Second pillar gone. 

Over the years, I’ve always been fond of a back-door approach to witnessing validation of which Christian religion has true divine authority. How? Watch what the Evil One does and who he goes after. What is one of the greatest events for a satanist? The black Mass. And what do they do? Attempt to steal the host from Catholic tabernacles. Why? Because they know it is the actual body of Christ and want to use it to mock Jesus. Also, who do people call when they want an exorcism? A Catholic priest. Who does our culture, including some Fundamentalist Protestants, vilify with abject hatred more than anyone else? The Church, in spite of being the biggest advocate for life and moral decency. It’s mind blowing how hated the Church is, even over militant Islam. As I write this, ISIS is systematically going through the Middle East like jackals and raping, beheading, burning alive, throwing Christians, women, and homosexuals off buildings unless they convert to Islam. Yet in our culture, Christians are the bigoted barbarians. I digress. There’s a reason why the Church is so hated: it is indeed the bride of Christ with His authority. The devil has also been successful in dividing up the Church beginning with Martin Luther and continues to do so.
 

Yes, the Church has had its share of scandal through the ages and Martin Luther was right that the Church needed reform to mitigate abuses (e.g. indulgences sought by the church to fund projects). However, reforming the Church should not have meant changing original doctrine. Most fundamentalists solely hang their hat on condemning the Church for these abuses, and I was one of them at one time. But what I’ve come to realize, is that once I admitted and recognized the anti-catholic bias woven into me, and sought only the truth, I recognized that the Catholic popes, deacons and priests are all fallible, sinful guys like us. And you know what? The teachings have remained unchanged for several thousand years and the Church continues to thrive and endure (1.2 billion Catholics and counting) like Jesus promised to Peter when he instructed him to build his church and handed over the keys to heaven. 

 

So this Saturday, I will receive the Holy Spirit directly from a priest laying his hands on me, who has had hands laid on him all the way back to Peter (Apostolic Succession) and will share in the feast of Eucharist united for the first time with my beloved family and newly adopted Church family. I have become part of the Fellowship of the Unashamed.

 And if I have passed to the other side, know that I’m surrounded by Jesus, Pio and all the Saints gone before me. We are all here praying for you each and every day and await your triumphant and joyous arrival! I love you Colby, Quinn and Reagan!

 

 

 

 THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE UNASHAMED .
 I AM A PART of the Fellowship of the Unashamed.
 The die has been cast. The decision has been made. I have stepped over the line.
 I won't look back, let up, slow down, back away or be still.
My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, and my future is in God's hands.
 I am finished and done with low living, sight walking, small planning, the bare minimum, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, mundane talking, frivolous living, selfish giving, and dwarfed goals.
 I no longer need preeminence, prosperity, position, promotions, applause, or popularity.
 I don't have to be right, first, the best, recognized, praised, regarded, or rewarded.
 I now live by faith. I lean on Christ's presence. I love with patience, live by prayer, and labor with the power of God's grace.
 My face is set. My gait is fast, my goal is heaven.
 My road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions are few, my Guide is reliable, and my mission is clear.
 I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, deluded, or delayed.
 I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of adversity, negotiate at the table of the enemy, ponder at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity.
 I won’t give up, shut up, let up or slow up until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up, paid up, and spoken up for the cause of Christ.
 I am a disciple of Jesus. I must go till He comes, give until I drop, speak out until all know, and work until He stops me.
 And when He returns for His own, He will have no difficulty recognizing me.
My banner is clear: I am a part of the Fellowship of the Unashamed.

Adapted from the original (author unknown) by Patrick Madrid

 

 

 

 

A Seed - A Message for Holy Saturday by Father Barron

What is the message that Jesus has for the world? At first he seems to confirm his followers' hopes: "The hour has come for the Son of man to be glorified." Great! Finally, after putting things off for so long, he is ready; the moment has come.

 

But then he clarifies: "I solemnly assure you, unless the grain of wheat falls to the earth and dies, it remains just a grain of wheat, but if it dies it produces much fruit." Believe me, this is not what his followers wanted to hear.

 

The Jews had had more than enough experience with death. They had lived under oppression for centuries and their glory days were long ago. The Roman boot was pressing down upon them. Those who would endeavor to throw it off were imprisoned or killed. And now this one, upon whom they had pinned their hopes, at the high point of his life, is speaking of falling to the earth and dying.

 

Then it gets stranger: "The man who loves his life loses it, while the man who hates his life in this world, preserves it to life eternal." Come again?!

