On Grief

Among our happy Christmas preparations, we were hit suddenly and unexpectedly by GRIEF.  The world is full of grief, I've lost several family members in the past few months, I see grief around me everywhere.  But for our children, for my husband, this one hit the closest to home.  Little pup Fergie died, accidentally plowed into a snowbank by my husband.  We're guessing she died of hypothermia.  And the family is devastated.  Rob - in addition to losing a dog he truly loved - feels guilty.  I have reassured him it was an accident, but that doesn't make him feel any better.  The kids go in waves - one minute they're fine, the next they're crying for 45 minutes solid.  It hits them suddenly, when the dog they assume will be there suddenly isn't, and they remember why.   

 

We had a little "laying to rest" service for this pup.  We had the kids spend some time alone with her before hand, to say their goodbyes.  They pet her, and cried.  We all cried.  We shared memories, and cried some more. 

My mom said "kids are resilient, they'll be just fine.  Just don't let them wallow in it and make it a big deal."  My mother in law said "we wouldn't have handled it like this when I was a kid.  My dad would just have thrown it in a hole out back and be done with it."  When they were younger, the last dog we lost, we didn't let them see her.  Rob just quietly buried her out in the woods and was done with it.  But this dog is different, and we wanted to handle it differently.

We wanted them to grieve.

In this world of easy violence - video games and movies, and sterile "choices" that do not equate to PEOPLE DYING FOR REAL - we wanted them to see death.  We wanted them to know that death is a part of life.  We wanted them to know that death hurts, and people FEEL IT.  A dog doesn't just disappear into the woods and is gone.  She is dead.  Know what this is.  Don't wallow and perseverate.  But we wanted them to feel what death feels like to those left behind.  It's part of being human, to hurt because of love for another.  And we didn't want to take that away from them, even in the interest of "sparing their feelings".   And Fergie allowed us that opportunity in a way that was very, very sad, but not overwhelming.  They didn't lose a grandparent or a sibling, or a parent.  They lost a dog.  They can process her loss, learn from that process, and move on.  They can learn how to grieve, and not be scarred by it, but better people for it.  Because now they KNOW that death doesn't just mean "disappearing" like it does in the movies or on the videogame.  They know what death looks like, and feels like, for real.

Through experiencing death, they learn the value of life.

So thank you, Fergie, for giving that opportunity to my children through your death. 

Rest In Peace.

Pondering on Beauty

Last night, my daughter and I went to Tchaikovsky's "The Nutcracker".  I wasn't sure how her limited attention span would handle two hours of ballet and NO TALKING.  But I needn't have worried.  She loved it, and was in rapt attention the whole time. 

"Why aren't they talking?" she whispered at the start of the opening act.  "There's no talking.  They're telling the whole story with their dance.  See?  You know what's going on because they're dancing!"  And she did.  Understood the whole story through costumes and movement and facial expression.  As she cuddled up next to me, and oohed and aaahed, I was happy. 

The set design was fabulous.  The dancing was fabulous.  The costumes were lush and fabulous.  The music was beautiful.  And the thought crossed my mind.  "LOOK WHAT HUMANS ARE CAPABLE OF!!!"   Look at what beauty can be created when the best and brightest of ourselves is put to such tasks.  I very nearly teared up several times, swept away by the  beauty of it all. 

THIS is the image of God.  All that is love, and good, and beauty.  THIS is what draws us towards our Perfection.  Why we spend so much time and effort on the ugly parts of ourselves, why Hollywood glorifies the ugly parts of ourselves, why the world wallows in depravity, I don't understand.  We shouldn't ignore our weaknesses, but we shouldn't glorify them either.  We should strive towards the best of ourselves.  That part which truly IS the image and likeness of God. 

Beauty. 

There is God in beauty.

I'm Learning This

"Be a Catholic: When you kneel before an altar, do it in such a way that others may be able to recognize that you know before whom you kneel."
— St. Maximilian Kolbe

What I Needed to Hear Today: From Pope Benedict XVI

"If you stay united with Christ, each one of you will be able to do great things. This is why, dear friends, you must not be afraid to dream with your eyes open to important projects of good, and you must not let yourselves be discouraged by difficulties. Christ has confidence in you and wants you to be able to realize all your most noble and lofty dreams of genuine happiness. Nothing is impossible for those who trust in God and entrust themselves to Him."

Eye on the Prize

It astounds me how fragile I am.  Astounds and frightens me.  How easily overwhelmed I get with things that are not, in the big scheme of things, all that tragic or devastating. 

My boys have started middle school, and it has thrown our world asunder. 

The addition in our lives of excessive homework, and activities, and GIRLS, electronics,  sassiness, and short attention spans - general pre-puberty -  has thrown my delicately balanced world out of whack, and our family is firmly now in uncharted territory.  I have subsequently turned into a parent that I don't recognize and certainly don't like.  My current approach of barking, yelling, screaming, crying, and punishing makes life fun for no one, and furthermore... doesn't WORK.  I saw a quote on a t-shirt the other day that summed up my attitude succinctly.  It said "The beatings will continue until morale improves".  Yes.  That is what I'm doing.  I've become completely unraveled.

I think it's a reaction partly to feeling out of control.  I can't make good decisions for them.  I can't get into their heads and make them care about things they just don't care about, even though I want to so badly.  As their responsibility level increases dramatically, my control level decreases dramatically.  And left to their own devices, I see one boy struggle,  drowning in the sea of it, and one boy swim.  One flails his arms and keeps his head just barely above water, and one gives up and sinks without a fight.  And I.... I take it all on myself.  My failings as a mother, that I have not instilled the proper sisu in this child for him to live up to his potential.   And he has SO MUCH potential.  What am I doing wrong?

Of course, I know what I'm doing wrong.  I'm not supporting him in a way that I would want to be supported, that he deserves to be supported.   I am being an anchor, not a life ring.   I am berating him.  And punishing him.  And humiliating him, in an effort to try to get him to CARE.  I AM being a horrible mother, pushing him in all the wrong ways.  Yesterday, he looked at me and said "I get it Mom.  I'm a failure".  NO!!!  No you're not!!!  You are an awesome kid, and I'm so sorry I'm making you feel like you're a failure, but you're NOT, and I want you to realize you're not and ACT like you're not!!!  So I've failed not once, but twice... once for not preparing him for this challenge in life, and once more for making him feel horrible about his failure. 

We tear each other down far too readily, instead of building each other up.  In the grand scheme of things, the ultimate goal is not to pass the sixth grade.  The ultimate goal is to grow these children into virtuous Christian men who are strong enough, and humble enough, to accept the gift of Salvation.  The goal is to get these children to "the other side".  This sixth grade thing is a blip on the radar screen, a challenge to grow from, not be conquered by.  And I am letting it effect our entire lives, my entire sense of self-worth as a mother and wife, and the tension is literally tearing our family apart.    Good GRIEF.  Sixth grade. 

What would happen if something truly devastating happened to us???  That scares me, because I see how poorly I'm handling this situation.  This petty-in-the-big-scheme-of-things problem. 

Time for an attitude adjustment, and a new approach, because this family is stronger than the sixth grade.  And it is far more important than the sixth grade, too. 

Quote of the Day: Discerning God's Will

There is a defect here that needs to be recognized and avoided: finding ourselves in darkness about God’s will on an important question . . . we spend so much time searching and doubting or getting discouraged, that we neglect things that are God’s will for us every day, like being faithful to prayer, maintaining trust in God, loving the people around us here and now. Lacking answers about the future, we should prepare to receive them by living today to the full."— Fr. Jacques Philippe

A Thought on Purgatory, for All Souls Day. By C.S. Lewis

Our souls demand Purgatory, don't they? Would it not break the heart if God said to us, 'It is true, my son, that your breath smells and your rags drip with mud and slime, but we are charitable here and no one will upbraid you with these things, nor draw away from you. Enter into the joy'? Should we not reply, 'With submission, sir, and if there is no objection, I'd rather be cleaned first.' 'It may hurt, you know' -- 'Even so, sir.'   

