2017: A Retrospective

2017.  What to say?  This year has me at a loss for words, and that's not something that I usually struggle with.  This is the first year, in our nearly 20 years of marriage, that I did not put out a Christmas letter.  I just didn't know how to even begin to describe this year, and felt overwhelmed at the thought of trying.  2017 was hard for us, and it was hard for A LOT of people we know and love.   There has been much too much loss in 2017 for far too many people.  It's hit me particularly acutely this year - each unexpected death or tragedy has just cut to the core, because of what our family has gone through.  SO MANY HURTING PEOPLE in 2017!!  Coworkers and friends, and patients and family.  And our nation, the world as a whole.  So yes.  2017 has been hard.  Yet still overwhelmingly good for us Ahos, in that we have each other, we have security, we have our jobs.  The blessings still outweigh the hardships by a million-fold.  For that we are eternally grateful.   I didn't want the "hard" to be any part of our Christmas letter, and so much of our year was shaped by "hard".  We're still here, though.  We're getting back on track as a family, and I have no doubt that 2018 will see life march forward in positive ways.

As much as I feel the relentless roll of time moving forward, and I want to hang on to the precious days of my children's youth... I am not sorry to see 2017 go.  Goodbye 2017.  Welcome, New Year!!

God bless us, everyone!

Verse of the Day. It's NEVER Faith alone. And it's NEVER Faith vs Works.

How is this still an issue in the church today?  This is so clear to me as to be inconceivable that anyone misunderstands it any other way anymore.

^"For through the Spirit, by faith, we eagerly wait for the hope of righteousness. For in Christ Jesus . . . the only thing that counts is faith working through love."
Galatians 5:5-6

Faith taps us into the love of God, which we are commanded to show to the world.  We are simply a conduit.  If we have works without faith... that is nothing, true.   But, as Paul so eloquently puts it above, the ONLY THING THAT COUNTS is faith working through love.  Love the Lord God with all your heart, mind and soul.  AND THEN LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF. 

On this alone will we be judged.  How well we LOVED.  And love is an active, not a passive thing; just as Christ coming to earth, healing the sick, feeding the hungry, helping the poor, and then dying for us are ACTIVE things.  He could've just preached at us, and commanded that we believe what He told us.  But He didn't.  He ACTED. 

If we're acting in our own strength, on our own accord, then we will never, never be "good enough".  Luther felt this, and it depressed him - and rightly so, because he didn't understand that he was understanding it wrong.  But if we tap into the will and love of God, and do as HE would have us do, through HIS strength as a simple conduit, well... anything is possible.  The lives of the Saints show us this over and over.  THAT is why God's glory is made manifest in the weak, because it's utterly clear that this child, or this lowly person, could NEVER do such amazing things on their own.  They are simply exhibiting faith working through love.

On Confession.

Jesus replied, “Blessed are you, Simon son of Jonah, for this was not revealed to you by flesh and blood, but by my Father in heaven. 18 And I tell you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not overcome it. 19 I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven; whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.” 20 Then he ordered his disciples not to tell anyone that he was the Messiah.^[6] – Matthew 16: 13-20

²² And when He had said this, He breathed on them and *said to them, “Receive the Holy Spirit. ²³ If you forgive the sins of any, their sins ^[c]have been forgiven them; if you retain the sins of any, they have been retained.”
-- John 20: 22-23

Why do we confess our sins to a priest?  Why do we not just talk to God himself?

"Even if you do not confess, God is not ignorant of the deed, since he knew it before it was committed. Why then do you not speak of it? Does the transgression become heavier by the confession? No, it becomes lighter and less troublesome. And this is why he wants you to confess: not that you should be punished, but that you should be forgiven; not that he may learn your sin—how could that be, since he has seen it?—but that you may learn what favor he bestows. He wishes you to learn the greatness of his grace, so that you may praise him perfectly, that you may be slower to sin, that you may be quicker to virtue. And if you do not confess the greatness of the need, you will not understand the enormous magnitude of his grace."

— St. John Chrysostom

“Confession, believe it or not, is about happiness. It is about how to get rid of all those nagging feelings of guilt; how to be relaxed and at peace, knowing that God loves us. It is about preserving that peace and happiness throughout this life, with the cheerful expectation that it will continue in our next.”
-- Father Francis Randolph

Falling in love with God

"To fall in love with God is the greatest romance; to seek Him the greatest adventure; to find Him, the greatest human achievement."

— St. Augustine of Hippo

Meditation of the Day: God's Purpose for Us

How I love this, and how I need to hear this..... over and over and over!

'As God hath distributed to every man, as the Lord hath called every one, so let him walk.'

No one can do better with his life than that; no one can put it to a better use. Any life must be perfect in proportion as it does what it was made to do. There are many lives that are brilliant failures; they strive after many things that they were never intended to do and fail in that one thing. It seems strange that a reasonable being should never ask himself why he was put upon earth, or that it should not occur to him that the reason must be found in the will of his Creator ...  At the end of the day of our earthly life, we have to answer to our Maker whether we have been employed about our own work or about His, whether we have even made an effort to find out what He would have us do. A life that is inspired by such a motive is sure to be a success, for of this we may be absolutely certain: that each of us can fulfill in our life that for which we were created. We cannot be sure that we have the gifts needed for any other purpose ... For God, in creating us, equipped us for the work for which He created us. We have every gift of nature and of grace, of mind and body that is needed for this work."

— Fr. Basil Maturin

Results from the Study of Christ's Tomb

This stuff fascinates me.  HOW I want to go there and be in that place myself!!!

https://news.nationalgeographic.com/2017/11/jesus-tomb-archaeology-jerusalem-christianity-rome/

Exclusive: Age of Jesus Christ’s Purported Tomb Revealed

Construction materials date to Roman times, suggesting the original holy site's legacy has survived despite its destruction 1,000 years ago.

By Kristin Romey

PUBLISHED November 28, 2017

Over the centuries, Jerusalem’s Church of the Holy Sepulchre has suffered violent attacks, fires, and earthquakes. It was totally destroyed in 1009 and subsequently rebuilt, leading modern scholars to question whether it could possibly be the site identified as the burial place of Christ by a delegation sent from Rome some 17 centuries ago.

Now the results of scientific tests provided to National Geographic appear to confirm that the remains of a limestone cave enshrined within the church are remnants of the tomb located by the ancient Romans.

Mortar sampled from between the original limestone surface of the tomb and a marble slab that covers it has been dated to around A.D. 345. According to historical accounts, the tomb was discovered by the Romans and enshrined around 326.

Until now, the earliest architectural evidence found in and around the tomb complex dated to the Crusader period, making it no older than 1,000 years.

While it is archaeologically impossible to say that the tomb is the burial site of an individual Jew known as Jesus of Nazareth, who according to New Testament accounts was crucified in Jerusalem in 30 or 33, new dating results put the original construction of today's tomb complex securely in the time of Constantine, Rome's first Christian emperor.

The tomb was opened for the first time in centuries in October 2016, when the shrine that encloses the tomb, known as the Edicule, underwent a significant restoration by an interdisciplinary team from the National Technical University of Athens.

Several samples of mortar from different locations within the Edicule were taken at that time for dating, and the results were recently provided to National Geographic by Chief Scientific Supervisor Antonia Moropoulou, who directed the Edicule restoration project.

Discover how Jesus' burial site evolved from cave to church in 2,000 years.

When Constantine's representatives arrived in Jerusalem around 325 to locate the tomb, they were allegedly pointed to a Roman temple built some 200 years earlier. The Roman temple was razed and excavations beneath it revealed a tomb hewn from a limestone cave. The top of the cave was sheared off to expose the interior of the tomb, and the Edicule was built around it.

