Another thought for the day... Again, just what I need to hear.

"Pray, hope and don't worry. Anxiety doesn't help at all. Our Merciful Lord will listen to your prayer."

— Saint Padre Pio

Verse of the day....

.... which is just what I needed to hear.

"Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. And even the hairs of your head are all counted. So do not be afraid; you are of more value than many sparrows."

Matthew 10:29-31

Pre-Test Jitters

Tomorrow, we will leave for Wisconsin, and I will begin preparing for my whole body PET/CT scans, which are scheduled for Friday.  This feels like SOMETHING to me - even though it's just a test.  I've been reading the scientific literature and the support boards, non-stop.  It feels like this test will probably give us answers that I've been asking for two years.  WHERE ARE YOU, CANCER??
As I do, I have played out every scenario in my mind.  There are three potential results from this test, and I have mentally prepared myself to hear any of them, so that I'm not taken off-guard.  It's how I've managed all of this thus far - prepare for the worst, and you can only be pleasantly surprised by good news (or at least not shocked by the bad news).  Mostly, it works.  But it's still a nerve-wracking mental exercise.

Scenario 1:  PET scan and/or CT scan picks up metastasis to lymph nodes in my neck.  To me, this is the best possible outcome, although it doesn't seem so on first glance.  Metastasis to the cervical lymph nodes are common in my type of cancer, and don't generally change prognosis.  They are usually easily excised with a neck dissection (that term sounds TERRIBLE).  If cancer is in the lymph nodes, they can be removed and cancer is GONE.  This is usually followed in most centers by another round of radioactive iodine.  But this is a path to CURE.  And has a definitive protocol, an action plan.  So in my mind, if this stuff insists on being here this long after my first treatment... I'd like it to show itself in an easily accessible way, so it can be conquered.

Scenario 2:  PET scan and CT scan shows nothing.    This is the result I fear is most likely to happen, and I dread it because it continues the unknown.  If these scans are negative, it doesn't mean that cancer is not there. The tumor marker says otherwise, so we know it's there.  A negative PET/CT means that we still can't FIND it, and that does not give us a target to attack.  This result means that there's more interminable "watching and waiting".  This result means status quo and inaction, and uncertainty.  I've been in that place for two years now.  I don't want to be here any more.  So, if this is the result, I've decided to seek a second opinion at Mayo Clinic, and get fresh eyes, and a fresh perspective on everything, by some of the best clinicians in the nation.  At least I will have a plan in the event of scenario 2.  Second opinion.

Scenario 3:  PET scan and/or CT scan shows metastasis anywhere outside a lymph node in the neck, or anywhere outside the neck.  This is the worst news result, the one that we absolutely don't want.  This is the scenario where prognosis takes a steep plunge in the downward direction, and treatment gets a whole lot harder than a little surgery and staying in my room isolated for a week.  Depending on location, such a tumor may or may not be a surgical candidate.  This is where external beam radiation for weeks on end and clinical trials come in to play.  This is where I would definitively transfer my care to Mayo Clinic, and put on my battle gear.  But I'm not going to dwell on scenario 3, because... I don't want to.  I'm staying positive.  And the other two scenarios are far more likely anyway.  We'll deal with scenario 3 if it comes, but I will not live there.

I am NOT dying (at least … not any more than any of us are marching towards our end), but I have been thinking about my death lately.  Maybe that's inevitable with all of this.  I have prayed for a happy death one day, with my family by my side.  And I am not afraid to die.   So I can honestly say "Lord, thy will be done".  I do not want to leave my children before my work with them is through, and I do not think that the Lord will ask that of me.   But if He DOES... thy will be done.   None of us are guaranteed anything in this life. This place is temporary for 100% of us.  So there is peace with that.

Prayers are appreciated, and actively sought.

Ponderings

Part of my Lenten disciplines has been cutting back on my excessive Facebook time and replacing it with podcasts. I’ve discovered some fabulous ones, and the kids and I have been enjoying listening on the drive to and from school, and while I’m at home doing the daily drudge. One of the most recent podcasts we listened to was the conversion story of an Iranian atheist to Catholicism. And something he said has stuck with me ever since. When asked about how he came to understand the role of Mary in the church, he said the following. “Catholicism is about Jesus. Not belief in Jesus, but Jesus himself. It’s not a set of ideas, it’s  a person. And a person has a mother”. 

This, for me, bore down to the crux of a lot of issues. When we dig deep, when we get past theories and beliefs and ideas... we find Christ. The divine man. The bridge between heaven and earth. God in the flesh. Not in the “I don’t need religion because I’ve got a relationship” kind of way. But in a gritty, real, concrete, “this is a man who lived in history” kind of way. He is REAL.  And all truth stems from that fact. And a man has a mother. And a family. Enter the communion of saints, that cast of characters that my husband initially struggled so hard to understand at first as well.

Lent is such a spiritual reset button. How I need it every year.

"I worry some of you still have not really met Jesus—one to one—you and Jesus alone. We may spend time in the chapel—but have you seen with the eyes of your soul how He looks at you with love? Do you really know the living Jesus—not from books but from being with Him in your heart? Have you heard the loving words He speaks to you? Ask for the grace; He is longing to give it. Until you can hear Jesus in the silence of your own heart, you will not be able to hear Him saying 'I Thirst' in the hearts of the poor. Never give up this daily intimate contact with Jesus as the real living person—not just the idea."

— Saint Mother Teresa

Verse of the Day: Again with the importance of ACTION, and living out our faith

"For it is not the hearers of the law who are righteous in God’s sight, but the doers of the law who will be justified."

Romans 2:13 

Paul says "JUSTIFIED".  Not sanctified, although that can certainly happen, too.  And not that the doer of the law justifies HIMSELF, but that, because they are seen as righteous, GOD justifies them.  We are the receiver of the gift, certainly, but have an active role.   Just realized how these two terms, justified and sanctified,  fit into my "smelter" analogy perfectly.  In the all-consuming fire of God's love, the justification is the transformation of the mere creation/human into the divine nature of Christ.. or in my analogy, from a dead tree branch into  the finest gold.  The sanctification is the process by which imperfections and impurities are burnt away, and we are left perfect and holy, and ready to stand in the presence of a perfect and holy God.  Sanctification, then, cannot CAUSE justification.  No matter how "good" you are, without Christ's life within you, you can peel away the bark on your dead tree branch all you want, and you won't find gold there.   But those justified are those who DO the law.  God chooses those who are willing and open to Him.  

A lot to think about on a snowy Monday morning.