"My child, conduct your affairs with humility,
and you will be loved more than a giver of gifts.
Humble yourself the more, the greater you are,
and you will find favor with God.
What is too sublime for you, seek not,
into things beyond your strength search not.
The mind of a sage appreciates proverbs,
and an attentive ear is the joy of the wise.
Water quenches a flaming fire,
and alms atone for sins." Sirach 3:17
I am a product of my generation. I was raised in a bubble of constant feedback and praise. My education was very worried about my self-esteem. Accolades received in response to academic success in school made me think that I was in some way special, smart, capable of doing something that other people couldn't. That I was destined for some form of greatness or success. National Merit Scholar! Full-ride academic scholarship! Summa Cum Laude! Think of all that potential!! All the great things this young graduate is capable of, with only the right opportunities!! You can do and be ANYTHING!! I bought the picture. I swallowed it whole. And I have subsequently had this overwhelming feeling as a middle-aged adult that I never "lived up to my potential". That's a whole lot of labels, and a whole lot of expectations that I haven't lived up to. And it bothers me. WHY I am ashamed of my ordinary life?
Have you ever Googled your own name? To see what the world would see if they did the same? Stupid, I know. No one is really curious enough about me to do something like that besides myself. But still. When I Google myself, I discover that my work profile comes up. And it labels me as "Monica Aho, PT". And it lists my education as a Bachelors degree and a number of years experience. BLAH BLAH BLAH. I am embarrassed by that. A Bachelors? That's it? Shouldn't someone with as much "potential" as I was told I had have many more credentials behind their name? Shouldn't there be more letters there somewhere? Ph.D. , DPT, PCS. Shouldn't I have something that distinguishes me? Research, a patent? Community accolades? Shouldn't I be a big-shot business owner, or lecturer? Leading the charge, forging the way somewhere? Shouldn't I have a fancy house, a fancy title, a fancy car, a fancy something by now?
I have pushed myself out of my comfort zone on several occasions, trying in vain to live up to some sort of invisible expectation that I thought others had of me. I designed an indoor park for children (won't the community look up to me!), and then failed at its construction. I am apparently no architect or engineer. Others stepped in and finished the job I couldn't. I have tried to initiate research with the local university (I will seem so smart!),but I lack the funds and credentials to complete it. I spent years, thousands of dollars, and considerable time/heart investment on trying to obtain a patent. Yesterday... I found out that I failed at that, too. And I am devastated. The patent as I wrote it is indefensible. It wouldn't be worth the paper I wrote it on, because I am not a lawyer, and did not know how to word things so that it is WORTH something to a manufacturer. At the same time, my job is jeopardy, because the hospital I work for is being sold to a for-profit company, and since I work with disabled children (read MEDICAID reimbursement) - the chances of being able to KEEP my job are pretty slim.
As I was lamenting on the phone last night to my mother, crying tears of frustration, my four year old daughter tugged at my leg and begged for dinner. My 9 year old son plainly said "Mom, you haven't made us a single meal today. I fed myself breakfast, lunch, AND dinner." My husband called from work to see if there would be dinner on the table when he arrived - there wouldn't. It was 8 pm - I had forgotten to feed my family. I had spent the day madly cleaning the house, barking at the children constantly, and then another 2 hours locked in my bedroom, on the phone with my lawyer, getting the bad news. Apparently, even "mother" and "wife" are not on the list of things I am good at.
So, I have discovered that I am not an architect, an engineer, a researcher, a lawyer. I am not a doctor. I am not a physical therapist who can get a company rich, like the sports-medicine or geriatric specialists are. I am not Super-wife, or Super-Mom. In the eyes of this world, I am utterly ordinary and unimpressive.
So, who am I? WHAT am I? Do I need a label? Do I need accolades, or esteem? Why? WHY? Why can't I be content to be who I am? Why am I embarrassed about who I am? So I have an old house that is in sorry disrepair. A dirty car. Weeds in my flower bed. A job that will never make me (or anyone I work for) rich. My children are often messy, and far from well-behaved. I am overweight, middle-aged. I have wrinkles and gray hair. I am not THE BEST at anything. I struggle with my vocations as wife, mother, health care professional, friend. I am utterly.... mediocre.
But there's this, in the midst of my pity party. I look around me, and I see the blessings God has granted me. They are abundant. SO abundant. I have family. There was a time I thought I'd never find someone to marry, never be able to have kids. And look - God blessed me with a husband and a family. I love the simple, country life I've been given. I love that I get to work with children and their families. I am blessed by all these little, inconsequential things that are not impressive by society's standards. I don't have many friends, but the few I have are long-lasting and REAL. My family has security. I have a job that I love and that truly makes a difference in the lives of others. I have LOVE in my life - frazzled around the edges as it may be. And I realize that the only label that really matters, the only label I should really care about, is "Child of God". I SHOULD be nothing, because that's what I really am. Nothing. But Christ through me... that's something else entirely. Even the moon - a dead, lifeless rock - can radiate the light of the sun, and offer light to a dark world. There is my worth. There is my acceptance. There is the TRUTH of myself that matters. I know this in my heart of hearts. I am LOVED.
Now it's time to just stop it and get over myself already.
ADDENDUM:
OK. I get it, Lord. Insignificant is okay.
Today at a soccer game, a woman I only vaguely recognized came up to me and said the following:
"You're Monica Aho, right? The therapist? I know you don't remember me, but 8 years ago, you worked with my daughter. She was 2 years old and not walking yet. You taught her how to walk. And now look at her - she's playing soccer with all the other kids. I never forgot what you did for us, and I've often wondered about you over the years. You were a blessing to our family, and I want you to know that."
That woman probably didn't have the slightest inkling that this was EXACTLY what I needed to hear at this point in my life. Little things DO matter in people's lives.
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