A feature of the tomb is a long shelf, or "burial bed," which according to tradition was where the body of Jesus Christ was laid out following crucifixion. Such shelves and niches, hewn from limestone caves, are a common feature in tombs of wealthy 1st-century Jerusalem Jews.

The marble cladding that covers the "burial bed" is believed to have been installed in 1555 at the latest, and most likely was present since the mid-1300s, according to pilgrim accounts.

When the tomb was opened on the night of October 26, 2016, scientists were surprised by what they found beneath the marble cladding: an older, broken marble slab incised with a cross, resting directly atop the original limestone surface of the "burial bed."

Some researchers speculated that this older slab may have been laid down in the Crusader period, while others offered an earlier date, suggesting that it may have already been in place and broken when the church was destroyed in 1009. No one, however, was ready to claim that this might be the first physical evidence for the earliest Roman shrine on the site.

The new test results, which reveal the lower slab was most likely mortared in place in the mid-fourth century under the orders of Emperor Constantine, come as a welcome surprise to those who study the history of the sacred monument.

"Obviously that date is spot-on for whatever Constantine did," says archaeologist Martin Biddle, who published a seminal study on the history of the tomb in 1999. "That's very remarkable."

See how Jesus Christ has been portrayed over 1,800 years.

During their year-long restoration of the Edicule, the scientists were also able to determine that a significant amount of the burial cave remains enclosed within the walls of the shrine. Mortar samples taken from remains of the southern wall of the cave were dated to 335 and 1570, which provide additional evidence for construction works from the Roman period, as well as a documented 16th-century restoration. Mortar taken from the tomb entrance has been dated to the 11th century and is consistent with the reconstruction of the Edicule following its destruction in 1009.

"It is interesting how [these] mortars not only provide evidence for the earliest shrine on the site, but also confirm the historical construction sequence of the Edicule," Moropoulou observes.

The mortar samples were independently dated at two separate labs using optically stimulated luminescence (OSL), a technique that determines when quartz sediment was most recently exposed to light. The scientific results will be published by Moropoulou and her team in a forthcoming issue of the Journal of Archaeological Science: Reports.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           

Thought For the Day

"Essentially a soldier, the Christian is always on the lookout. He has sharper ears and hears an undertone that others miss; his eyes see things in a particularly candid light, and he senses something to which others are insensible, the streaming of a vital current through all things. He is never submerged in life, but keeps his head and shoulders clear of it and his eyes free to look upward. Consequently he has a deeper sense of responsibility than others. When this awareness and watchfulness disappear, Christian life loses its edge; it becomes dull and ponderous."
Fr. Romano Guardini

Phase Whatever: An Update

So... got a call today from my doctor's office.  My tumor marker has gone up (from 5 to 7) not down like it's supposed to. The fact that there's any thyroglobulin at all 9 months after radioiodine ablation is disconcerting, but it was at least trending down.  And now we find, it went up.   This is not the "all clear" fantastic news I was expecting just in time for Thanksgiving.  Today's phone call, it puts uncertainty back into our lives, and I don't like that.  We will do another blood test in a few weeks, and if the number is still going up... probably another whole body scan to see where the cancer is growing, and then another potential round of radiation.  I'm praying that this last lab was just a fluke - that the number is within the margin of error, and that in actuality, I'm continuing to trend downward, steadily and surely, to the beautiful number ZERO.  Time will tell.

I read about another local child dying of cancer this past weekend.  It is heartbreaking, how cancer ravages these innocent souls.  I don't know if it's more common here, or if, being a smaller community, we just hear of it more often, but it is far too prevalent.  And hearing this news on the same day as getting my not-so-great lab results makes me sad.   It's such a horrible, ugly disease.  It is barbarous and evil.  Far too many lives have been ended too soon, far too many parents have had to grieve the loss of a child.  This is unacceptable.

I feel guilty, because, even though I have the C-word attached to me, I have had not had to struggle nearly as much as these children.   I have been enormously blessed.    I have not lost my hair, an appendage, my life.  I've had my miserable moments, but nothing like these kids.   Mine is a largely mental, rather than physical, fight.  I fight fear and uncertainty - I fight myself and my own insecurities.  They fight a beast that ravages them.     I still have the potential of moving beyond cancer largely physically unscathed.   I can still see a light at the end of the tunnel.  Their fight is much harder than mine.  I got off easy, and that's not fair. How can I even begin to complain about my year, when they have to deal with this monster looming a million times larger than my monster.  I'm an adult - I'm supposed to be stronger, and take on the harder things.  They are children. 

 I spoke to a coworker today who contracted a virus earlier this year that nearly killed her and paralyzed her for months on end.  She said that the experience, now six months later, has changed her entire outlook on life.  "I'm blessed to be here," she said.  "Period.  I'm blessed to be anywhere.  I don't take a single minute for granted any more."  I get that. 

2017 has been a really hard year for our family.  I will not be sorry to see it go.  But as difficult as it's been for us, I cannot even begin to deny how enormously blessed we have been, have always been and still are.  I am fragile and easily shaken, and that bothers me.  How can I ever lose sight of what the Lord has given our family?   How can I not wake up filled with gratitude every.single.day? 

I will say this loudly and often, and hopefully it will sink in and override my petty fears.  GOD IS GOOD.   I AM THANKFUL. 

Thought of the Day - Freedom and Choices

"The Christian idea is a broader one. For Christians, freedom consists not in how many choices you have but in whether you can choose the right thing, the good thing. If Fred is keeping his options open about whether to join the Ku Klux Klan, and Ben has decided he will never do so, Fred is not freer; quite the opposite. When Einstein discovered special relativity, he did not become less free because he was now unable to believe a dozen alternative theories. When Mozart decided how the Jupiter Symphony had to end, he did not lose freedom merely because of all the other possibilities he was compelled to give up." - Dan Hitchens

When we find something TRUE,  it does not limit us, as we cling to that truth.  Rather, it makes us more free! 

Musings on the Reformation - 500 years later.

Today is the 500th anniversary of the start of the Reformation, and it's brought up a lot of questions, a lot of pondering, and a lot of wishing things were not as divided as they are in Christianity.  I cannot even begin to deny the abuses that were happening in the church at the time of Luther.  They're pretty cut and dried, and known historical fact.  But they were PRACTICES.  Not doctrine.  There's a difference.  They were what sinful people did in the NAME OF THE CHURCH, not what the Church taught itself.  And that's a huge difference to me. 

I've been re-reading one of my favorite authors, Peter Kreeft, a professor of Philosophy at Boston College.  And one thing he said when he was researching church history as a protestant has struck me as particularly relevant, as we look at where we have ended up as a Christian Church in 2017:

"But if Catholic dogma contradicted Scripture or itself at any point, I could not find it. I explored all the cases of claimed contradiction and found each to be a Protestant misunderstanding. No matter how morally bad the Church had gotten in the Renaissance, it never taught heresy. I was impressed with its very hypocrisy: even when it didn't raise its practice to its preaching, it never lowered its preaching to its practice. Hypocrisy, someone said, is the tribute vice pays to virtue.  "

It's an ugly history, this Christianity.  We've failed and failed again at what Christ commissioned us to do.  What to do about that, though? 

For me, it all boils down to two questions, really.  FIRST:  What did Christ mean when He said "You are Peter, and upon this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hell will not prevail against it."?  And SECOND:  "What did the Reformers reform the church to?" 

