Friday, April 14, 2017

Good Friday Meditation

From the National Review, back in 1987:


And he said unto them, Behold, when ye are entered into the city, there shall a man meet you, bearing a pitcher of water; follow him into the house where he entereth in.
And ye shall say unto the goodman of the house, The Master saith unto thee, Where is the guest chamber, where I shall eat the passover with my disciples? And he shall show you a large upper room furnished: there make ready.
—Luke 22: 10–12

There is a strange agency at work here. The Scripture might be haunted. That pitcher-bearer. This goodman. They spook me. Who are they, what special order of grace do they belong to? And, elsewhere, those men who surrender the colt “whereon yet never man sat.” Nameless, equivocal shapes. “Hey,” they shout, “why loose ye the colt?” The Lord has need of it, His disciples explain. Oh, well. In that case. Why didn’t you say so? Take our expensive animal. And has their free will been taken also? It is as if a casual, weird cast of accomplices inhabited Jerusalem. Men or suchlike who know, often better than fumbling Peter or over-literal Thomas, just how to ornament the Passion.
Were they perhaps made of some angelic stuff? I don’t think so: it is the Lord’s habit, thank God, to enlist men wherever convenient. He has an economical disposition. And Man was, after all, what this grand enterprise had been about from the first. But how then did Jesus, so to speak, make His room reservation in advance? Were these men sensitized by dreams? Did the Holy Spirit, foraging like a quartermaster sergeant, requisition their possessions through sign and vision? It is possible. The Lord had been known to trouble sleep. “And being warned of God in a dream . . . ” Was there fitfulness before the Passover?

Again, I think not. God prefers, when He can, to conserve terrestrial order. He has a dramatic instinct. And His own peculiar unities. The Passion is as naturalistic as frail wrist tissue shredded by a spike. Jesus could ferment water. He could infinitely divide the loaf and the fish. But here He had need of a furnished apartment. His colt might have come about providentially, as Abraham’s ram came about, caught in some thicket. But God wanted a known colt: one that had memorable references in Jerusalem. It was His purpose to leave a clear and historical track behind — evidence that might stand up in court. The presence of transcendent power among modest instruments is more persuasive than any bullying miracle could be.

I suppose it this way, then. That these — pitcher-bearer and goodman and colt-owner, these first acolytes of the Eucharist — were men given sudden and heightened perception. An abrupt seeing Into. Spirit came upon them as Jesus came upon Matthew sitting at the receipt of custom: “Follow me. And he arose, and followed Him.” Simply that. Next Window Please. We are so habituated to reason and a precious carefulness that Christ’s people seem, well, irresponsible. But grace is first the law-breaker. It can be brutal: “Let the dead bury their dead.” Brutal and rash and unfair. Because there is no ground whatever for believing that these were righteous men. They didn’t earn their cameo roles in the Passion through good work. I suspect they were chosen rather for an openness to potential. They were, above all, ready men.
Simon of Cyrene, recruited by grace and some Roman to lug Jesus’ cross, is my paradigm in this. He had, it would seem, no previous experience for the work. No moral credentials that we hear about. Just a man “who passed by, coming out of the country.” To trade, to sightsee, to window-shop: another tourist in the Big Fig. And, all at once, he is absorbed by that rubbernecking mob. Elbow to the front — what have we here? And it’s you, yes you. Bozo, pack that wood. We know nothing about Simon, except that his children, Rufus and Alexander, became Christians. On Good Friday, Simon was what we all are, a passerby. And shanghaied by the Holy Spirit. I take comfort in this thought, whose life otherwise does not much recommend itself to God. That I may be granted, through His fierce randomness and my mere availability, a walk-on moment of redemption.
On Good Friday, Simon was what we all are, a passerby.
Return to the Passion now. Imagine, say, a man in his workshop room alone. For best effect, I’d fancy him preoccupied: revising some device of his craft, in thought, whatever. Suppose it hot and ordinary out. Then, all of one rush, as weather can change, there should be an importance in the air. Let that cheap pitcher interpose itself across his attention here. For this instant it should have more pitcherness. The way common objects astound and please when we are full of joy. This is, you know, not his regular time to fetch water in. But the thought of “pitcher,” the very surprising idea that it can hold water, contains aptness and fascination for him. It has been infused by grace. And he rises at a call — not from God as such, nor from any impending event — but to honor the perfect nature of one created thing. There is elevation all around.

Returning from the well he happens upon two men. After that, unaware, they will become a procession of three.

It is not through war and celebrity that God has most advanced His will. It Is through the commonplace: room, colt, manger, fisherman — thunderous Easter, atrocity and miracle, are prepared for in them. Open a window. Pick up anything. Inhale. These are moments and incidents without moral import except for this: that reverence and special shining can inhere. We are admonished to be alert. And certainly we have lost just that measure of openness and heightening and expectation. This is, I suspect, what those shadowy men are about. If they didn’t know, they felt, felt at some proper instant, that even in the filling of a pitcher one might lead great strangers to magnificence.

— D. Keith Mano was a TV screenwriter and author of ten books, including Take Five, the recipient of the 1987 Literary Lion award, and a columnist at National Review magazine for 17 years.

