A Conversation with My Spouse

 

"Help me to journey beyond the familiar and into the unknown. Give me the faith to leave old ways and break fresh ground with You."
— St. Brendan

Rob and I were sitting together on the back porch, soaking up the spring sun, watching the kids play some kind of baseball/football/karate/sword-fighting game.  It felt good to be outside, in warmth, and see green grass, budding trees, and daffodils.  Winter is behind us. 

"You know," my husband said.  "I was really crabby and irritable this morning."  Uh, yeah.  I noticed.  But I didn't need to agree out loud.

"And I was in such a bad mood, I didn't want to go to church today.  But then I thought  'who am I hurting by doing that?  Only myself.'"  That is totally true, and I said so. 

"But every stinking time I go to St. Anne's, I am totally overwhelmed.  I end up in tears, and am so moved by the whole thing, feeling God so present.  It's embarrassing that I cry every time."

"That's the Holy Spirit, Rob.  He's calling to you."

"Really?  How do I know it's not just my mind playing tricks on me?"

"Are you seeking an emotional experience?  Are you anticipating it, and expecting it to happen?"  I asked.

"Heck no.  Just the opposite.  I keep waiting for it all to get old hat, but it never does!  And I look around and wonder - is everyone feeling this here?  Is everyone being swept away by the sheer magnitude of it?  Because I feel like I'm seeing a little bit of heaven every week.  The church bells ring when the Eucharist is consecrated, and I get chills.  That's the second.  The second it happens.  The bells are telling everyone."

"I feel it, Rob.  It's thick with it.  And it surprises me every time, too."

"And then I get this feeling like I want to share it with EVERYONE.  Like shout it from the roof tops.  HEY EVERYONE!!  Do you have any idea what you're missing???  But I'm so afraid that it's going to be taken the wrong way.  Like if I tell people, they're going to feel like I'm judging them, and telling them they're wrong.  It's not that.  I just want everyone to know what they're missing!  The fullness of it all."

"So, that's the Holy Spirit, Rob."

"Are you sure?  Because I keep wondering.  Is it the music?  Is it the homily?  Is it the bells and whistles that get me?   My brain keeps asking these questions, because this is just not like me. " 

I know this.  My rational, logical, largely un-emotional husband weeps during mass.  Every week.  And it scares him to death, to not be in control of himself.   

"How do I know this is the Holy Spirit, and not my brain playing tricks on me?  I mean, every church out there says they can 'feel the spirit'.  How do I know this is really it?"

"Rob," I reply.  "You know."

And he does.     

He's not responding to grandiose music, and fancy speeches.  He's not being manipulated into feeling a certain way.  My husband is being swept away by beauty.  By reverence.   By humility.  And by Truth.  And that is GOD.  Present and available to us here, in our out-of-the-way corner of earth.