Christ did not leave behind a book.  In fact, He didn't write down a single thing that we have evidence of today.  What He DID do is start a Church, and entrust it very specifically to people He knew, taught, and trusted, on the "rock" foundation of one man.  That much is clear from scripture.  So... where is it today?  Because He promised us that it would survive for as long as time, and never be taken down by the gates of Hell.  I believe we ALL should believe what Christ promised, if we profess to be Christians. 

And in regards to the second question, a reform is a return to an original, not the creation of something new.  Was the focus of the reformers the clergy who were perpetuating abuses?  To reform the fact that the church was too much of a political entity, and was used for political power?  If the medieval church had added on "pagan trappings" over time that needed stripping off.... to what extent did the Reformation turn back the clock?  Did the Reformation turn back the clock to reform the church to as it was before 1500?  To how it was in the 800's?  To how it was before Constantine?  To the Early Church?  What is the standard by which they are "reforming" to an original?  And if it IS the Early Church pre-Constantine that they were attemptingt or eform to, then I would challenge every last Protestant to read the writings of the Early Church.  Because they exist, in surprising numbers.  Reliable, historically verifiable writings of the very earliest Christians, who at times were taught by the Apostles themselves.  GO READ THEM. There is a whole, vast history between the time of Christ and 1517.  Read what these Christians wrote before the Bible was even assembled and canonized.  And see what the church looked like for those first 300 years, and where and how it grew thereafter.   And then ask yourself "WHERE TODAY IS THE CHURCH THAT CHRIST ESTABLISHED THEN????"  Look around you.   Do you see it anywhere today?

These are the questions I have asked myself time and again, and then I have spent crucial years searching for answers.  Because only if I truly settle these things in my head and my heart can I claim to be what I profess to be. 

Quote of the Day: Christ our Mediator

From St. Ambrose ca 390 AD

"Christ Himself is our mouth through which we speak to the Father, our eye through which we see the Father, our right hand through which we offer to the Father. Without His intercession neither we nor all the saints have anything with God."

— St. Ambrose

On the Reformation and the "Jesus as Lifeguard" image

I read THIS this morning, and I just have to respond:

Imagine you’re in a swimming pool and you’re drowning. Your head pops above the water just to yell, “Help! Help!” Above, you see the lifeguard on his stand looking at you. He’s holding a life ring. And he says, “Come grab the life ring! This will save you!”
If that’s the case, you’re in big trouble, right? If you’re drowning you can’t save yourself.
Yet, prior to the Reformation, this was how salvation was being taught. “Yes,” they would say, “Jesus is the way to salvation. But you must come and get him.”
Jesus would be like that life ring that the lifeguard is holding. Try. Try. Try. And if you want, you could offer the lifeguard some money and he might toss the life ring to you.
That was the situation prior to the Reformation. People being taught that they need to earn their way to salvation through their own works. And they could also pay their way out of potential punishment through the purchase of indulgences.
The Reformation was ALL ABOUT JESUS. Jesus throws himself into the depths of the pool to rescue us even without our asking. Not only does he rescue us from death, but he dies in our place.
The Reformation was ALL ABOUT JESUS and over the course of the next 4 weeks we will see how the Reformation is still ongoing in our own lives, and the fact that IT’S STILL ALL ABOUT JESUS!

EXCUSE ME!!

THIS IS WHY there continues to be so much division in Christianity today, because of misconceptions and misrepresentations.  It breaks my heart really.  Why would we ever celebrate our division, when Christ called us repeatedly to be ONE?  Why would we celebrate the divorce, when we are meant to mend the marriage??  We are called to be ONE BODY in Christ, we are COMMANDED to be one body in Christ!  In this fallen world, we need unity, because we face an ugly, vicious foe.

The Catholic Church has NEVER TAUGHT that we earn our way to salvation... that we have to climb up out of that "pool" ourselves and grab the life ring.   That's why the early church condemned Pelagius as a heretic, for promoting just such a notion!!  Rather, it has taught, from the time of St. Peter, that, when that "life ring"  of salvation is thrown to you, you best grab it.  We're ALL drowning, and Jesus wants to save us all.  In the analogy above, it's not just one person drowning in the sea, but all of humanity from the beginning of time.  And Jesus wants to save them all.  He said so. So why aren't we all saved?  Because we have a PART.  And our part is acceptance of the gift.   Jesus does the saving, we do the receiving, but receiving is not PASSIVE.   He will never save us against our will.   Our loving Father wants a relationship, and a relationship is between two active participants.   Our "works" are a sign that we have accepted this gift.  If we've truly accepted Christ... it changes us, from the inside out.  Thus we have the "gifts" of the Holy Spirit, and the "fruits" of the Holy Spirit.  No one earns a gift, but a person can certainly reject a gift.   And if we HAVE received the gift that Christ offers us, truly and sincerely, then it can be seen outwardly in our lives (fruit = works).  Our journey to heaven is not a "one and done" thing.  It's a continual effort to become more like Christ, in order to be ready to stand in His presence one day.  Salvation is a gift, but it is a gift of TRANSFORMATION,  not a gift of being yanked immediately into Heaven!   Because in our current fallen state, we are not capable of Heaven.  Nothing imperfect is.  Thus, we take on Christ, His very nature, from the inside out.  AND THAT IS HOW HE SAVES US!!

Furthermore, the Church never taught that paying ANYTHING can get you to heaven.  Were there some devious and evil people twisting church teaching for their own gain?  Yup.  Absolutely there were.   There were some pretty nasty "Christians" back then, and pretty nasty "Christians" now.   But that was never what the Church taught.  The deposit of faith never taught that we could pay our way to heaven.  Evil people did that.  They have a name and a face (John Tetzel for one), and are recognized as such... and THAT'S what Martin Luther was rightly protesting against.  Those individuals twisting Church teaching.  Only after Luther was excommunicated did he throw the baby out with the bath water.  As Peter Kreeft so eloquently puts it  "Luther was right about what was wrong, but wrong about how to make it right".  The counter-reformation was "how to make it right".  Dividing the body of Christ has been a tragic disaster from day one.

Lord Jesus, help us to strive toward unity.  I pray that all Christians may stand together in opposition to all evil that encroaches upon the world.  May we be Your hands, Your feet, Your heart in the world... as ONE BODY IN CHRIST.

From the Council of Trent, in 1547:

"But when the Apostle says that man is justified by faith and freely, these words are to be understood in that sense in which the uninterrupted unanimity of the Catholic Church has held and expressed them, namely, that we are therefore said to be justified by faith, because faith is the beginning of human salvation, the foundation and root of all justification, without which it is impossible to please God and to come to the fellowship of His son....This disposition or preparation is followed by justification itself, which is not only a remission of sins but also the sanctification and renewal of the inward man through the voluntary reception of the grace and gifts whereby an unjust man becomes just and from being an enemy becomes a friend, that he may be an heir according to hope of life everlasting. The causes of justification are: the final cause is the glory of God and of Christ and life everlasting; the efficient cause is the merciful God who washes and sanctifies gratuitously, signing and anointing with the holy Spirit of promise, who is the pledge of our inheritance; the meritorious cause is His most beloved only begotten, our Lord Jesus Christ, Who, when we were enemies, for the exceeding charity wherewith He loved us, merited for us justification by His most holy passion on the wood of the cross and made satisfaction for us to God the Father; the instrumental cause is the sacrament of baptism, which is the sacrament of faith, without which no man was ever justified,…"

Sub tuum praesidium

From a hymn written in Greek, scribed on papyrus in 250 AD, and found in Egypt.  And still appropriately being recited now, 2000 years later.

Beneath your compassion,

We take refuge, O Mother of God:

do not despise our petitions in time of trouble:

but rescue us from dangers,

only pure, only blessed one.

This.