  C.S. Lewis From "Letters to Malcom: Chiefly on Prayer".

This is Very Cool: C.S. Lewis Doodle-ized

Quote of the Day, Because Padre Pio knows what I need to hear.....

"Don't spend your energies on things that generate worry, anxiety and anguish. Only one thing is necessary: Lift up your spirit, and love God."
— St. Padre Pio

Quote of the Day: Tertullian, Circa AD 200

"The Law found more than it lost when Christ said, ‘Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven’ (Matthew 5:44-45). This most important commandment summarizes in a word the universal discipline of patience, since it does not allow us to do evil even to people who deserve it."
— Tertullian

St. Ignatius of Antioch, on Faith and Love

From his letter to the Ephesians:

None of these things is hid from you, if ye perfectly possess that faith and love towards Christ Jesus(10) which are the beginning and the end of life. For the beginning is faith, and the end is love.(11) Now these two. being inseparably connected together,(12) are of God, while all other things which are requisite for a holy life follow after them. No man [truly] making a profession of faith sinneth;(13) nor does he that possesses love hate any one. The tree is made manifest by its fruit;(15) so those that profess themselves to be Christians shall be recognised by their conduct. For there is not now a demand for mere profession,(16) but that a man be found continuing in the power of faith to the end.

Quote of the Day: Faith and Love

"Faith and love are like the blind man’s guides. They will lead you along a path unknown to you, to the place where God is hidden."
— St. John of the Cross

Quote of the Day, Benedict Edition

"Our first duty, therefore, precisely in order to heal this world, is to be holy, configured to God; in this way we emanate a healing and transforming power that also acts on others, on history. . . In this regard, it us useful to reflect that the Twelve Apostles were not perfect men, chosen for their moral and religious irreproachability. They were indeed believers, full of enthusiasm and zeal but at the same time marked by their human limitations, which were sometimes even serious. Therefore Jesus did not call them because they were already holy, complete, perfect, but so that they might become so, so that they might thereby also transform history, as it is for us, as it is for all Christians."

Quote of the Day: JP2 - Because I love this.

"Faith and reason are like two wings on which the human spirit rises to the contemplation of truth; and God has placed in the human heart a desire to know the truth—in a word, to know Himself—so that, by knowing and loving God, men and women may also come to the fullness of truth about themselves."
— Pope St. John Paul II

and one more quote today, because I NEEDED to hear this....

"We live in a fallen world. We must therefore work out our destiny under the conditions created by sin. Did we but realize this truth, we would accept each of life’s trying changes in the same spirit in which we accept the penance from the confessor. Were we truly convinced that our hope of pardon, and consequently our salvation, depends upon repentance, we would willingly undergo all the sufferings of life’s warfare."
— John A. Kane

The World We Live In

Last year, I wanted to take a six year old to meet a Disney Princess.  There are LOTS of Disney Princesses, in several different places, all that accommodate thousands of people per day.  And yet, even though I began six full months in advance, it took me months and months of daily checking to book a reservation for an hour long dinner costing hundreds of dollars.   Inside a park I'd already spent hundreds of dollars to get into.  All to see some random woman dressed up like a make-believe princess. 

This morning, I was given a reservation to stand in the presence of THE Apostle Peter, the actual bones of the man who stood in the presence of THE Christ, incarnation of the everlasting GOD OF THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE.  It took one email, and $30 for the two of us, to be one of only 250 people per day allowed to do such a thing.  UNBELIEVABLE.

I'm so excited to crawl under the Vatican into the ancient catacombs to see the burial place of the man who holds the keys to Heaven.   It still seems surreal that this whole thing is going to happen!!!





CONFIRMATION of the VISIT of the Necropolis under the Basilica of St. Peter.

{giubileo2016}

Aho Monica
The visit takes place beneath the Vatican basilica at the tomb of the Apostle Peter; the itinerary of the visit, besides offering cultural and historical information, is a pilgrimage to one of the holiest sites in Christendom.
The rules written under NOTICES must be respected, even if they are different from other places in the Vatican.

DAY OF THE VISIT
Protocol / Reference No. 77851 Guest Aho Monica
Visit Saturday, June 04, 2016
Receipt No. 34176

_______________________________________________________

hour 09:00 - Visitors / Visitors No. 2 - Language: English


WOOOOOO HOOOOOO!!!!

A Moment

So, faith formation starts tomorrow, and I'm taking over the Kindergarten/1st grade combined class.  I stopped by the church to set up the closet classroom.  Luckily, the church was unlocked, so the kids and I barged inside, in the un-quiet way that we always do.    And then we STOPPED.

There, lying prostate on the floor, in front of the altar, deep in prayer adoring Our Lord in the form of a consecrated Eucharist, was Deacon Tom.  All by himself.  I shushed the kids and hurried them down the stairs before we could interrupt him further.

Such an intimate moment.  But this is why I LOVE St. Anne's. 

These people are for REAL.

There's no show of devotion.  It's not a performance.  It's not that we respect this space during "show time", when there's mass on Sunday, and then the rest of the time it's just a building.  It's SACRED, this house of God.  ALL THE TIME.  Because Christ is here, in a very special way, in this place.  Yes, He's everywhere.  But here.... He's here in a very physical, tangible way.  It's HIS house.  Holy.  And everyone treats it as such. 

I noticed that as I was being given a tour by last year's faith formation teacher.  We were walking back and forth in the sanctuary, getting from the classroom to the fellowship hall several times.  And EVERY TIME, every single time, she blessed herself with holy water and then genuflected in front of the tabernacle.  And we must've gone back and forth like 5 times.  I followed suit, but honestly only because she did.  I would've probably done it once, and figured that I'd done my job.  But she didn't.  It was automatic for her, but also reverent.  She acknowledged His presence continually, because He was there.  And it's His house.

This is new to me, being surrounded by people who really KNOW what they're doing and why.  Who really SEE what actually happens, not just on a physical level, but a spiritual one as well.  Surrounded by people of such deep faith.  I've been to many churches filled with good people.  People of faith, who love God.  I've never been surrounded by so many HOLY people.  People who recognize the sacred.  It's a whole different thing, this feeling of sacredness.    Reverence.  We don't see that much in today's society.  We really don't.  And I'm still getting used to it, because it's palpable in every square inch of this church.

Such a small parish, and yet two of it's young men are looking into the Priesthood.  One, at 18 years old, is applying for seminary right now.  Given the shortage of priests, the fact that two are from THIS place is rather astounding.  But the very first time I was there, I knew that kid was going to be a priest.  Just watching him worship, even though nothing he did was for show.  I could tell because of his REVERENCE during mass.  How he never took his eyes off the alter.  He never fidgeted, never looked around at the people.  People aren't why he's there. Just totally living every single moment of the mass, soaking up it's holiness, with every inch of him.  You can see it outwardly.

 There was a young college student a few years back that I remembered celebrating Mass like that, too, and I told Rob at the time "that kid is going to become a priest".  Sure enough... six years later, he's in seminary.  They nearly glow, these young men being called.  It radiates from them outwardly, unmistakably. 

It makes me think that we might not be in the presence of merely good people, which we are.  But that we might honestly be surrounded by SAINTS, and that's something on a whole different level.  And crazy to think about. 

A Confession, and a really, really long rant.