 

To understand what all this means, we should go back to the great image that Jesus uses, the grain of wheat that falls to the earth. A seed, resting by itself, can exist for a long time. In fact, they have found seeds in the tombs of the Pharaohs and seeds in fossil remains. But unless they fall into the soil and crack open, nothing further comes of them. Their life is inside, yes, but it's a life that grows by being given away and mixing with the soil around it. It has to crack open and be destroyed. But even after a very long time, a seed can grow into a flourishing plant. The oldest seed that has grown into a viable plant was a 2000-year-old date palm seed from excavations at Herod the Great's palace on Masada in Israel. It was germinated in 2005.

 

When you look at a great tree or a plant, you see none of the original seed, and yet you see life. The same is true of the cross. When Christians look at the cross, we no longer see death, but eternal life.

On Symbols and Sacraments

It is Holy Week, and the Spirit is moving in this house more than ever this year.  It is an awe-inspiring thing, and we are humbled.  As part of our preparation for Easter, we had a Seder meal with good friends of ours.  It was lovely, and reverent, and moving.  Just perfect.  And it led to a discussion afterwards about the difference between symbols and sacraments.  Which, of course, got me thinking.

A sacrament is an outward sign of an invisible grace.  This means that physical, concrete, "things we can perceive with our senses" symbolize something that is happening on a spiritual realm.  Because, after all, we are physical, concrete things that experience reality through our senses.  So something we see, touch, taste, hear, smell  here in this world, reveals and facilitates the blessing and grace of something that we can't see, touch, taste, hear, or smell.  We receive God's grace, His POWER, through physical things.  Not through the power of those physical things themselves, but through the power of God.  Because that's how He designed us to experience reality, and knows what we need.  

As we did our Seder, I began to see the difference, then between the symbol and the sacrament.  We broke bread, passed it, spoke the words of Christ at the last supper.  It was a tool for learning, teaching ourselves and the children, remembering.  And it WAS a blessing to us.  It brought us closer to each other and to Christ.  So, how was it different than what we do at Mass on Sunday, when we essentially do the same thing during the words of institution?  The difference was that, as lovely as it was, it did not instill GRACE.  It was merely a symbol, and as edifying as a symbol can be (believe me, I love probing the depths of symbolism in this world!), it does not have POWER.  The sacrament has grace, which is God's POWER.    The symbol explains, edifies.  This does not mean that a sacrament does not also have symbolism.  It obviously does.  But it is MORE than symbolism.  It has to be, because we need God's help in a much more concrete way than with just our minds.  Our bodies need Him, our soul needs Him. 

So, how do I feel this power, this grace?  Sometimes we don't, and that's where our senses hinder us.  But just because I don't feel something, doesn't mean it's not happening.  An infant feels the water of baptism, which is temporary, yet that water leaves an indelible mark on that infant's soul, and causes him to become "born again", of water and spirit, just as Jesus said.  He is a profoundly different creature after baptism than he was before, even though our senses don't perceive the change, except that the child is now a little wet. 

Same is true of the Eucharist.  Our senses perceive bread, wine.  And just as the child looks no different according to our corporal selves after baptism, so the host looks no different after consecration.  But it is. Profoundly different.  Whether we perceive that or not.  And as we consume that consecrated host, it becomes not merely bread for our belly (symbolizing an occurrence two thousand years ago) but salvation for our soul, transforming our nature into that of Christ Himself, so that we may be incorporated into His divinity, to one day stand in the presence of Almighty God. 

There have been times when worlds have collided - when that spiritual realm poked through into the world that I can perceive, and I know this is true.  The power and grace of sacrament.  Those are called "miracles".  They are when our eyes are opened to see what is really happening on the spiritual side.  They are "signs", little glimpses behind the curtain.  When my toddler son was blessed with oil during the anointing of the sick, we had faith that those words, that oil, was impacting his soul.  The "miracle" was that we had the enormous privilege of witnessing the effect of that day, in his physical body.  His severely damaged kidney was healed.  Verifiably, inexplicably.  As a sign of the healing on a spiritual level, his physical body reflected that.  That is POWER.  Real power.  Associated with concrete movements, concrete things. 

So, the symbol merely edifies, but the sacrament really DOES.  The sacrament is the REAL THING, the symbol refers us to the REAL THING.  And the two are distinct from each other.  There is a symbolic nature to the sacrament, true.  But there is no sacrament to a mere symbol.  And that makes all the difference.

Because Christ did not merely "symbolize" God.  He did not teach us about God, remind us about God.  He WAS God, that we could see, and hear, and touch, and interact with.  The ultimate sacrament, God Personified.  Grace personified.