"I used to believe that prayer changes things, but now I know that prayer changes us and we change things."

Mother Teresa

It's a Mad, Mad World

Is the world going crazy?  I think so.  Really.  I do.  In the past month alone, between three major hurricanes, wildfires, earthquakes, school shootings, dark-web hacks, dictators lobbing ICBM's, and mass murders for no apparent reason, (and then TOM PETTY DYING), it seems like one crisis can't even end before the next one pops up, worse than the last.  What is happening to our country? We are so unstable right now as a nation, it's hard to get our feet underneath us, and find firm ground. 

And still, "Hail Holy Queen" runs through my head non-stop.  But, after hearing the prayer being said by an 8 year old girl last Sunday, I realized that the version in my head had an incorrect word.  I had been repeating "To thee do we cry, poor abandoned children of Eve."  And that's not right.  It's not "abandoned", but "banished".   Poor banished children of Eve.  That one word makes all the difference!  What a crucial, horrible mistake I've made in my head!   

Yes, we are banished from the direct sight of God.  It's abundantly evident that we no longer live in Paradise with Him.  We ARE banished, to this insane, troubled place.  But we are NOT ABANDONED.  Through it all, even in our sinful, topsy-turvy world, He will not leave us.  Not for a second.  His love prevails, His church gives us the solid footing we so desperately need.  We are held.

How could I have made such a mistake, even subconsciously???

Quote of the Day

Compliments of Blessed John Henry Newman:

“We can believe what we choose. We are answerable for what we choose to believe.”

THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS!!!!!!

Bishop Barron, speaking at Facebook about having an online religious argument.  HOW I LOVE THIS!!!  It's worth a watch.  Everybody should watch this.  YES!!!  Please click the link, because I can't figure out how to embed it here.....

https://www.facebook.com/BishopRobertBarron/videos/1533520986687023/

Phase Whatever We're Up To Now: An Update.

So, where were we in this never-ending saga?  Recuperating, back to work, trying to get hormone levels adjusted.  Yes, there.  And then, in July, there was appendicitis and an emergency appendectomy added to the long list o' crapola.  Two weeks after that, there was an ER visit for thrombophlebitis of the right arm, thanks to the IV site from surgery.  Oh, and last week... pink eye.  Don't forget the pink eye.  Thus, I was feeling very down about my summer, because it was cold and rainy, and my husband and kids all took great vacations, and I was stuck at home to work, plumb out of vacation time because of illnesses, surgeries and hospitalizations.  Pathetic but true - I was resentful.  I'm not proud of it.  It was very petty of me.  I was acting like a spoiled brat, to be honest.   Luckily, though, my husband decided to take pity on me, and made our time at home when the children were gone as fun as possible - bike rides, canoe trips, ice cream.  "Monica's Summer Of Fun", he called it.   And, after a long weekend trip to Chicago, things were looking up. I'm in a much better place now than I was, attitude-wise.  Thank you for asking.  But it was a pretty bleak summer.

Yesterday, Rob and I made the trip to Minocqua's Marshfield clinic and met up with Dr. Sheehan, and things have taken a decided turn for the better.  I had gone the previous week for blood work and an ultrasound so the results were in.  Ultrasound showed no abnormal growths!  YAY!!!  TSH was .1, and T4 was way high, which is where they want it to be (hyperthyrotic to starve the cancer).  All good and expected.  My thyroglobulin tumor marker number... my main concern... was DOWN to 5!!!  Not gone. It should be zero by this point. But DOWN substantially from the last reading, so trending in the direction we want it to trend!  So that's very, very promising.  Not "all clear", but very good news, none-the-less.  I am happy with that.  The doctor explained that every unit of thyroglobulin corresponds to about 1g of tissue left in me somewhere.  So a five is about the equivalent of 5g of cancer hanging around, which he equated with about five raisins.  Raisins aren't so big.  Given the visual from the whole body scan of the inside of my throat being coated with the bad stuff... I'll take five raisins.  Since the ultrasound didn't actually SEE any lumps, he's thinking the residual tissue is at a cellular level.  I go back in two months to make sure that things are still trending down, and hopefully soon will get the official "all clear!"  If, at that time, things AREN'T still trending down, he will do a PET scan to find out where the last little bit of cancer is hiding, and we'll make a decision from there about what to do.  But I don't think we'll need to do that.  I think it's all going to be good.  Just cancer dying a long, slower-than-anticipated death.  But still DYING. Good riddance.

In other news, I have been feeling kinda miserable hormonally, which I attributed to my purposefully-elevated thyroid levels.  Apparently weight gain and absent periods aren't what the doctor usually sees in hyperthyrotic patients, though, so he wasn't quite sure what was going on.  I tossed out "well, I'm probably just going through menopause" - half jokingly.  He said "you're young for that, but let's just check."  We did more blood work before leaving Minocqua.   His office called me today.  YUP.  It's official.   Premature menopause.  2017 is turning out to be just a REALLY fun year. 

It's hard to know if I would've gone through menopause around now anyway, or if illness and radioiodine played a part.  I suspect the latter, just due to timing, and the sudden onset.  My mother started menopause at 48, so it's not inconceivable that I would be an early menopause-r as well.  But I've read that radiation can damage ovaries and induce premature menopause.  Quite frankly, after c-diff shut my bowels down for 7 days during radioiodine therapy, keeping 100 mci of radioactive iodine in my abdominal cavity for well longer than the anticipated 24 hours... my ovaries were certainly exposed to a significant amount of radiation.  I'm sure they didn't like that.  But it's neither here nor there, because regardless of the cause... menopause is menopause, and my ovaries are out for the count.  Normal estrogen levels are 50 and above, according to the endocrinologist.  Mine are 19.  FSH was through the roof as well, at 50 - another sign of menopause.  Explains a whole bunch about how I've been feeling these last few months.  So now I follow up with my primary doctor to see if something can be done to lessen the effects of these hormone imbalances before I turn into the size of a house.  Let's hope I can feel normal again soon!!

We're getting through this year, a little at a time.  It's been a doozy!  But I figure if we pile all the bad stuff into 2017, that leaves the rest of my life for rainbows and unicorns!  That works for me ;)  Overall, despite my sudden OLD AGE, things are looking up, and I'm ecstatic about that!!

ADDENDUM:  Just got back from a doctor's appointment with my primary.  She says I'm not "going through menopause".  I'm "post-menopausal".  Like... DONE.  That was the quickest "change of life" known to man.  I asked her if my period will return when I start hormone replacement therapy, and she said "No.  You will never have another one again.  You are DONE.  Your ovaries are gone."  OK then!  That process, which normally takes 5-10 years in most women, got over in essentially 3 months.  So, I suppose that's the plus side to radiation-induced menopause???  I've gained the weight, done the labile-thing, had only minimal hot flashes... all in a few months instead of years.  Now, if I can start feeling back to normal and come out the other side (which she promises will happen when I start hormone therapy!), we're golden.  She wants the gynecologist to start me on hormones, though, because of the atypical presentation.  We'll start with a really high level of both Estrogen and Progesterone replacement until I turn 50, I guess (instead of doing the bare minimum to relieve symptoms), and then start weaning off.  Trying to divert the risk of osteoporosis. 

I knew we were done having kids.  My fertility was hardly great to begin with.  But I have to admit there's a little twinge of sadness that there's not even the REMOTEST POSSIBILITY of another little Aho running around here.  If, by some miracle, we had ended up with a "geriatric pregnancy", I would have been overjoyed.  I love kids.  I love my family.    But there wasn't really a chance to begin with, honestly.  SO, if this menopause thing was going to happen anyway, might as well get it over with and move on.    That's where we are now.  Official Old Lady. 