The world is changing quickly.  Relativism is in full, unadulterated swing.  Promiscuity, pornography, hedonism is "normal and healthy".   "Tolerance" means being accepting of anyone's harmful behavior, instead of loving them in to health.  The purpose of life is to either get the most stuff, or to have the most fun.  Nature is god, instead of a reflection of THE GOD.   Gender is a choice rather than a biological fact.   Marriage is just "living legally with whoever turns me on".  Abortion is a medical procedure removing a few cells.  People who believe in the historic definition of family as it has been defined for millennia throughout all of human history are now classified as "bigots".  The world has been turned on its head.  Right is wrong and wrong is right.  It's head-spinning and mind-blowing, and I feel like I'm constantly on the defense to keep myself and my family's feet on the ground and right side up.  To teach them to see the world through eyes that KNOW right from wrong, good from bad, love from hate.  To not buy into what the world is throwing at them.  Because it is death.  And through all of that, like a drowning woman at sea, I have clung to the one thing that does not change with the storm: Christ and His church.  That  unchanging, solid rock that sees the TRUTH, and unashamedly preaches TRUTH, and reaches out with TRUTH as a beacon to the world.  When all the world goes mad.  It truly feels like we're on the defense against encroaching darkness, and that those who are brave enough to fight with us are dwindling. 

Enter Pope Francis, who has been visiting the United States.  Everyone's all excited, and at first I was, too.  He would be here to encourage us and lead us, and let us know that HE knows what we're fighting.  HE knows that we're standing strong.  And that he supports us and will lead the charge.  That was my expectation.  He was finally speaking directly to us, in English - without the filters of media and translators.  He couldn't be taken out of context, twisted, mistranslated.  FINALLY.  Here was Papa to set things straight, I thought as I brought C-Span up on my computer to follow anxiously along.  FINALLY.

And instead, during that speech to Congress, we got vagueness.  And climate change.  And immigration.  And abolition of the death penalty. Not unimportant things, but not THE IMPORTANT, FUNDAMENTAL THINGS.  No the fundamental reality of the world that puts everything in perspective.   And I was so so so disappointed. 

What I was thinking when the Pope mentioned the value of human life, and then proceeded to talk about capital punishment:  Thirty-two people were executed in the US in 2014.  32.  Guilty people, murderers, who spent anywhere from 8 to 30 years fighting to overturn their sentences, given a trial and a chance.  And then given an injection so that they could painlessly "fall asleep" in the most humane way possible. Whether you are for or against the death penalty, I cannot fathom how that compares to the wholesale slaughter of abortion, which murders over 1,000 INNOCENT children EVERY DAY.  Every damn day.  Over 805,000 abortions every year in this country alone.  And not given a peaceful demise, but skulls smashed in, limbs ripped off, horrific dismemberment, and then parts sold afterwards.  Innocent children - not given a trial, a voice, or a chance.   Yet the Holy Father only vaguely implied the life is sacred at every stage of development, and then spent several minutes decrying capital punishment. 

What ran through my head when he talked about immigration: He spoke about the US being a nation of immigrants, and of course it is.  EVERYONE is for immigration.  The discussion should be whether there should be a system for immigration to be done legally and efficiently instead of illegally (as it is now). 

What I wanted to yell at the computer when he talked about climate change:  We are stewards of our planet.  And we need to be good stewards.  But if we don't allow the responsible use of resources, then we can't address another pressing issue facing our country, and that is poverty.  People, and the dignity that comes through honest work and self-sufficiency, need to be part of the equation.  There needs to be a balance there, because stifling regulations on business protects trees over people, and unfettered capitalism protects people over trees.  And let's face it.  Jesus didn't die for nature.  He died for US.    The planet is the gift that sustains us, but the thing that was purchased in Christ's blood was humanity.

What made me just want to cry :  Vague implications on the "value of the family".  And that's it.  That's IT.  Didn't we just have some kind of MAJOR redefinition of something pertaining to family just recently here???  And why was there an openly gay and famous man doing the first reading at a PAPAL MASS celebrated in front of thousands and televised the world over????

I'm not trying to nitpick what the man said.  It's not like I'm wanting him to champion only my specific causes.   But I just felt like these struggles in the culture war got ignored, and he focused on things that, while important, aren't THE IMPORTANT FUNDAMENTAL THINGS.  Family.  Life.  The purpose of humanity.  If you're not allowed the gift of life, and knowing what that life is for, then those other things are secondary.  How can we even talk about the environment or poverty, when people aren't even allowed to LIVE?

So, the result?  I was in a funk.  A colossal funk for days.  A disheartened wretch who had troubles sleeping, couldn't watch anything pertaining to the rest of his visit, and was generally miserable to myself and my family.  Papa, do you not see us?  We're trying to stand strong.  We're trying to be faithful.  We're trying to raise our children to see light and truth in this crazy, darkening world... can't you SEE us?  Can't you speak for US?  Champion US?  We need you!!  And we need you to be strong, and clear and unafraid!!  We're here, and we're fighting in our own little ways, a thousand battles every day, and sometimes - a lot of times - it feels like we are losing ground.   We're not "conservatives".  We're not "traditionalists".  We're simply people who actually believe what the Church teaches, and try to live it out in our daily lives.   Doesn't that just make us... I don't know.... Catholic?  And aren't you the vicar of Christ on earth?  Aren't YOU the head Catholic??  Then why are you catering to THEM instead of US? 

 And so, on Saturday night, stewing in my funkiness, I knew I couldn't attend Mass in the morning until I had resolved these feelings, until I got right with God again.  So I prayed.  And cried.  And prayed some more.... that God would help me understand, and get rid of these feelings of being abandoned and let down. 

And God, in His goodness, answered me. He always does, when I ask.  And, as He usually does, He answered in a way that was startling and humbling.  Amongst my inner rantings and churning emotions,  I very clearly heard these words: "‘Son, you ^[j]have always been with me, and all that is mine is yours. ³² But we had to celebrate and rejoice, for this brother of yours was dead and has begun to live, and was lost and has been found.’”

Oh.  The words jolted me into quiet, as I processed that. 

Pope Francis is Christ's representative on Earth.  And Christ is not Catholic.  God is not the Father of just me and ours.  He is the Father of all.  The Father of humanity.  And He is reaching out, searching, trying to draw in to Himself anyone in darkness, anyone confused or lost.  Reaching to them where they are right now, to draw them closer.   So yeah, that might mean for the time being that ignorant people rejoice that the "Pope is no longer Catholic".  They'd be wrong, so I need to not worry about their misconceptions.  But they're listening to him.  They're paying attention to him.  They're SEEING A MASS, in front of thousands of people at Madison Square Gardens, televised for all the world to see, and being awed by it's ancient beauty.  Maybe, just maybe, this Pope gets them to search a little bit deeper about what this Christ guy is all about.  Maybe, once they search, they FIND.  

Once again.  It's not about me.  Go figure.

And God still loves me, too.  I'm not abandoned.  But I'm also not lost. 

Quote Of The Day

"Keep to the ancient way and custom of the Church, established and confirmed by so many Saints under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit. And live a new life. Pray, and get others to pray, that God not abandon His Church, but reform it as He pleases, and as He sees best for us, and more to His honour and glory."
— St. Angela Merici

Quote of the Day: Silence. Don't forget the Silence.

"The fruit of silence is prayer, the fruit of prayer is faith, the fruit of faith is love, the fruit of love is service, the fruit of service is peace."
Blessed Teresa of Calcutta

Chesterton, on Motherhood

"How can it be a large career to tell other people’s children about the arithmetic, and a small career to tell one’s own children about the universe? How can it be broad to be the same thing to everyone, and narrow to be everything to someone? No; a woman’s function is laborious, but because it is gigantic, not because it is minute. I will pity Mrs. Jones for the hugeness of her task; I will never pity her for its smallness."--G.K. Chesterton

Quote of the Day: Jerome LeJeune on Down's Syndrome

Jerome Lejeune is the geneticist who identified Trisomy 21, Down's Syndrome.  92% of children with Down's Syndrome are aborted.  NINETY TWO PERCENT.  Innocent children slaughtered, as the result of one single test.  Because they are not perfect.  In light of recent legislation in Ohio seeking to ban abortions when a diagnosis of Down's Syndrome is made in utero, I think it's appropriate to hear from Dr. Lejeune himself.  With this, I whole heartedly, 1000% agree.

