Time. Meditation for the Day.

"What is time, with regard to myself? It is my present and actual existence. Past time, or my past existence, is no longer anything, as far as I am concerned; I can neither recall it, nor change anything in it. The time to come, or my future existence, has not yet arrived, and perhaps never will arrive. I does not depend on me; I cannot count on it ... No one is ignorant of these two simple truths, but very few draw from them the conclusions they ought to draw ... This present moment, or this actual existence—from whom do I hold it? It is He who has preserved my existence from one instant to another, and who is preserving it at this present moment. Will He preserve it for me in the moment that shall immediately follow this one? I do not know; and nothing in the world can give me the assurance of it. Why has time been given to me? So that by it I may merit a happy eternity. I shall live forever: faith teaches me this; my reason even assures me of another life. The desire of immortality is implanted in the depths of my heart, and this desire, which God Himself has planted there, can never be frustrated of its object. I am, then, born for eternity, but this eternity will be happy or wretched ... My fate for all eternity depends, then, on the use I make of time, and since neither the past nor the future is in my own power, it is quite true to say that my eternity depends always on the present moment. Now, at this present moment, what is my state? Would I like to die just as I am now?"

Fr. Jean Nicholas Grou

Status Update: Checking In

My last routine appointment with my endocrinologist was in September, and my TG levels had come down from 39 to 5.  Which was fabulous news, because we want them to come down, but they're SUPPOSED to be at "0", #cancergoals.  So, we repeated bloodwork 6 weeks later, and lo and behold, the TG rose to 7.5, instead of trending down.  But maybe that was all a fluke.  So, 6 weeks later, we did blood work again, and there it was, still 7.5.  Not a fluke, this rise in TG levels.  Something somewhere was growing and making all that tumor marker.  So, my doctor ordered a CT scan last week, which showed a 6mm nodule in the right middle lobe of my lung.  The same place a spot showed up last year on my whole body scan, that they thought was just an "artifact" that, if it was anything of concern, was "presumably addressed with the radiodine therapy".   But obviously radioiodine DIDN'T take out this spot, because there it is again on the CT scan.   Cue panic attack.  If the cancer has spread to my lungs, that means it's a much uglier beast than we first anticipated, and we are NOT almost done.

My worry translates itself into research.  I want to KNOW everything I possibly can about something we're dealing with.  So I have scanned the internet, read the articles.  I know that pulmonary nodules are frequently benign.  My body tends to grow random cysts/tumors/nodules anyway.  It's a tendency inherited through my father, which my sister and I affectionately call "grow-crap-itis".  But there's the pesky fact of the tumor marker increasing at the same time which is worrisome.  Stage 4 cancer, with metastasis to the lungs, cannot be ruled out.  But it can't be definitively ruled IN either.    UGH.

My doctor's office just called, and the plan for now is to wait and watch.  I will have more blood work and an ultrasound in 2 months, and then follow up with the doctor the following week.  And then a repeat CT scan a few weeks after that.  So the plan is just more tests, more waiting, and see what happens.  I am not good at waiting.  I want to be pro-active and be done with it all already, and deal with it.  We hear over and over again that cancer needs to be "caught early" for best treatment results.  And then when it IS caught early.... we get "let's wait and see."

But this is my lesson.  Waiting.  Patience.  Being strong enough, through the grace of God, to trust Him, and be not afraid.  If this is mastery of the will over the body, then I need to learn this lesson.  I need to not let fear and uncertainty enter my life.  I need to just let today be today, and live it, without worrying about what tomorrow might bring.  Today is all I have control over anyway.   This is easier said then done, but it is my prayer.  Lord, give me the courage to live fully today, and not worry about tomorrow.  Amen.

Verse of the Day: What I need to hear....

"For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me; when you seek me with all your heart."

Jeremiah 29:11-13