Inspiration

We're gearing up for another year of Faith Formation.  Teaching third and fourth graders for the first time ever, I am responsible for making sure they know some prayers that I myself don't have memorized!  The list is considerable, even though I know the kids already are familiar with some of them:  Our Father, Glory Be, Hail Mary, Act of Contrition, Angel of God, the Fatima prayer, St. Michael the Archangel, Hail Holy Queen, and the Apostle's Creed.  Plus, they need to have memorized the 10 commandments, the 7 sacraments, and at the very least the order of the Gospels and Pentateuch in the Bible.  That's a lot of words to have carved into their little brains!!

So, as I was saying the Hail Holy Queen prayer to myself in preparation for all of that,  I was struck by how beautiful the words were.  Lyrical, poetic even.  And it occurred to me.... put it to music.  That's how we'll all remember it.  We'll sing it.    Within minutes of deciding this, the words started singing themselves in my head.  "Hail, Holy Queen, Mother of Mercy...  O clement, O lovely, o sweet Virgin Mary, pray for us, O holy Mother of God, that we may be made worthy of the promises of Christ....".  I rushed to the piano, and wrote down what was in my head.   It took less than 30 minutes.   (Side note: I have only ever written one other piece of music, and that was for Reagan's baptism.  That song also came to me fully intact nearly instantaneously, 8 years ago.)  A gift, inspired for a reason.  This Hail Holy Queen song, now that it is put to music, I have been singing NONSTOP.  Subconsciously, I find myself singing it while at work, humming it in the car.  It has been a constant playlist in my head without ceasing for three solid days.  Needless to say, the words are now etched into my psyche. 

With the anxiety of two major hurricanes striking our country nearly simultaneously, something else occurred to me.  By singing constantly, I was PRAYING constantly.... at a time when our country needs prayers desperately.  Subconsciously, nearly unceasing for three solid days, I was praying, and asking our Blessed Mother to pray for us, too.  And you know what??  The Lord listened - not to me, but to all of us, and to His mother - because Hurricane Irma, which could have been so utterly horrendous, took the slightest of shifts, changed course by a mere 20 miles,  which turned the absolute worst case scenario into the BEST case scenario.  And thousands were spared their homes, and their lives.  By the slightest of margins.  Meteorologists are thanking the "Bermuda High" for this change in course.  I am thanking God. 

Mother of Mercy, pray for us. 

The Witness of the Early Church: The Real Presence in the Eucharist

St. Ambrose is pretty darned clear.  This was not a medieval invention, transubstantiation.  St. Ambrose is the guy who baptized St. Augustine, clear back in mid-300s AD. 

"This bread is bread before the words of the Sacrament. But when the words of Christ come to it, it is the body of Christ ... Before the words of Christ it is a cup full of wine and water. When the words of Christ become operative, the blood which has redeemed the people is caused to be there."

— St. Ambrose

Doesn't sound "symbolic" to me???

Thought For The Day

Here's to making as little bad as I can.....

"You must not abandon the ship in a storm because you cannot control the winds . . . What you cannot turn to good, you must at least make as little bad as you can."

— St. Thomas More

Prayer for the Day

"My God, you know infinitely better than I how little I love you. I would not love you at all except for your grace. It is your grace that has opened the eyes of my mind and enabled them to see your glory. It is your grace that has touched my heart and brought upon it the influence of what is so wonderfully beautiful and fair . . . O my God, whatever is nearer to me than you, things of this earth, and things more naturally pleasing to me, will be sure to interrupt the sight of you, unless your grace interferes. Keep my eyes, my ears, my heart from any such miserable tyranny. Break my bonds—raise my heart. Keep my whole being fixed on you. Let me never lose sight of you; and, while I gaze on you, let my love of you grow more and more everyday."
Blessed John Henry Newman

Phase Seven Update - and a bit of a rant.

Still here wallowing in Phase 7, also known as "wait and wait and wait" mode.  The blood work that I drove 5 hours for last week turned out NOT to be the blood work that I wanted.  See, I want to get the bloodwork that tells me that radioiodine worked, and the Thyroglobulin (tumor marker) number is going down rather than up.  The "cancerisallclearnowgetbacktoyourlifethankyouverymuch" number. No.  Instead, I drove five hours for blood work that I could've gotten 15 minutes from my front door.  My TSH... which was fine.  Like I knew it was before I'd even left.  When the nurse called with my TSH results instead of my thyroglobulin results (I was still in the car driving back from Wisconsin!) I burst into tears. 

"What about the TG?" I asked desperately.
"OH.  The doctor didn't order that test.  Just your TSH."
"THEN WHY DID I JUST DRIVE FIVE HOURS?????"
She uhhhhed and aaahhhed a bit, and then apologized profusely and promised that she would send me a $15 gas card to make up for this mistake.  I don't care about the gas. Or the time I wasted.  I want a stinkin' TG lab ordered.

I asked her when I might get my TG checked again, and she said she would ask the doctor and get back to me.  To be honest, I am an emotional basket case these days.  I don't know if it's hormones, or PTSD, or WHAT... I just want the uncertainty gone, I want the "all clear", and I want to get back to my normal life as if none of the past few months had ever happened.  The ambiguity and waiting is driving me crazy.

The nurse called me back, and told me that the doctor would order another TG.  In SEPTEMBER.  As in four months away September.  FOUR MONTHS of not knowing.  This is not okay.  I think I finally reached my breaking point.  I know the nurse was simply relaying information second hand, and to take my frustration out on her was really not fair.  But it just made no sense to me to wait so long.  It seemed CRUEL, actually.  I know it might not be a perfect number if we redid the TG test, but I should at least get to see a downward trend, right? Instead of an upward trend?  Isn't that worth doing the test again?  I was just so upset at this news, I couldn't really speak rationally.   So, after taking a day to calm myself down, I called the doctor's office and asked to speak to him directly, for the first time since we met at my initial evaluation in January.  Mano y mano, to answer my questions specifically, and not through a third party.

The doctor did call me back, but he was not happy about it.  It was kind of a breech in protocol, I believe, me asking to speak to "the man" himself.   I didn't care.  I had questions, dang it.  He answered my questions with short, direct "all business" answers, but he DID answer them.  Just not in a way that gave me any sort of reassurance whatsoever.  When I brought up all the concerning things that were making me nervous (the tumor having doubled in size in a few months time, the high TG numbers that were going up instead of down, the whole body scan that showed mets to lymph nodes and possibly the lungs, the lack of testing to determine if my cancer was a more aggressive subtype) he just said "it's too soon to really determine the extent of things.  Technology just isn't that good.  We can't know until September".  I asked him if it wouldn't be a good idea to at least see a downward trend of the TG number?  He said yes, it would be good to see.  In September.  I asked what would happen if the number continued to rise instead of fall.  He said we'd figure that out... in September.  It was obvious (to me at least) that I was seeking some kind of answers to put my mind at ease.  All he had to do was say "Monica, it's okay.  Rest easy.  We've got this."  Or something to that effect.  But no.  He was short, and business-like, and rather irritated-sounding to have to deal with me at all.  And he would NOT give in about re-doing the blood test before September. 

So...... PHHHHHBBBBBLLLLLTTTT. 