“It cannot be denied that the price of these diseases is high—in suffering for the individual and in burdens for society. Not to mention what parents suffer! But we can assign a value to that price: It is precisely what a society must pay to remain fully human.”

and further....

“It is not medicine we should fear, but the folly of mankind. Every day, the experience of our predecessors increases our ability to change nature by using his own laws. But using this power wisely is what each generation must learn in its turn. We are certainly more powerful today than ever before, but we are not wiser: Technology is cumulative, wisdom is not;”

“We need to be clear : the quality of a civilization can be measured by the respect it has for the weakest members. There is no other criterion.”

Not one of us is perfect.  Not a single one. And yet, it is through our imperfections that the love of Christ is made whole.  Through those in need that others learn to give.  What happens to our humanity when no one needs another?    When we're all perfect and self-sustaining?  Humanity is a tribe, an interconnected organism, even though we are individuals.  What does it do to our humanity, our ability to love, unconditionally, when we participate in a genocide to wipe out those that are imperfect?  And then tell ourselves we're doing it "to be kind", to "put the child out of it's misery?"  I've mused on this before at length here.

Heart breaking.  These are HUMAN BEINGS.  Precious children of God, who deserve a right to life as much as any other child.

Boiling it Down, Bonaventure Style

THIS.... is clarity.  St. Bonaventure and St. Paul.  Thank you.

"Three things are necessary to everyone: truth of faith which brings understanding, love of Christ which brings compassion, and endurance of hope which brings perseverance."
— St. Bonaventure

Third Quote of the Day!

One more. Quote of the Day:

"A river must be happier than a swamp because it has banks and boundaries; a swamp is a valley of liberty that lost its shores and became liberal. Liberty is no heirloom. It requires the daily bread of self denial, the salt of law and, above all, the backbone of acknowledging responsibility for our deeds."
~Archbishop Fulton Sheen

Chuckle of The Day. Bacon.

Quote Of The Day

Quote of the Day

"The world offers you comfort. But you were not made for comfort. You were made for greatness."
Pope Benedict XVI

Quote Of the Day

"I will glory not because I am righteous, but because I am redeemed; I will glory not because I am free from sins, but because my sins are forgiven me. I will not glory because I have done good nor because someone has done good to me, but because Christ is my advocate with the Father and because the blood of Christ has been shed for me."
— St. Ambrose

Quote Of The Day

“Bad times, hard times, this is what people keep saying; but let us live well, and times shall be good. We are the times: Such as we are, such are the times.”  
St. Augustine of Hippo

Quote Of The Day

“In an age that has thrown off all tradition, the only rebellion possible is orthodoxy.”

 Dr. Peter Kreeft

Quote of the Day: Abundantly True

On what was a completely normal Sunday yesterday, feeling perfectly fine, my uncle Mike took the garbage out for his wife, and then walked into the bathroom.  Then he fell to the ground, dead. 

This was the quote for today for my morning offering, and it couldn't be more true:

"Act as if everyday were the last of your life, and each action the last you perform."
— St. Alphonsus Liguori

Because it very well could be. 

Struck

"All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle."

-St. Francis

Sometimes a thought blind-sides you. 

At church today, Father Ben was doing on homily on marriage, in response to the recent ruling by the Supreme Court on Obergefell vs Hodges.  He was talking about the difference between legal and moral.... ever-increasingly, these are not the same thing at all.  And how we as Christians have an obligation to know what true marriage is, and live it to it's fullest, as a beacon to our ever-darkening world.  The family is being attacked from all angles.   He mentioned how the Supreme Court once upheld slavery as constitutional.  Obviously, the Supreme Court can be immoral and wrong, as it was also in Roe vs Wade.   Father Ben read a short message from the Bishop, which stated the following:  "We will continue to proclaim the truth about marriage. God created men and women to be different but complementary; this fact is at the heart of marriage. It is through the one-flesh union of marriage that children are brought into the world to, preferably, be raised by their own parents. Marriage is the safeguard of families, which is the smallest, but most important unit of society".    The Church needs to be strong.  Christians need not be afraid to live according to the only law that really matters.

So, later, we said the Nicene Creed, and it just hit me like a ton of bricks. We were taking an oath. All of us together, in unison, standing firm.  Together, against the gathering darkness of the secular world.  WE BELIEVE.  It felt like that moment in Dead Poet's Society, where the kids all stand on their desks saying "O Captain, my Captain".  Something like that - only more profound.  I felt such unity, such a sense of brotherhood with my fellow Christians, who all over the world, were professing on this very morning this same Creed.  We are children of God.  We have not forgotten.  We know to Whom we belong.  We are not afraid.    I was so struck by the thought, it hit me so hard, that I cried through the entire creed.  I've said the words thousands and thousands of times.  Today, I felt the words like never before.  We are followers of Christ, and we will stand strong. 

I believe in one God, the Father Almighty,
Maker of heaven and earth, and of all things visible and invisible.
And in one Lord Jesus Christ, the only-begotten Son of God, begotten of the Father before all worlds; God of God, Light of Light, very God of very God;  begotten, not made, being of one substance with the Father, by whom all things were made. Who, for us men for our salvation, came down from heaven,  and was incarnate by the Holy Spirit of the virgin Mary, and was made man; and was crucified also for us under Pontius Pilate; He suffered and was buried;  and the third day He rose again, according to the Scriptures; and ascended into heaven, and sits on the right hand of the Father; and He shall come again, with glory, to judge the quick and the dead; whose kingdom shall have no end. And I believe in the Holy Ghost, the Lord and Giver of Life;who proceeds from the Father and the Son; who with the Father and the Son together is worshipped and glorified; who spoke by the prophets. And I believe one holy catholic and apostolic Church.
I acknowledge one baptism for the remission of sins;
 and I look for the resurrection of the dead, and the life of the world to come.

 Amen.

Coincedence?

Yesterday, the Supreme Court ruled in favor of legalizing same-sex marriage on a national level.  Today's gospel reading is this:

Today's Reading: Luke 10:13-20

13 "Woe to you, Chorazin! woe to you, Bethsaida! for if the mighty works done in you had been done in Tyre and Sidon, they would have repented long ago, sitting in sackcloth and ashes. 14 But it shall be more tolerable in the judgment for Tyre and Sidon than for you. 15 And you, Capernaum, will you be exalted to heaven? You shall be brought down to Hades. 16 "He who hears you hears me, and he who rejects you rejects me, and he who rejects me rejects him who sent me."
17 The seventy returned with joy, saying, "Lord, even the demons are subject to us in your name!" 18 And he said to them, "I saw Satan fall like lightning from heaven. 19 Behold, I have given you authority to tread upon serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy; and nothing shall hurt you. 20 Nevertheless do not rejoice in this, that the spirits are subject to you; but rejoice that your names are written in heaven."



We have some heavy repenting to do as a nation.  Lord, have mercy on us. 

Quote Of The Day: St. Thomas More

"The ordinary acts we practice every day at home are of more importance to the soul than their simplicity might suggest."
— St. Thomas More

Just Want to Remember

A few things lately, that I just want to write down and remember:

Little Miss Reagan, sitting on my lap after dinner with Father Ben, shyly asking him if he would bless our house and do the rosary with us at our prayer table.  Then, later, over a piece of blueberry cheesecake, declaring loudly that "THE DEVIL CAN'T SCARE ME!  JESUS IS STRONGER!"  And Father Ben, stopping mid-sentence in his unrelated conversation with Rob, turning to her and saying "Not only is He stronger, but He's already won!"

So sweet.

--------------------------------
My aunt out of the blue sent me a care package not so long ago.  It contained my grandmother's pearl necklace, my other aunt's letter "M" necklace, and my grandfather's rosary.  Both my aunt Margie and my grandpa Carl had died long before I was born, and grandma died when I was 5 or 6.    I was so touched that my aunt would send these precious items to me of all people; we have a very big family, plus Aunt Mary has two kids and several grandkids of her own.  And yet, she shared these things with me,  the niece she rarely sees or talks to.  Just really nice and thoughtful.


