I haven't been afraid up to this point. Really, I haven't. Even when they tossed around the words vocal cord paralysis, tracheostomy, feeding tube, cancer. None of those really scared me. Because I educated myself, and knew the research and the odds, and the prognosis. If anything, I've been feeling guilty that the words are so scary to everybody ELSE. I know, because I'm living it, that it's okay. I had a few panicky days in the beginning about aspiration, but once the swallowing and temperature improved, and now the voice is improving... I know the whole vocal cord paralysis thing is temporary. And it's improving far quicker than anyone anticipated, and so... that is good. And the cancer thing. My dad went through it, my friend went through it. And they're both fine. No big deal. Good prognosis - a little surgery, a little radiation and then... you're good to go. Even stage 3 cancer, as mine is classified. The endocrinologist called it "intermediate risk", but still... a really good prognostic outcome. Not much of a battle. Easily conquered. So I haven't been AFRAID through any of this.
Yesterday, I got news that frightened me... a little. I'm trying to not jump to conclusions, and I'm trying to just trust. And maybe that's what this is all about anyway. Trust. Maybe that's what God is trying to teach me, and up until now, I've trusted too much in what the research and science and my doctors have told me, and haven't been afraid ENOUGH. There has to be a point when I can't trust science and research, so I can trust God. Maybe that's what I'm supposed to learn.
The endocrinologist's office called yesterday, and told me that the results of my blood test came back. The blood test looked at Thyroglobulin levels - a protein made by normal thyroid tissue, and thyroid cancer. Well, my "normal thyroid tissue" was completely removed two weeks ago. I no longer have any "normal thyroid tissue". So the doctor was anticipating that my thyroglobulin levels would be zero, or very close to zero. Instead, they came back as high as if I had never even had my thyroid removed. SOMETHING is making all that thyroglobulin, and it's not my thyroid. Which means... there's a chance (maybe even a pretty good chance) that the cancer has metastasized - spread somewhere else outside of the thyroid. And that scares me. Because that means the battle isn't quite so straightforward as I'd hoped.
The doctor's plan at this point is to give me the highest possible dose of radiation, and see what all we can kill with it, then do a whole-body scan and see what lights up. But that's not until March, because it takes six weeks to prepare for all of that. So, for the next six weeks, I need to process the likelihood that we DIDN'T get all the cancer with surgery alone, and that the battle might take a little more fortitude than I was anticipating it to take.
So this is where my lesson takes place. What I've been doing up to this point has been "flippancy", not "peace". And there's a big difference between the two.
Lord, help me to trust in You. Grant me peace and acceptance. Grant me strength. In your Son's holy name. Amen.
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