The thing is, I was getting the impression that the doctor was irritated at me for not trusting his judgement.  He didn't say that, obviously, but that was the vibe I got on the phone.  Like, "I'm the doctor, you're the patient.  Just trust that I know what I'm doing and shut up about it."  But you know what? Since December 26th, it's been one medical foul up after another for me.  From the injury of my laryngeal nerves during surgery, to contracting c.diff from the hospital, to not finding out about cancer until 10 days after surgery (after it was too late to check lymph nodes and all that), to having  lab results for thyroglobulin be totally wrong TWICE, to driving five hours for a blood test I didn't need!  And now I'm supposed to just shut up and trust them all??  Really?  Because to be honest, I'm a little on edge after all of this.  This is the big one.  The one, out of all of them, that we really can't mess up - this dealing with cancer.  And now I get the "why are you so worried about this?"  After months of crap and one complication after another, now I'm not supposed to worry????  About cancer of all things?  Because it's the "good kind"?????

I've just had it.  With all of it.  I'm sick of thinking about it all, and dealing with it all, and worrying about it all.  And so I've decided.  It doesn't exist.  If they won't give me the all clear, I will give it to myself.  I hereby give myself permission to assume that I am ALL DONE with everything pertaining to my thyroid.  I am HEALTHY.  I am NORMAL.  If anyone asks me how I am, I will say very truthfully that I am FINE.  For my sanity's sake, I am cancer free as of this moment.  And I will NOT think of it again until I am forced to... in SEPTEMBER.

On with my life.

Phase Seven Complete.

End of rant.

Good Friday Meditation

From the National Review, back in 1987:


And he said unto them, Behold, when ye are entered into the city, there shall a man meet you, bearing a pitcher of water; follow him into the house where he entereth in.

And ye shall say unto the goodman of the house, The Master saith unto thee, Where is the guest chamber, where I shall eat the passover with my disciples? And he shall show you a large upper room furnished: there make ready.

—Luke 22: 10–12

There is a strange agency at work here. The Scripture might be haunted. That pitcher-bearer. This goodman. They spook me. Who are they, what special order of grace do they belong to? And, elsewhere, those men who surrender the colt “whereon yet never man sat.” Nameless, equivocal shapes. “Hey,” they shout, “why loose ye the colt?” The Lord has need of it, His disciples explain. Oh, well. In that case. Why didn’t you say so? Take our expensive animal. And has their free will been taken also? It is as if a casual, weird cast of accomplices inhabited Jerusalem. Men or suchlike who know, often better than fumbling Peter or over-literal Thomas, just how to ornament the Passion.

Were they perhaps made of some angelic stuff? I don’t think so: it is the Lord’s habit, thank God, to enlist men wherever convenient. He has an economical disposition. And Man was, after all, what this grand enterprise had been about from the first. But how then did Jesus, so to speak, make His room reservation in advance? Were these men sensitized by dreams? Did the Holy Spirit, foraging like a quartermaster sergeant, requisition their possessions through sign and vision? It is possible. The Lord had been known to trouble sleep. “And being warned of God in a dream . . . ” Was there fitfulness before the Passover?

Again, I think not. God prefers, when He can, to conserve terrestrial order. He has a dramatic instinct. And His own peculiar unities. The Passion is as naturalistic as frail wrist tissue shredded by a spike. Jesus could ferment water. He could infinitely divide the loaf and the fish. But here He had need of a furnished apartment. His colt might have come about providentially, as Abraham’s ram came about, caught in some thicket. But God wanted a known colt: one that had memorable references in Jerusalem. It was His purpose to leave a clear and historical track behind — evidence that might stand up in court. The presence of transcendent power among modest instruments is more persuasive than any bullying miracle could be.

I suppose it this way, then. That these — pitcher-bearer and goodman and colt-owner, these first acolytes of the Eucharist — were men given sudden and heightened perception. An abrupt seeing Into. Spirit came upon them as Jesus came upon Matthew sitting at the receipt of custom: “Follow me. And he arose, and followed Him.” Simply that. Next Window Please. We are so habituated to reason and a precious carefulness that Christ’s people seem, well, irresponsible. But grace is first the law-breaker. It can be brutal: “Let the dead bury their dead.” Brutal and rash and unfair. Because there is no ground whatever for believing that these were righteous men. They didn’t earn their cameo roles in the Passion through good work. I suspect they were chosen rather for an openness to potential. They were, above all, ready men.
Simon of Cyrene, recruited by grace and some Roman to lug Jesus’ cross, is my paradigm in this. He had, it would seem, no previous experience for the work. No moral credentials that we hear about. Just a man “who passed by, coming out of the country.” To trade, to sightsee, to window-shop: another tourist in the Big Fig. And, all at once, he is absorbed by that rubbernecking mob. Elbow to the front — what have we here? And it’s you, yes you. Bozo, pack that wood. We know nothing about Simon, except that his children, Rufus and Alexander, became Christians. On Good Friday, Simon was what we all are, a passerby. And shanghaied by the Holy Spirit. I take comfort in this thought, whose life otherwise does not much recommend itself to God. That I may be granted, through His fierce randomness and my mere availability, a walk-on moment of redemption.

On Good Friday, Simon was what we all are, a passerby.

Return to the Passion now. Imagine, say, a man in his workshop room alone. For best effect, I’d fancy him preoccupied: revising some device of his craft, in thought, whatever. Suppose it hot and ordinary out. Then, all of one rush, as weather can change, there should be an importance in the air. Let that cheap pitcher interpose itself across his attention here. For this instant it should have more pitcherness. The way common objects astound and please when we are full of joy. This is, you know, not his regular time to fetch water in. But the thought of “pitcher,” the very surprising idea that it can hold water, contains aptness and fascination for him. It has been infused by grace. And he rises at a call — not from God as such, nor from any impending event — but to honor the perfect nature of one created thing. There is elevation all around.

Returning from the well he happens upon two men. After that, unaware, they will become a procession of three.

It is not through war and celebrity that God has most advanced His will. It Is through the commonplace: room, colt, manger, fisherman — thunderous Easter, atrocity and miracle, are prepared for in them. Open a window. Pick up anything. Inhale. These are moments and incidents without moral import except for this: that reverence and special shining can inhere. We are admonished to be alert. And certainly we have lost just that measure of openness and heightening and expectation. This is, I suspect, what those shadowy men are about. If they didn’t know, they felt, felt at some proper instant, that even in the filling of a pitcher one might lead great strangers to magnificence.

— D. Keith Mano was a TV screenwriter and author of ten books, including Take Five, the recipient of the 1987 Literary Lion award, and a columnist at National Review magazine for 17 years.

Phase Seven, Part II:

Just continuing to document here, for my own benefit, so I can remember the course of events.  A fill-in doctor increased my thyroid medication, and I have felt better over the past few days.  So hopefully, that is doing the trick, and working my TSH back towards normal.  Did find out that the calcium supplement I have been taking may be interfering with the absorption of my levothyroxine, so I guess I'll stop taking that, and go back to drinking milk (which I had been off of since my last bout with c-diff). 

My regular endocrine doctor is back from vacation, and his office called today to say that my tumor-marker numbers are still HORRENDOUSLY high.  Supposed to be near zero, and mine is now "lowered" to 137, after radiation.  That's NOT good.  The radiation was supposed to kill everything - resulting in ZILCHO (or near zilcho) tumor marker.  This has him "scratching his head", according to Leanne, the very friendly nurse who has been communicating with me.  There are three scenarios that may be causing such crazy numbers:

Scenario #1: The Marquette lab just plain old sucks, and is out and out wrong.  To determine if this is the case, I will be travelling five hours round trip for a five minute blood poke tomorrow.   That way we can compare my original blood work taken at Marshfield (which was high, but not THAT high) to THIS bloodwork, that will also be processed in the Marshfield lab.  Comparing apples to apples, so to speak.  My doctor trusts the Marshfield lab.  He's not so sure about the Marquette lab.   This is the best scenario by far, and so I'm hoping it's what is going on.