I don't know a whole lot about my grandpa.  I know he was a miner, and played the fiddle.  I know his rugged face with it's sharp angles, because of the faded black and white picture that hung on our walls growing up.  I know that he was tall and thin, and was in a band, and that he liked to laugh and tease.  He was a hard-drinking smoker, who died too early of lung disease caused by a hard life in the mines and mountains of north Idaho.  "But Dad was very devout," my mother told me.  "I remember him going to church by himself, and then coming back home to pick up the rest of us, and going again.  I remember him on his knees leading the rosary with our family every night during lent.  And going to midnight Mass on Christmas eve." 

  So during first Friday adoration last weekend, I took my grandpa's rosary to use.  It's black and silver, obviously old, but well-made.  It has a little brown pouch to hold it.  It was Saturday, so I was meditating on the Joyful mysteries, about Jesus' birth and childhood.  And I just felt so close to this man I'd never met.  I had this distinct image in  my mind's eye of Grandpa Carl and I both kneeling in front of the manger, adoring the baby Jesus.  And it was so nice, to be there together with him, sharing the experience.  Such a cool thing, "being" with him, a man I'd always wondered about but had never met. 

Just a really cool experience, "meeting" my grandfather this way, and I want to remember it. 

Wrapping My Brain Around Suffering

"To love God’s will in consolations is a good love when it is truly God’s will we love and not the consolation wherein it lies. Still, it is a love without opposition, repugnance, or effort. Who would not love so worthy a will in so agreeable a form? To love God’s will in His commandments, counsels, and inspirations is the second degree of love and it is much more perfect. It carries us forward to renounce and give up our own will, and enables us to abstain from and forbear many pleasures, but not all of them. To love suffering and affliction out of love for God is the summit of most holy charity. In it nothing is pleasant but the divine will alone; there is great opposition on the part of our nature; and not only do we forsake all pleasures, but we embrace torments and labors."
— St. Francis de Sales


I have struggled with the idea of suffering - why it happens, why it's needed, how it purifies a soul. In my limited brain, I have to make things analogous in order to understand.  So, I think of the suffering of childbirth (grit and bear it, but it's worth the child in the end).  I think of the suffering of boot camp (grit and bear it, and end up strong and prepared).  I think of suffering as disciplining the spirit, just as a painful run and weight lifting might discipline the body.  But still I struggle with the concept.

I read the quote above by St. Francis De Sales  today, and that helps me.  It's about following God's will.  When we follow God's will, and He's filling us with the Holy Spirit, and we're loving life and all it's beauty, when we're steeped in love and awe... we follow His will, but we get something back.  We feel good.  We get the spiritual high.  We get the warm fuzzies.  We're still following His will, but we get something out of it, too.  It's a win-win.  So that's easy.  We want more, because it's so dang great. 

Then there are rules and precepts like the Ten Commandments.  We follow God's will, but sometimes it's a little hard.  There's not an immediate return.  In the long run, those rules help us to make choices that are in our ultimate best interests as well, but at the moment the choice is made.... no reward.  In my analogous mind, this is like dieting.  I deny myself the ice cream sundae, but in the long run I can fit into my swimsuit. I still get something out of it, but it requires discipline before gratification.  It's a different animal.

Finally, there is suffering.  We follow God's will, and it's ALOT hard.  It takes the ultimate self-discipline, the ultimate sacrifice on our part, and yet... there is no reward in this world.  Cancer.  Chronic pain.  Martyrdom.  We do God's will,  we bear God's will, solely out of LOVE OF GOD.  Without any reward for ourselves.    It is self-sacrificing, to the ultimate. Just as Jesus's act of redemption on the cross is self-sacrificing to the ultimate.  If we don't focus on the love of God during our suffering, than it is nothing but horror.  Jesus' murder is nothing but ugliness, evil, and horror if we don't see His love.  That transforms the ultimate ugliness into a thing of beauty - a dying, beaten, bloodied man on a cross is our redemption. If, in our darkest hours, we train ourselves on the bright light that is the love of God, the darkness fades.     This side of heaven, suffering means nothing to us. It useless.  It is horrible and ugly.   THAT side of heaven, however, it means everything.  That we were willing to give, to do, to be ANYTHING out of love for God, to follow His will wherever it brings us, without a thought of ourselves.... that is a purifying of our soul that makes us ready to stand in His presence.  That type of suffering prepares us for Heaven greater than anything on earth.  The great saints knew this.  Some even desired suffering, because they so desired to be ready for Heaven, out of love for God.   Just as Jesus desired the cross for Himself out of love for us. 

I'm trying to understand.

"It is suffering, more than anything else, which clears the way for the grace which transforms human souls. Suffering, more than anything else makes present in the history of humanity the powers of the Redemption."
— Pope St. John Paul II

Quote of The Day. No one says it Like Chesterton

The difficulty of explaining “why I am a Catholic” is that there are ten thousand reasons all amounting to one reason: that Catholicism is true. I could fill all my space with separate sentences each beginning with the words, “It is the only thing that…”

G.K. Chesterton, Why I Am a Catholic

 

The rest of the essay is worth reading.  Click on the link!

 

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“Christian couples should be aware that they are called to sanctity themselves and to sanctify others, that they are called to be apostles and that their first apostolate is in the home. They should understand that founding a family, educating their children, and exercising a Christian influence in society, are supernatural tasks. The effectiveness and the success of their life — their happiness — depends to a great extent on their awareness of their specific mission.”

St. Jose Maria Escriva

Shroud of Turin National Geographic Article

The Shroud is being displayed in Turin right now, and will be for the next 7 weeks. This Shroud fascinates me, as I'm sure it does many billions of people.   National Geographic Italia recently wrote an article about it. 

 

Why Shroud of Turin's Secrets Continue

to Elude Science

As the venerated relic goes on public exhibition, its origin remains a mystery wrapped in an enigma

 

By Frank Viviano, National Geographic

PUBLISHED April 17, 2015              

 

The 53-square-foot rectangle of linen known as the Shroud of Turin is one of the most sacred religious icons on Earth, venerated by millions of Christians as the actual burial garment of Jesus Christ.

It is also among the most fiercely debated subjects in contemporary science, an extraordinary mystery that has defied every effort at solution.

Over the 117 years since a photographic negative of the linen unexpectedly revealed the image of a tortured body, ranks of physicists and chemists have weighed in on the fabric’s age and the image’s composition. Forensic pathologists, microbiologists, and botanists have analyzed its bloodstains, along with specks of dirt and pollen on its surface. Statisticians have combed through mountains of data.

The sum result is a standoff, with researchers unable to dismiss the shroud entirely as a forgery, or prove that it is authentic. “It is unlikely science will provide a full solution to the many riddles posed by the shroud,” Italian physicist Paolo Di Lazzaro, a leading expert on the phenomenon, told National Geographic. “A leap of faith over questions without clear answers is necessary—either the ‘faith’ of skeptics, or the faith of believers.”

On April 19, the shroud goes on public display at Turin’s cathedral for seven weeks, its longest exhibition in modern history.

   

 To readers of the New Testament gospels, the mysterious man of the shroud evokes the slain Christ, complete with signs of scourging, crucifixion, and puncture wounds caused by a crown of thorns. 

The Scientific Record

Scientific inquiry into the shroud began in 1898, with the startling image captured by Italian amateur photographer Secondo Pia. Under normal conditions, only the vague sepia blur of a human body appears on the fabric. But when Pia examined the reverse negative of his photographic plate in the darkroom, he discovered the detailed likeness of a bearded man with visible wounds on his body.

