I am a pretty weak person. Physically - yeah, pretty pathetic right about now. The addition of a respiratory infection to the list of ailments has me in bed, and worse... in tears... most of the day. For the last 11 days, really - I've been in bed, first with c-diff, then with kidney infection, and now with a respiratory infection. All at the same time. All while my body is supposed to be healing and preparing for radiation treatment in a few short weeks. But far worse, and far more disconcerting to me, is that I am weak spiritually. As gracefully as I want to deal with what is going on with my body, I am NOT handling it gracefully. I am miserable and cranky. Thank God, literally, for my mother and my husband. Because they have a way of opening my eyes, and adjusting my attitude, in ways that it really, REALLY needs.
When a gal is miserable, she just wants her Mom. And so, I called my mom, and promptly burst in to tears. "I've been trying to stay positive. I've been trying to be patient. But you know what? I HURT. I DON'T FEEL GOOD. As soon as one thing starts improving, the next one comes, and I've HAD IT. I can't take it any more. I'm sick of myself and my own whining. I know it's just a cold, but I'm tired of being in bed. I'm tired of SIX WEEKS of one thing after another. I'm tired of being a horrible mom, a horrible wife, a horrible coworker. On top of everything else, now there's headache and chills, and not being able to breathe out of my nose, and a sore throat... I just can't take it." BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. Wah wah wah. I am NOT strong. I am miserable, and tired, and sick of it ALL. Sick of being sick. Sick of myself and my whiny attitude. ALL OF IT.
And my mom didn't console me. She didn't commiserate, and tell me "poor baby". She said what I needed to hear. "REPEAT AFTER ME. JESUS, I GIVE THIS ALL TO YOU." "But He doesn't WANT it!" I cried. No one would. It sucks. "Yes, He does. He wants it all." she said to me.
And then later, my husband came in and joined me in the darkness. "You're so blessed," he said. I get it, I told him. Yes. I know it could be worse. Others have it so much worse than I, and I shouldn't feel this down on my own situation. I shouldn't be such a baby about all of this. "No. Not that. You get to suffer. And that gives you such an opportunity that most people don't have. Use that!"
OH.
"Offer it up. Join in Jesus' suffering, and turn it in to something good. Don't wallow in it. There are so many people hurting in this world and the next. There are souls crying out in Purgatory. Your grandparents. Carly. Dorothy. Your aunt Marian. Aunt Joan. USE THIS. Take this, and offer it for their sakes, by name, that they might enter into the presence of God." Then he stopped himself, and said "just a few years ago, that would have sounded absolutely crazy to me. But now I know. I see them - especially your Aunt Marian, for some reason, even though I only met her once. We are a part of this great, huge family - living and dead. We're connected to them. They are crying out for our prayers, and the vast majority of this world forgets them, ignores their souls, as they are being prepared to enter into glory. But you've been given the opportunity. OFFER THIS UP."
That stopped me cold. Instead of wallowing in self pity and misery, or even trying to "be brave and positive and learn my lessons", I can turn this into good. Into an act of love. St. Paul understood this, when he said "In my flesh I complete what is lacking in Christ's afflictions for the sake of his body, that is, the Church....Now I rejoice in my sufferings for your sake". Once again, as I learn over and over and over (to the point where you'd think I'd get it by now)... this is NOT ALL ABOUT ME. And I keep trying to make it about me, and what I'm going through.
I'm still weak, and feeling crappy, and tired of it all. But I am OFFERING IT UP. I am no longer going to see this as a test to withstand, but an opportunity. A blessing. Salvifici doloris. It is an indelible mark of humanity to suffer - even in the minor way that I am now. Lord, through my discomfort, which is only a pale shadow of Your immense suffering on the cross... join it to Your sacrifice. Unite it to Yours, I beg. May it be used for the benefit of those suffering everywhere, most especially my loved ones. Please allow it to lessen their suffering, that I may share in just the tiniest of ways to the suffering You did for me. Imperfect and inconsequential as I am, please take and use me as you will.
And forgive me my weakness, Lord. Thy will be done.
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