Scenario #2:  I am one of the 15%-20% of people who make a specific "antibody" in response to thyroglobulin (the tumor marker), which whacks out the results of the thyroglobulin test... giving numbers that are either falsely high or low.  This is a likely scenario, given that two of my three blood tests (the ones from Marquette)  have shown high levels of this antibody... but  the doctor doesn't quite trust the results.  See scenario #1.  If this is the case, then the easiest, most sure-fire way to ensure that the cancer has gone away and stays away - doing a blood test and looking for the tumor marker - is not an option for me.  Don't know what other options they use to see if the cancer really is gone, if I do happen to be antibody positive.   Should probably look in to that, but am hoping that scenario #1 really is the case, and I don't have to.

Scenario #3: Worst case scenario; the cancer is not the typical, slow-growing type, but a much more aggressive form.  This can happen in about 10-15% of cases.  My original pathology report did not do testing to determine a subtype, and did not do the genetic testing necessary to determine if the cancer is the more aggressive form. So that little bit of crucial information is unknown (again, thank you Marquette).    This more aggressive form of cancer is a possibility, given the extensive spread in the neck that showed up in the PET scan, but it is not definitive.  We just don't know yet.  So we rule out scenarios 1 and 2 first, and hope that one of them is the case, and not scenario 3. 

So, unsettling.  I keep waiting of for the "good news" phone call that I thought I'd gotten a few weeks back.  The REALLY good news.  "All scans and bloodwork say that cancer is GONE."  But we haven't gotten that yet.  Just lots of vague, weird things, and questions that still need to be answered.  So, we wait, and pray, and drive five hours, and get more pokes... but in the meantime, I work on getting stronger, and back to work and resuming normal life. 

And try not to think about things too much. 

ADDENDUM:
Got new lab results back from Marshfield.  Scenario #1 is at least partly true.  Marquette's lab results were an order of magnitude off.  Which... thank goodness.  No mention of antibodies in these new lab results, so I'm guessing Scenario #2 is out of the equation.  My tumor marker thyroglobulin number did, however, go UP instead of DOWN after radiation.  And is still too high.  Went up to 39 from 30.  Supposed to be zero.  Normal range of a person with a full thyroid is 30.  I don't have a thyroid.  Something is making all that thyroglobulin, and that fact doesn't rule out dreaded scenario #3.  And yesterday I spoke with the physician who did my original thyroidectomy.  He assured me that he was thorough in removing every last little bit of normal thyroid tissue, because the thyroid was encapsulated.  "I didn't hack through thyroid and leave any behind," he said.  "I got so close, and was so thorough about removing it, that I paralyzed your laryngeal nerve, remember?"  But, I told him, I WANT there to be normal tissue left behind, elevating my Tg number.  That's the reassuring scenario.  "But it's not the case," he said.  "I'm sure of it.  I got it all."  And the hot spots on my strap muscles and trachea and esophagus and lymph nodes?  "That wasn't from normal thyroid tissue left behind, I can tell you that.  I don't know why they're lighting up, but your thyroid came all the way out.  It wasn't stuck to anything but that nerve."    So... don't know what to think about that little bit of info.  

We're entrenched in "wait and see" mode.  I go back in a few weeks for more blood work, and hopefully this time the thyroglobulin will be acting as it should, and decreasing instead of increasing.  Hopefully, by then, I will not be so exhausted all the time, and will have started losing some weight, and won't have this annoying cough and dry mouth.  Hopefully this all has been "recovery phase" and not "you're not done with this cancer thing yet" phase.  Still waiting for the ultimate good news, that it's all behind me.

In the meantime, I'll continue to try not to think about it.

Phase Seven: Working on Getting Back to "Normal"

My workplace is awesome.  I am back to work, but they have been very "easy" on me, and have transitioned me back slowly - five hours here, three hours there.  Enough to feel "real" but not enough to be overwhelmed and exhausted by it all right away.  The full-blown caseload resumes after Spring Break, but by then, hopefully I'll be ready.  Right now, I still get fatigued really easily, but I've resumed working out and am TRYING to get back in shape.

I'm still very hypothyrotic.  Don't know if that's a word, or if I just made it up, but thyroid levels still very much out of whack.  I had called my endocrinologist's office the other day about that.  How long does it take to regulate these things?  My goodness!!  The nurse on the phone said "6-12 weeks, because it takes a while for the thyroid to respond".  "Uhhhhh..." I said.  "I don't have a thyroid.  YOU writing a prescription are my thyroid."  "OH," said she.  " I missed that part in your chart.  In that case, let's do some blood work and see what we get!"

So, normal TSH levels are somewhere between 1.0 and 2.0.  They can run as high as 4.0 in some people, and they still feel "normal".  Before I went "hypothyroid" in preparation for radioiodine treatment, my "normal" was 1.6.  And I felt pretty good at that level.  During the "deep plunge", my Thyroid Stimulating Hormone (which is produced by the pituitary to stimulate the thyroid in response to a lack of thyroid hormone, so has an inverse relationship to thyroid levels) was 72.  SEVENTY TWO.  So, definitely a bit out of whack, but that's what it's supposed to do when you go off all thyroid medication.  We wanted that TSH high, and darn it... it was HIGH.  To the point of making me miserable.  I did a good job preparing for radiation, that's for sure. 

So now, after being back ON my thyroid medication for 22 days, 3 full weeks after I should be returned to "normal"... my TSH is still 23.  TWENTY THREE, not TWO POINT THREE.  And my normal was 1.6.  So.... still way high.  By a factor of 1500% or so.   Which explains a good deal about why I'm still tired all the time, and still have a hoarse voice, my period is all whacky, and why I'm still apparently gaining weight even when I have virtually no appetite whatsoever and eat usually just one meal a day at lunch time. 

Hopefully, the endocrinologist will adjust my levels here soon.  My primary won't touch it with a 10 foot pole... she emphatically said "we're going to let your endocrinologist handle this."  My endocrinologist just happens to be on a spring break vacation with his family, so hopefully there's SOMEONE who can make adjustments for me.  I'm really trying to get back to normal here, and having hormones at appropriate levels will go a long way to ensuring that happens!!  Phase Seven, which I didn't even think would be a thing (in my head it was Phase Six and DONE.... NORMAL ONCE MORE), is underway.  Re-regulating, and whipping myself back into shape.  Phase seven, "the aftermath".    But I'm getting there!!

A Sacramental Paradigm - Jesus healing the Blind Man

Today's gospel reading from John 9:1-41 is always one that I had trouble understanding in the past.  About Jesus and the blind man whom He cured.  The fact that the blind man was cured was not what confused me.  It was HOW Jesus cured the blind man.  By spitting into the mud, rubbing it on the man's eyes, then having him go wash in the pool of Siloam.  The confusing part in my head in the past was always... "why all the rigamorole?"  Why the spit and the mud, and the pasting things onto eye sockets, and washing it off afterwards in a special pool, when we all KNOW that Jesus could say a single word and heal the guy.  Of course He could do that, because He HAD done it for others.  "Lord, I am not worthy that you should enter under my roof, but only say the word, and my servant shall be healed" the centurion begged Jesus to his heal trusted aide.  And it was so.  By a word, Jesus healed the centurion's servant.  But in the case of the blind man, Jesus didn't just "say a word".  He used STUFF, physical stuff.  And required ACTION on the part of the blind man. 