For seven decades, indirect analyses of the image were conducted by researchers, most aimed at determining whether it had been painted onto the linen or produced through contact with a human corpse. It wasn’t until 1969 that scientists were allowed to examine the fabric directly, with the task of advising on preservation techniques and future testing. This set the scene for the establishment of the U.S.-led Shroud of Turin Research Project (STURP), which was granted an unprecedented five days of continuous access to the shroud itself in 1978.

The project’s 33 members ran the gamut of scientific disciplines, and their credentials included high-level posts at 20 major research institutions. They arrived in Turin with seven tons of equipment and worked in shifts 24 hours a day. An associate team of European scientists acted as expert observers.

Their analyses found no sign of artificial pigments. “The Shroud image is that of a real human form of a scourged, crucified man. It is not the product of an artist,” the project’s 1981 report declared. “The blood stains are composed of hemoglobin and also give a positive test for serum albumin.” But the report also conceded that no combination of “physical, chemical, biological or medical circumstances” could adequately account for the image.

The Shroud of Turin, the STURP team concluded, “remains now, as it has in the past, a mystery.”

The Carbon-14 Bombshell

In 1988, the Vatican authorized carbon-14 dating of the shroud. Small samples from a corner of its fabric were sent to labs at the University of Oxford’s Radiocarbon Accelerator Unit (RAU), the University of Arizona, and the Swiss Federal Institute of Technology. All three found that the shroud material dated to the years between 1260 and 1390, more than a millennium after the life and death of the historical Jesus. 
The labs assessed the reliability of their estimate at 95 percent. To make the case even more convincing, the dates closely coincided with the first documented appearance of the Shroud of Turin in 1353.

Since their release 27 years ago, the carbon-14 dating results have become the focal point of the shroud controversy, with a stream of critics taking aim at its methodology and conclusions.

Among the most innovative critiques were those published in 2010 by statisticians Marco Riani, of the University of Parma in Italy, and Anthony Atkinson, of the London School of Economics. In a recent interview with National Geographic, they noted that the laboratories conducting the carbon-14 tests were in full agreement on the ages of control fabrics from an ancient Egyptian mummy, a medieval Nubian tomb, and a medieval French ecclesiastical vestment. Yet raw data from the same tests on the shroud yielded results that differed by more than 150 years.

The published carbon-14 findings were the mean results drawn from the combined data of the three labs. It was assumed that the data were “homogeneous”—near-identical age estimates based on repeated measurements of the samples, each of which had been divided into four segments for testing.

But when computers crunched through all 387,072 ways to cut the samples, they identified a marked pattern of variations. “The dating which comes from a piece at the top edge [of an uncut sample] is very different from the date which comes from a piece taken from the bottom edge,” Riani explains.

“Our research does not prove that the shroud is authentic, nor that it is 2,000 years old,” he cautions. But it does call into question the carbon-14 report’s assertion of “conclusive evidence that the linen of the Shroud of Turin is medieval.”
The Oxford lab insists that the 1988 conclusions were accurate, and rejects arguments that the test samples were flawed.

The Question of Questions

Looming above all other issues is what physicist Paolo Di Lazzaro calls “the question of questions”: how the image was produced, regardless of its age. Every scientific attempt to replicate it in a lab has failed. Its precise hue is highly unusual, and the color’s penetration into the fabric is extremely thin, less than 0.7 micrometers (0.000028 inches), one-thirtieth the diameter of an individual fiber in a single 200-fiber linen thread.
Di Lazzaro and his colleagues at Italy’s National Agency for New Technologies, Energy and Sustainable Economic Development (ENEA) conducted five years of experiments, using state-of-the-art excimer lasers to train short bursts of ultraviolet light on raw linen, in an effort to simulate the image’s coloration. The ENEA team, which published its findings in 2011, came tantalizingly close to approximating the image’s distinctive hue on a few square centimeters of fabric. But they were unable to match all the physical and chemical characteristics of the shroud image. Nor could they reproduce a whole human figure.
The ultraviolet light necessary to do so “exceeds the maximum power released by all ultraviolet light sources available today,” says Di Lazzaro. It would require “pulses having durations shorter than one forty-billionth of a second, and intensities on the order of several billion watts.”

If the most advanced technologies available in the 21st century could not produce a facsimile of the shroud image, he reasons, how could it have been executed by a medieval forger?

For believers, the radiation thesis suggests that a “divine light” in the tomb might have seared the crucified form of Jesus Christ onto the shroud. “One could look at hypotheses outside the realm of science, a sort of miracle,” says Di Lazzaro. “But a miracle cannot be investigated by the scientific method.”

Read the rest by clicking the magazine cover above.

Eucharistic Miracles

So, yesterday I went to Adoration.  This was admittedly maybe the 2nd or 3rd time in my whole life I'd participated in such a thing, and the first time in a church for an entire hour, with only myself and Jesus in the form of a consecrated host present.  It gave me time to pray - the rosary, the liturgy of the hours, and just straight from the heart stuff - and time to meditate.   It was peaceful, there in the quiet church.   Quiet is not a luxury I get to experience very often, and I sometimes forget how powerful it can be. 

I sat there, staring at the host, and then  at the large crucifix above it, at the life-sized statue of Jesus on the cross.  And I got to thinking.  Those two things.  Were they same thing?  Really?  This piece of bread?  My head has examined the evidence time and again.  And I have come to the conclusion, in my head, that... if I believe what the Bible says, if I believe what Jesus himself says in John 6, and I believe what the historical church has taught from it's very inception 2000 years ago, then this most astounding thing is fact.  The bread IS Jesus.  Logically, I know this most illogical thing is truth.  I can't seem to rationalize it away.   Theologically, the Real Presence also makes perfect sense to me.  I've written about it time and again, and I understand that I NEED the real, actual presence and person of Jesus inside of me, so that I may take Him on, so that I may abide in Him as He abides in me.  And I read the Bible, and I see the Old Testament foreshadowing, the preparation, for this most sacred of mysteries, and.... I get it.  In my head, I "get" the Eucharist. 

But it's different when you're there, sitting, in the quiet.  With the bread and the crucifix juxtaposed so closely together.  My head is there.  Is my heart?  Sitting in a quiet church alone can make a person feel close to Jesus.  The stained glass, the candles, the altar, the statues.  All of it.  The house of God, in and of itself, seems to be a little gateway to Heaven.  But it was different with the host exposed.  Honestly, I was a little nervous.  There was a tangible presence there, and even though I consume the host every Sunday, it felt as if I had a private audience with Someone that I'd previously only known in a "group setting".  Silly.  But true.  A first date, if you will.

My time there at adoration made me think back to the Miracle of Lanciano, and the Miracle of Buenos Aires.  1400 years ago, a priest celebrating mass in Italy had similar doubts.  Was this bread REALLY Jesus?  And there, before his eyes, the bread turned into flesh.  And it's still there, sitting in a church in Italy:

In Buenos Aires, in 1996, another Eucharistic Miracle took place in the diocese run by then Bishop Jorge Bergoglio, now Pope Francis.  A host that had fallen to the ground was placed in a glass of water to dissolve.  Instead, it grew into flesh.

 

The scientific studies on both of these occurrences fascinate me.

 In 1971, Odoardo Linoli (an Italian professor of anatomy and pathological histology) studied the Lanciano miracle.  His research was published in "Quaderni Sclavo di Diagnostica Clinica e di Laboratori" at the time.  I have a copy of the full article, in Italian.  Luckily, Google translates things for me.  Dr. Linoli concluded the following:

"A description has been given of the macroscopic aspects of the Flesh and the Blood of the Eucharistic Miracle which happened in Lanciano back in the eighth century.
Histological studies have been carried out with the following results: Flesh is composed of mesodermal tissue and recognizable as heart tissue, myocardium and endocardium.
Several studies on Blood, in particular thin layer chromatography, allowed to recognize it as belonging to Blood.  The human nature of the ancient Blood and Flesh in Lanciano was identified immunologically by Uhlenhuth's zonal precipitation reaction.  The Blood group in elution fluids of the ancient Blood and Flesh is the same in both tissues (AB group).  The electrophoretic tracings of serum proteins of the ancient Blood show quite superimposable pattern to those obtained with a fresh serum.   In the ancient Blood low amounts of sodium, potassium, chloride, non organic phosphorus and magnesium were found while calcium levels were increased."