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Phase Seven, Part II:

Just continuing to document here, for my own benefit, so I can remember the course of events.  A fill-in doctor increased my thyroid medication, and I have felt better over the past few days.  So hopefully, that is doing the trick, and working my TSH back towards normal.  Did find out that the calcium supplement I have been taking may be interfering with the absorption of my levothyroxine, so I guess I'll stop taking that, and go back to drinking milk (which I had been off of since my last bout with c-diff). 

My regular endocrine doctor is back from vacation, and his office called today to say that my tumor-marker numbers are still HORRENDOUSLY high.  Supposed to be near zero, and mine is now "lowered" to 137, after radiation.  That's NOT good.  The radiation was supposed to kill everything - resulting in ZILCHO (or near zilcho) tumor marker.  This has him "scratching his head", according to Leanne, the very friendly nurse who has been communicating with me.  There are three scenarios that may be causing such crazy numbers:

Scenario #1: The Marquette lab just plain old sucks, and is out and out wrong.  To determine if this is the case, I will be travelling five hours round trip for a five minute blood poke tomorrow.   That way we can compare my original blood work taken at Marshfield (which was high, but not THAT high) to THIS bloodwork, that will also be processed in the Marshfield lab.  Comparing apples to apples, so to speak.  My doctor trusts the Marshfield lab.  He's not so sure about the Marquette lab.   This is the best scenario by far, and so I'm hoping it's what is going on.

Scenario #2:  I am one of the 15%-20% of people who make a specific "antibody" in response to thyroglobulin (the tumor marker), which whacks out the results of the thyroglobulin test... giving numbers that are either falsely high or low.  This is a likely scenario, given that two of my three blood tests (the ones from Marquette)  have shown high levels of this antibody... but  the doctor doesn't quite trust the results.  See scenario #1.  If this is the case, then the easiest, most sure-fire way to ensure that the cancer has gone away and stays away - doing a blood test and looking for the tumor marker - is not an option for me.  Don't know what other options they use to see if the cancer really is gone, if I do happen to be antibody positive.   Should probably look in to that, but am hoping that scenario #1 really is the case, and I don't have to.

Scenario #3: Worst case scenario; the cancer is not the typical, slow-growing type, but a much more aggressive form.  This can happen in about 10-15% of cases.  My original pathology report did not do testing to determine a subtype, and did not do the genetic testing necessary to determine if the cancer is the more aggressive form. So that little bit of crucial information is unknown (again, thank you Marquette).    This more aggressive form of cancer is a possibility, given the extensive spread in the neck that showed up in the PET scan, but it is not definitive.  We just don't know yet.  So we rule out scenarios 1 and 2 first, and hope that one of them is the case, and not scenario 3. 

So, unsettling.  I keep waiting of for the "good news" phone call that I thought I'd gotten a few weeks back.  The REALLY good news.  "All scans and bloodwork say that cancer is GONE."  But we haven't gotten that yet.  Just lots of vague, weird things, and questions that still need to be answered.  So, we wait, and pray, and drive five hours, and get more pokes... but in the meantime, I work on getting stronger, and back to work and resuming normal life. 

And try not to think about things too much. 

ADDENDUM:
Got new lab results back from Marshfield.  Scenario #1 is at least partly true.  Marquette's lab results were an order of magnitude off.  Which... thank goodness.  No mention of antibodies in these new lab results, so I'm guessing Scenario #2 is out of the equation.  My tumor marker thyroglobulin number did, however, go UP instead of DOWN after radiation.  And is still too high.  Went up to 39 from 30.  Supposed to be zero.  Normal range of a person with a full thyroid is 30.  I don't have a thyroid.  Something is making all that thyroglobulin, and that fact doesn't rule out dreaded scenario #3.  And yesterday I spoke with the physician who did my original thyroidectomy.  He assured me that he was thorough in removing every last little bit of normal thyroid tissue, because the thyroid was encapsulated.  "I didn't hack through thyroid and leave any behind," he said.  "I got so close, and was so thorough about removing it, that I paralyzed your laryngeal nerve, remember?"  But, I told him, I WANT there to be normal tissue left behind, elevating my Tg number.  That's the reassuring scenario.  "But it's not the case," he said.  "I'm sure of it.  I got it all."  And the hot spots on my strap muscles and trachea and esophagus and lymph nodes?  "That wasn't from normal thyroid tissue left behind, I can tell you that.  I don't know why they're lighting up, but your thyroid came all the way out.  It wasn't stuck to anything but that nerve."    So... don't know what to think about that little bit of info.  

We're entrenched in "wait and see" mode.  I go back in a few weeks for more blood work, and hopefully this time the thyroglobulin will be acting as it should, and decreasing instead of increasing.  Hopefully, by then, I will not be so exhausted all the time, and will have started losing some weight, and won't have this annoying cough and dry mouth.  Hopefully this all has been "recovery phase" and not "you're not done with this cancer thing yet" phase.  Still waiting for the ultimate good news, that it's all behind me.

In the meantime, I'll continue to try not to think about it.