This, to me, is the epitome of a sacrament.  The exact definition of a sacrament is that it is “an outward sign instituted by Christ to give grace.”  So, in a sacrament, there is something VISIBLE and TANGIBLE to show us what is happening INVISIBLY (the receiving of grace).  In the case of the blind man, Christ spit into the mud, and mixed the holiness of Himself into the earth.  Literally.  He infused His holiness into the most humble of things... dirt... and then applied it to the injured part of the man.  And then he told the man to do something.  The application alone wasn't enough to cure his blindness (although it COULD have, if Jesus had willed it to be so, obviously).  But Christ didn't stop there for this man, for a very deliberate reason.  "He said 'Go wash in the Pool of Siloam' —which means Sent—. So he went and washed, and came back able to see." 

Jesus told the man to go to the place which means to send forth [the CHURCH!!!. Whose mission is to "go forth and make disciples of all men!"], and once there, He told the man to wash  [BE BAPTIZED!] in order to be healed.    This all required action and obedience on the part of the blind man, or he wouldn't have been healed.  Jesus offered him the gift of healing, but demanded something of him in return.  BELIEVE what I am telling you, and ACT on it. 

Today, this reading suddenly came into crystal clear focus for me.  Funny that a story  about a blind man being suddenly able to see had shown me how blind I had been up until now, in regards to what Jesus was truly trying to say through His actions.  The "AHA!" moment was very real this morning. Like... "how could I not have seen that before??? It seems so obvious now!"

And the resulting skepticism of the Pharisees, who persisted in their "blindness" even after seeing this miracle reminds me of so many who refuse to see the power of the sacraments that Christ has given  to THEM as a gift.    "I came into this world for judgement, so that those who do not see might see, and those who do see might become blind." Christ said.    I have been told several times that partaking of the sacraments constitutes a "WORK" on my part, and that I am trying to "EARN MY SALVATION" by participating in them.  Just like the Pharisees, who tried to condemn the miracle Jesus did as a WORK done on the Sabbath.  This one gospel reading elucidates so much of what is misunderstood in Christ's church today!!  Jesus told the blind man to GO and WASH in order to receive the gift of healing.  Present yourself to the church and be baptized, become part of MY family, Christ implores us, in order to receive the healing He is offering.  In order to receive the forgiveness of sins, the healing of our souls. 

No wonder the reading was so long this morning.  ONE STORY... so many answers to so many questions!!  We just have to SEE!!

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;
Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;
Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high Tower:
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.

Processed.

SO.  A few posts ago, I mentioned how I was so thankful that during this whole "health saga" thing, I was not AFRAID.  And promptly after that, this past Monday, I received news that scared the heebie jeebies out of me.  And I reacted fearfully.  Why do I fall for this stuff???  Why do I set myself up for things I know I'm most ill-equipped to handle?

Lessons, lessons, lessons.

So, after finding out this perceived bad news, I wallowed for 24 hours.  And cried some.  And researched all the horrible implications of "locally invasive" thyroid cancer (which is NOT pretty).  Because the PET scan showed hot spots in places in my neck where I was not expecting it to be.  I had prepared myself for metastasis to the lymph nodes.  I hadn't prepared myself for metastasis to muscles and vital things like my trachea and esophagus.  And then, when I saw the report saying those areas "lit up" on PET scan... it FREAKED ME OUT.  Big time.  Because, dang it, I have children that are not yet fully raised, and they really do need their mother. 

My husband, in response to my frantic texts expounding on the horrible things I learned from the thyroid cancer website, came back with "Don't be afraid.  God is good".  Yes, He is good.  But I WAS afraid.  And I needed some definitive answers.

So, I decided to call the doctor direct.  I didn't want to INFER bad news.  I wanted to definitively KNOW whether news was bad or not.  Directly.  I wanted to force the doctor to be blunt with me.  So I called him. 

He was on his way out of town on vacation with his family for two weeks, and couldn't talk.  So... ok.  I forced the NURSE to call him and talk to him, and then report back to me :). 

DOES THE FACT THAT THE CANCER METASTASIZED LOCALLY IN MY NECK CHANGE MY STAGING OR PROGNOSIS?  That is what I asked her to ask him (along with a question about my TSH levels, which STILL do not seem normal!!).  The nurse admitted readily that she had no idea at all the answer to that question.  So ask HIM, I asked.  Calmly.  Because I need to know. 

Just asking the question made me feel better.  Something about saying things out loud, or writing them down, clarifies things in my head.  It's helpful to me.  It's why I blog here about this kind of stuff.

When she called me back, all she could tell me is "We can't know.  We can't know what's normal thyroid tissue, and what's cancerous, until it is all dead, and then see what grows back.  So we have to be patient, and let the radioiodine heat-seeking missle do it's job."  That was the doctor's answer, as told to me by the nurse.  This, surprisingly, brought me quite a bit of peace.  Because even though at first it seems like a very dissatisfying answer to a very pertinent and burning question... it triggered something in me.  It made me remember something the ENT had said right after my surgery back in December.  He said at the time "yeah... your thyroid was stuck pretty good to that laryngeal nerve, and we had to tug fairly hard to get it off of there."  That's what he said, months ago.  I remembered it, because hello... that laryngeal nerve stopped working there for about a month after that, so the "tugging" episode probably explained a few things. 

And it made me realize that I had been thinking all along about my thyroid being a NORMAL thyroid.  So, when the thyroid bed "lit up" on PET scan... of course it would light up there, because that's where my thyroid used to be.  And that didn't freak me out.  It freaked me out when the scan said that my esophagus lit up, and the side muscles of my neck lit up, and the tracheoesophageal groove on the right lit up.  Places where a NORMAL thyroid wouldn't be.  But... OH YEAH!  My thyroid was HUGE!  DUH!  It's why I had surgery in the first place!  We didn't find out about the cancer until 10 days after my thyroidectomy.  I had my thyroidectomy, because my thyroid was HUGE AND PUSHING ON MY ESOPHAGUS AND TRACHEA, and taking up all kinds of room in my neck, and resting against my spine in the back.  My thyroid was NOT where a normal thyroid would be.  It was enormous, and touching (and apparently ADHERED TO) all kinds of things  in my neck that it wasn't supposed to be.  Which means... all those lit up spots in my neck?  It's very possible that those are remnants of normal thyroid tissue in places where normal thyroid tissue isn't typically to be found, and THAT'S what lit up.  That it's NOT "locally invasive", really bad bad bad news thyroid cancer, but "goiter gone amok" thyroid tissue.  And that makes me feel SO.MUCH.BETTER. and takes the fear and anxiety level down twelve notches or so.

YES, there was spread to a few lymph nodes, and a little bit to my lungs.  That is true metastasis - not remnants of the goiter.   The stuff at the base of my neck... that is where the cancer legitimately did spread. That part is pretty clear.  But that was the metastasis I had prepared myself mentally for.  Because it happens in 50% of cases, and doesn't change prognosis much.  The lymph node mets I can wrap my brain around.  It was the other spread that was so upsetting to me.  And now I realize... maybe that doesn't mean it was all cancer in those other places.  Because I forgot that it was not a normal-sized thyroid we removed in the first place, but one that had blown up to twice it's normal size due to the multinodular goiter, and the "bigger than a golf-ball" sized tumor on the one side (and oh yeah, cancer on the other side).  The goiter that was pushing on all kinds of structures in the neck that regular thyroid wouldn't have pushed on. 

And even though the doctor can't really tell me which one of these scenarios is the ACTUAL scenario (we can't know at this point) ... the fact that there IS another scenario gives me HOPE.   And that second scenario is far more likely in a normally behaving, slower growing, not-as-aggressive papillary thyroid cancer.  And thus, it takes away FEAR.

You almost got me, FEAR.  You're an ugly beast.  I will not live with you.  Be gone, be gone, be gone. 

God is good.  Don't be afraid.