So, human heart tissue, and blood type AB. 

The Buenos Aires sample was studied by Dr. Frederick Zugibe, an expert in forensic medicine. He found that the sample he was given (he had no idea his sample had come from a consecrated host) could be "identified as a fragment of the heart muscle, which due to the large amount of white blood cells and the inflamed condition of the sample must have been taken from a living heart that had suffered a great stress situation." 

The sample was also studied by Neuropsychopharmacology Physiologist Castañon Ricardo Gomez from Bolivia, who sent part of the sample to the Analytical Forensic Institute  in San Francisco.  "The Institute noted that it was human blood, confirming the previous studies. The DNA code is uniquely human. The samples were also sent to Professor John Walker of the University of Sydney in Australia. Independently of any other studies it was found that the muscle cells and white blood cells originate from a human and are perfectly intact. The studies also showed that the tissue was inflamed, which means that the person to whom it belongs, had suffered a trauma. In 2003, Walker told Castañon that the samples comply with an infected male, according to the signs also still alive according to the state of the heart."








Further comparisons of the two samples, 1300 years apart in age, and half a world away in distance, showed the following:

"The comparison showed that the studied samples come from the same person in both cases. The blood type is AB + for each, which occurs in about five percent of all people worldwide. The DNA is the same in the both cases. In addition, there are features that the man came from the Middle East. Further comparisons showed the same agreement with the grave cloth of Turin and the Sudarium of Oviedo."

HELLO!!

That's bombshell stuff, people.  I don't need miracles to believe in the true presence of Christ in the Eucharist, but if I DID?  Bombshell.  Stuff.  Big time. 

And sitting there at church yesterday, in the quiet presence, praying and meditating in front of the host staring back at me from the altar,  time flew by much quicker than I'd expected it would.   By the end of that mere 60 minutes, I knew.  Not just in my head.  But in my heart.  How it happens, I have no idea.  It's a miracle each and every time it does.  Ordinary bread.  No longer ordinary.  REAL.

So often, I feel more like the Magi than the Shepherds at the Nativity.  Instead of rushing to the feet of Jesus, dropping everything and just GOING, I think, I ponder, I calculate, I think again.  I get there.  Slowly, deliberately, maybe getting sidetracked along the way.  If I simply took what I was taught, if I had the faith of the simple, the children, I would get there much sooner.  If I was a shepherd, I'd be there right away.  But I am the magi.  And thankfully, the Lord accepts me, too. 


I am not worthy.  SO not worthy of this gift. 
"But only say the word, and my soul shall be healed. "

A Conversation with My Spouse

 

"Help me to journey beyond the familiar and into the unknown. Give me the faith to leave old ways and break fresh ground with You."
— St. Brendan

Rob and I were sitting together on the back porch, soaking up the spring sun, watching the kids play some kind of baseball/football/karate/sword-fighting game.  It felt good to be outside, in warmth, and see green grass, budding trees, and daffodils.  Winter is behind us. 

"You know," my husband said.  "I was really crabby and irritable this morning."  Uh, yeah.  I noticed.  But I didn't need to agree out loud.

"And I was in such a bad mood, I didn't want to go to church today.  But then I thought  'who am I hurting by doing that?  Only myself.'"  That is totally true, and I said so. 

"But every stinking time I go to St. Anne's, I am totally overwhelmed.  I end up in tears, and am so moved by the whole thing, feeling God so present.  It's embarrassing that I cry every time."

"That's the Holy Spirit, Rob.  He's calling to you."

"Really?  How do I know it's not just my mind playing tricks on me?"

"Are you seeking an emotional experience?  Are you anticipating it, and expecting it to happen?"  I asked.

"Heck no.  Just the opposite.  I keep waiting for it all to get old hat, but it never does!  And I look around and wonder - is everyone feeling this here?  Is everyone being swept away by the sheer magnitude of it?  Because I feel like I'm seeing a little bit of heaven every week.  The church bells ring when the Eucharist is consecrated, and I get chills.  That's the second.  The second it happens.  The bells are telling everyone."

"I feel it, Rob.  It's thick with it.  And it surprises me every time, too."

"And then I get this feeling like I want to share it with EVERYONE.  Like shout it from the roof tops.  HEY EVERYONE!!  Do you have any idea what you're missing???  But I'm so afraid that it's going to be taken the wrong way.  Like if I tell people, they're going to feel like I'm judging them, and telling them they're wrong.  It's not that.  I just want everyone to know what they're missing!  The fullness of it all."

"So, that's the Holy Spirit, Rob."

"Are you sure?  Because I keep wondering.  Is it the music?  Is it the homily?  Is it the bells and whistles that get me?   My brain keeps asking these questions, because this is just not like me. " 

I know this.  My rational, logical, largely un-emotional husband weeps during mass.  Every week.  And it scares him to death, to not be in control of himself.   

"How do I know this is the Holy Spirit, and not my brain playing tricks on me?  I mean, every church out there says they can 'feel the spirit'.  How do I know this is really it?"

"Rob," I reply.  "You know."

And he does.     

He's not responding to grandiose music, and fancy speeches.  He's not being manipulated into feeling a certain way.  My husband is being swept away by beauty.  By reverence.   By humility.  And by Truth.  And that is GOD.  Present and available to us here, in our out-of-the-way corner of earth. 




 

Meditation of the Day, Lewis-style

"There is no good trying to be more spiritual than God. God never meant man to be a purely spiritual creature. That is why He uses material things like bread and wine to put the new life into us. We may think this rather crude and unspiritual. God does not: He invented eating. He likes matter. He invented it."
C.S. Lewis

In His Own Words: Rob's Conversion Story

Reflections on my Religious Conversion for Colby, Quinn and Reagan 

It’s Holy Week 2015 and come this Saturday during Easter Vigil I will be converting my faith from a life-long 45 year Missouri Synod Lutheran Protestant to a Roman Catholic. Your mother says I should write my “testimony” down before it’s lost forever and I tend to agree, having fallen square into middle age this year. By the time you read this, in all honesty, I’ll probably be long gone. This story will be embedded in one of dozens of family “blog books” your mother has written, which probably won’t be looked at by you guys until one day you get a little sentimental about your early family life. My hope is that this story may be of use to each of you someday as you each grow and struggle with your spiritual faith.

 

So my story begins in the Rocky Mountains of Montana. I had flown my home-built experimental airplane into Meadow Creek Airstrip in the Bob Marshall Wilderness in July of 2014. This awe-inspiring place has always had special meaning to me. I continually yearn for the rugged solitude and mountain cathedrals here. I had flown-in a book your mother had given me to read on the life of Saint Padre Pio, a Capuchin monk from Italy. She thought his story would resonate with me, so I began to read it each morning over coffee. 

As it turns out, instead of spending the whole day fly-fishing, I yearned to return and keep reading. I learned about a selfless human being and was struck by his absolute incredulous love for his God. He performed miracles and healings, but one small thing stuck with me. People from all over the world came to him for confession, and asked for forgiveness of sins, even some nonbelievers. I remember, through his ability to read human hearts, he denied absolution of sins to some. This affected me; more on this later.  Over the course of several days I began to feel like Moses at the Burning Bush. I found myself talking and weeping out loud to both God and Pio, as they were right there with me. 

 

Six months later, we went to a mass at St. Ignatius (our family had been alternating mass and Lutheran worship since Reagan had been born). What happened during this Mass was pivotal. A prominent catholic fellow in our pew decided not go up for Eucharist this particular day, so I asked your mother why? She said he probably had forgotten to fast, or committed a severe sin of some sort and did not feel “right with God” to commune. I was confused, because as a Lutheran, during the liturgy each week we confessed our individual sins within our hearts and the Pastor then absolved aloud everyone of ALL sin and we then communed. 

