So... got a call today from my doctor's office. My tumor marker has gone up (from 5 to 7) not down like it's supposed to. The fact that there's any thyroglobulin at all 9 months after radioiodine ablation is disconcerting, but it was at least trending down. And now we find, it went up. This is not the "all clear" fantastic news I was expecting just in time for Thanksgiving. Today's phone call, it puts uncertainty back into our lives, and I don't like that. We will do another blood test in a few weeks, and if the number is still going up... probably another whole body scan to see where the cancer is growing, and then another potential round of radiation. I'm praying that this last lab was just a fluke - that the number is within the margin of error, and that in actuality, I'm continuing to trend downward, steadily and surely, to the beautiful number ZERO. Time will tell.
I read about another local child dying of cancer this past weekend. It is heartbreaking, how cancer ravages these innocent souls. I don't know if it's more common here, or if, being a smaller community, we just hear of it more often, but it is far too prevalent. And hearing this news on the same day as getting my not-so-great lab results makes me sad. It's such a horrible, ugly disease. It is barbarous and evil. Far too many lives have been ended too soon, far too many parents have had to grieve the loss of a child. This is unacceptable.
I feel guilty, because, even though I have the C-word attached to me, I have had not had to struggle nearly as much as these children. I have been enormously blessed. I have not lost my hair, an appendage, my life. I've had my miserable moments, but nothing like these kids. Mine is a largely mental, rather than physical, fight. I fight fear and uncertainty - I fight myself and my own insecurities. They fight a beast that ravages them. I still have the potential of moving beyond cancer largely physically unscathed. I can still see a light at the end of the tunnel. Their fight is much harder than mine. I got off easy, and that's not fair. How can I even begin to complain about my year, when they have to deal with this monster looming a million times larger than my monster. I'm an adult - I'm supposed to be stronger, and take on the harder things. They are children.
I spoke to a coworker today who contracted a virus earlier this year that nearly killed her and paralyzed her for months on end. She said that the experience, now six months later, has changed her entire outlook on life. "I'm blessed to be here," she said. "Period. I'm blessed to be anywhere. I don't take a single minute for granted any more." I get that.
2017 has been a really hard year for our family. I will not be sorry to see it go. But as difficult as it's been for us, I cannot even begin to deny how enormously blessed we have been, have always been and still are. I am fragile and easily shaken, and that bothers me. How can I ever lose sight of what the Lord has given our family? How can I not wake up filled with gratitude every.single.day?
I will say this loudly and often, and hopefully it will sink in and override my petty fears. GOD IS GOOD. I AM THANKFUL.
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