So I decided to investigate what she meant, and discovered that the Church teaches there are two types of sin for a Christian: mortal and venial. At first I was offended that the Church went so far as to itemize and classify all of types of sin. I was further offended to read that mortal sin severs one’s relationship with God and that, unless confessed to a priest, one would be damned to hell. Seriously? However, once I understood that the basis of mortal sin was the Ten Commandments, I knew the Church did not make this stuff up. I then went to the Missouri Synod doctrine website to see what their position was on absolution of sin. Like expected, sin was not qualified, and blanket absolution was given to all parishioners during the liturgy. The option did exist, however, for confession to a Pastor, although I had never heard of that being done (I was a church elder for six years). 

I then went to scripture.   Jesus said in John 20:23: "Then he breathed on them and said, 'Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive people’s sins, they are forgiven; if you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven.'” This verse single-handedly proved to me that private confession of sins to a Pastor is essential. Sin cannot be forgiven, unless it is first confessed to someone. I then began to wonder how many of my past sins had truly been forgiven. I also began to question the authority of my Lutheran Pastor to even grant me absolution should I approach him for private confession, as I came upon another pivotal verse where Jesus speaks. Matthew 16:18: “And so I tell you Peter: you are a rock and on this rock foundation I will build my Church, and not even death will ever be able to overcome it. I will give you the keys of the Kingdom of Heaven, and what you permit on earth will be permitted in heaven.” 

Next thing I know, I tell your mother that I think I would like to talk to a Catholic priest to see if he would hear my confession of sin in return for absolution. Lent was approaching and I felt a need for a “clean slate” going forward to Easter. I had recalled Jesus and Pio forgiving the sins of anyone who was heartily sorry for them; why not me? So your mother says "you should hear this new priest Father Ben Haase in Chassell; on several occasions he has spoken directly to people and their hearts during the homily". We did and she was spot-on. His entire homily was about the Sacrament of Reconciliation and how people are missing out on this wonderful gift of grace from God. He specifically mentioned that confession in the heart does not work. God still sees sin in your soul like a dog trying to bury a bone on the living room carpet. I then absolutely knew I wanted this sacramental gift, so later I went and met with him.

 Upon my asking for absolution this Lenten season, you know what he said? "No way! Come join our family and enjoy all seven sacramental gifts!" Ugh. So he gave me some Catholic propaganda (including some Scott Hahn material; a Presbyterian minister convert) and I went to work the following day. Surprisingly, I thoughtfully looked at the position of the Church on all of the issues and realized, Jeez, I’m there. What’s holding me back? So I then knew all that remained for me was to address the two pillars of Luther’s Protestantism: Sola Fide (faith alone) and Sola Scriptura (scripture alone).

 Sola Scriptura: The bible, as we know it, was not pulled together until about 400 AD. Dozens of apostles and disciples (the early Church-“Catholic”-fathers), painstakingly vetted all of the Letters, Gospels, etc. into what all Christians now accept as the modern day bible. I had never thought about where the bible had actually come from; in my mind it was like Jesus magically handed the Apostles the New Testament and said run with it to all corners of the world! I was amazed at all of the different councils held to maintain this “deposit of faith” so that it adheres as close as possible to Jesus’ original teachings. This resonated well within my logical mind. I wanted to be part of a Church whose teachings were distilled down to the essence of what Jesus originally wished to convey. It became clear to me which church had the authority now. Today we have seen the direct result of people trying to interpret the bible on their own: thousands of Protestant faiths. It is essential to have modern day authority to interpret the bible for us. The Church has done this for several thousand years and none of the teachings have changed! Good stuff. One pillar gone. 

Sola Fide: This one I sort of flushed out early on. Luther claimed that faith in Jesus alone will pave the way to eternal life. I always believed, prayed and felt I had a personal relationship with Jesus. No doubt. I’ve always been told that that was all that was required for salvation. But this past year, I felt like something was missing. I was proclaiming a faith but realized I was not living the faith. Like the old saying goes, even demons believe in Jesus. It was profound to see in black and white what God’s expectations are (mortal sin=10 commandments) and a road map of expectations to live by. I needed that and suspect most people do. Sola Fide is like performing a job with no mentoring and expectations for success. Second pillar gone. 

Over the years, I’ve always been fond of a back-door approach to witnessing validation of which Christian religion has true divine authority. How? Watch what the Evil One does and who he goes after. What is one of the greatest events for a satanist? The black Mass. And what do they do? Attempt to steal the host from Catholic tabernacles. Why? Because they know it is the actual body of Christ and want to use it to mock Jesus. Also, who do people call when they want an exorcism? A Catholic priest. Who does our culture, including some Fundamentalist Protestants, vilify with abject hatred more than anyone else? The Church, in spite of being the biggest advocate for life and moral decency. It’s mind blowing how hated the Church is, even over militant Islam. As I write this, ISIS is systematically going through the Middle East like jackals and raping, beheading, burning alive, throwing Christians, women, and homosexuals off buildings unless they convert to Islam. Yet in our culture, Christians are the bigoted barbarians. I digress. There’s a reason why the Church is so hated: it is indeed the bride of Christ with His authority. The devil has also been successful in dividing up the Church beginning with Martin Luther and continues to do so.
 

Yes, the Church has had its share of scandal through the ages and Martin Luther was right that the Church needed reform to mitigate abuses (e.g. indulgences sought by the church to fund projects). However, reforming the Church should not have meant changing original doctrine. Most fundamentalists solely hang their hat on condemning the Church for these abuses, and I was one of them at one time. But what I’ve come to realize, is that once I admitted and recognized the anti-catholic bias woven into me, and sought only the truth, I recognized that the Catholic popes, deacons and priests are all fallible, sinful guys like us. And you know what? The teachings have remained unchanged for several thousand years and the Church continues to thrive and endure (1.2 billion Catholics and counting) like Jesus promised to Peter when he instructed him to build his church and handed over the keys to heaven. 

 

So this Saturday, I will receive the Holy Spirit directly from a priest laying his hands on me, who has had hands laid on him all the way back to Peter (Apostolic Succession) and will share in the feast of Eucharist united for the first time with my beloved family and newly adopted Church family. I have become part of the Fellowship of the Unashamed.

 And if I have passed to the other side, know that I’m surrounded by Jesus, Pio and all the Saints gone before me. We are all here praying for you each and every day and await your triumphant and joyous arrival! I love you Colby, Quinn and Reagan!

 

 

 

 THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE UNASHAMED .
 I AM A PART of the Fellowship of the Unashamed.
 The die has been cast. The decision has been made. I have stepped over the line.
 I won't look back, let up, slow down, back away or be still.
My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, and my future is in God's hands.
 I am finished and done with low living, sight walking, small planning, the bare minimum, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, mundane talking, frivolous living, selfish giving, and dwarfed goals.
 I no longer need preeminence, prosperity, position, promotions, applause, or popularity.
 I don't have to be right, first, the best, recognized, praised, regarded, or rewarded.
 I now live by faith. I lean on Christ's presence. I love with patience, live by prayer, and labor with the power of God's grace.
 My face is set. My gait is fast, my goal is heaven.
 My road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions are few, my Guide is reliable, and my mission is clear.
 I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, deluded, or delayed.
 I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of adversity, negotiate at the table of the enemy, ponder at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity.
 I won’t give up, shut up, let up or slow up until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up, paid up, and spoken up for the cause of Christ.
 I am a disciple of Jesus. I must go till He comes, give until I drop, speak out until all know, and work until He stops me.
 And when He returns for His own, He will have no difficulty recognizing me.
My banner is clear: I am a part of the Fellowship of the Unashamed.

Adapted from the original (author unknown) by Patrick Madrid